IAm 'Diamond' Joe Biden, Presented by The Onion. Ask Me Anything

Question from real Joe Biden: https://twitter.com/VP/status/292361945170989056

Edit: adding the text for those ones with no access to Twitter:

@VP: Q for @reddit AMA with my @TheOnion pal: A Trans-Am? Ever look under the hood of a Corvette? #imavetteguy –VP pic.twitter.com/xPGMBBYl

Dear imavetteguy,

Those glorified Camaros aint good for nothing but smokin' the tires.

Diamond Joe

What's reddit gold? Is that how you pay for r/gonewild? Cause I'm enjoying the shit out of the free trial period.

Hey hombres, I'm rock hard and ready to do this thing. Seriously, I don't think my pants can hold this monster much longer.

Thanks for all the upskirts everyone. On a serious note, Ol' Joe is thinking about his legacy and needs to start working on his V.P. Library. I'm planning to have an extensive collection of amateur girlfriend pics.

If you got 'em, send 'em to:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500

Airplanes have the "Mile High Club". What is having sex on a DC-bound Amtrak train called?

My daily commute ;)

Hey Diamond, thanks for doing this. What's the best way to hide an erection in a kimono?

Just stick it in there. I guarantee that she won't mind at all.

I can't find any nude celebrity galleries anywhere around here.

Anyone got some nudie pics from reddit they can post here? I need material for my spank bank.

/r/gonewild

Enjoy.

...Looks like this AMA is now over. (From his posting history, he did take a 10 minute "break")

Naw man, I'm still here. Just got distracted by gonewild.

If you had to give one piece of life advice to a 5-year-old, what would it be?

Get some teenage tail while it's still legal for you.

Would you rather shag one Adele-sized Mila Kunis, or 100 Mila Kunis-sized Adeles?

I'd be grinning ear to ear if either of them were sitting on my lincoln log. Both are sexy as hell.

you vs. Putin, Thunderdome rules- who wins and how?

Putin. Jesus fucking christ, that guy is scary. I don't want to go within twenty miles of that dome.

Where did you get the nickname "Diamond"?

That one came from the ladies. See Ol' Joe's dick can cut through just about anything.

What's the most amazing way you've ever opened a beer bottle?

On a bouncer's skull. Coulda gotten in a lot of trouble for that one but fortunately I gave a fake ID earlier.

Kill, Fuck, or Marry:

Rachel McAdams, Emma Stone, or Leslie Knope

Diamond Joe doesn't kill women, he just leaves em sore and wantin' more. And I'm already married.

So fuck all three. Yeah, that's a cop out but it's the answer you're getting.

If you could unilaterally pass any law and you wouldn't have to face any public repercussions, what would it be?

I've been buggin' the FCC for years to allow full penetration on network television.

Boxers or briefs?

None of the above.

In a recent Supreme Court ruling of United States vs. Bormes, The Court characterized the Little Tucker Act as merely "gap-filling" and, therefore, superseded when a statute authorizing a claim for damages set forth its own specific enforcement procedures, as did the FCRA. My question is this, could you bang Sonia Sotomayor unconscious?

This is a great question and i'd love to answer it, but I've been busy as hell getting ready for all this inauguration shit. My buddy Blaze hooked me up with some killer bud so I'm planning on getting super baked.

It's kind of a hassle that I have to wake up so early for the ceremony, but I never turn down the opportunity to be that close to justice Sotomayor.

What is the best place in the White House to "Five Knuckle Shuffle?"

Plenty of great spots to release the tension, but I prefer to rub one out up on the White House roof.

Joe, just thought I'd let you know that my sister is pregnant.

I'm pretty sure I pulled out just in time. I always do.

I want to get laid on an Amtrak train, how would you suggest I go about doing that?

Just walk up to the señorita of your choice, introduce yourself with confidence, and compliment her tits. Works every time.

Also, what's Rampart? One of my interns said I should mention that and it'd get a good response on Reddit.

What was your longest sober streak?

The amount of time between chugs.

Yo, Diamond Joe, where does Barry keep his stash? is it in the nuclear codes briefcase? please tell me it's in the nuclear codes briefcase.

Barracuda's a close bud of mine, but a little too clean to have his own stash. In my autobiography I talk about the first time I got him high.

What do you think is the biggest thing you've accomplished in your career?

I once stole an entire pallet of Bud Light Lime from the back of an idling truck.

Loved your cameo on Parks & Rec. You've already said you won't marry or kill, but if you had to pick one to fuck: Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Aubrey Plaza, or Retta?

Well, I guess I'd pick all four of them again. If you catch my drift.

How did you maintain your cool and manage not to put Paul Ryan in a rear naked choke hold during the debate?

Centre College is a sweet joint, kickass ragers and plenty of peaches to nibble on. I don't want to get banned from there. I saved it for the parking lot.

Have you banged Michelle in the Lincoln bedroom?

That woman has snapped bigger men than me in half. If can keep this on the down low, she's the one foxy lady that terrifies Diamond Joe

Hey Diamond Joe,

I never knew my dad, and my mom, who's now deceased, would only tell me that he was a prominent Delaware politician with presidential aspirations and a passion for blasting Whitesnake 8 tracks in his tricked out muscle car. She also told me he likes to shoot dice in the alleys behind Wilmington convenience stores, and that he gave her a fake phone number and lied about having a condom on.

Anyway, I was born in 1987. Since you were active in Delaware politics around then, I thought you might know somebody by that description. Anything you might remember helps! Anyway, god bless.

Kid, I know exactly who your daddy is. The late Delaware Senator William V. Roth, Jr.

That sounds exactly like something that shitheel would do.

Yo Joe I just scored a shitload of beers from a dumpster but my Bonneville broke down. Can I trade you some loot for a lift?

I gotta do this bullshit Reddit thing later today, but I'll swing by in right after.

When you're workin' on your car, listenin' to the game on the radio, what are you drinking, Miller or Bud?

Depends what's on sale at Giant Eagle.

Palin or Bachmann?

Now, I'd sure like to get under the hood of both members of the Grand Old Poon party.

hey, wanna give a lady a drive in that sweet-lookin' ride?

If you're going my way better hang on my stick shift for your dear life.

Diamond Joe, how is Janna Ryan in the sack?

4/10, would bang again but only if there's slim pickings otherwise.

What's this we're hearing about you being a Corvette guy?

I might be wiggin' out a little right now, but I think there's some imposter out there spreading bad shit about me. I'll tell ya right now, whatever they say nothing can come between me and my Zam.

Do you remember what it was like to poop without a phone?

I wish I could afford a cell phone, those data charges are real asshole rippers though. I usually just read an issue of Oui on the can.

Did you pick up any Spanish in Mexico?

I picked up some little Spanish critters in a Tijuana cathouse, but I shaved down there and they split.

If you could sleep with any First Lady, who would it be?

Martha Washington. A guy like Big G could have tapped any woman he wanted in the 13 colonies and picked her. I'm inclined to follow his lead.

Thanks for taking the time Diamond Joe. What is your favorite type of lube? Sorry if this is a repeat question. Thanks again.

The bathroom soap in the National Portrait Galley works wonders, and the price can't be beat.

Who is your favorite Pro-Wrestler?

ME.

Most embarrassing blackout story?

Man, I wish I could remember that shit. I bet it was fucking awesome though.

What's your best Amtrak story?

Oh man, this one time the train stopped suddenly and I spilled a coors all over my lap. The dining car guy gave me a replacement brew-ha and a free egg salad sandwich to apologize. That was sweet.

Joe, I met you in Scranton last August. I just want to know, exactly how much do you love Scranton?

Candi, is that you? I know I still owe you 100 bucks for the 2nd half hour, I'll get it to you as soon as my book royalties get me out of the red.

Who's your favorite Vice President in history?

Cheney. I owe him big time for the fully built sex dungeon that greeted me when I moved into One Observatory Circle. It woulda taken forever to install a swing like that, and he left plenty of handcuffs and toys and stuff too.

Hey Diamond Joe, I gotta hear the craziest thing you ever woke up next to and what you drank to get there. Then I'm going to do it.

Mei Xiang the panda, at the National Zoo. And you probably guessed, Cuervo and lots of it.

You got me pregnant Joe... I just wanted you to know I'm keeping the baby.

I know more than one Yaranna. What's your last name?

I know where you stand on beer. My good sir, what is your whiskey of choice?

Getting into Balcones stuff. It's American made and smooth as a Brazilian taint.

What thoughts were going through your mind when gun control was first brought up to your attention after the sandy hook elementary school shooting? How did it affect you decisions

Shits gotta change in this country, and fuck whatever the NRA says. I'm a proud gun owner. I call em' lefty and righty, and there's a fist at the end of each one. Only a pussy needs an actual gun to settle his business. I studied snake style kung fu with Shaolin monks at a Taoist temple in the Wudang mountains, so my hands are lethal assault weapons. And worst case, I keep a tire iron beneath the front seat of my Trans Am. That said, guns are fucking awesome for sport and I love taking my AR-15 to shoot beer cans in the Rose Garden. But I'd give it up to keep our kids safe.

How much does your chance of being laid increase when Van Halen's 1984 is played in the b.g.?

I don't need to take chances, cuz it's damn near always a sure thing. But nothing wrong with some sweet tuneage playing while a lady is romancing the bone

Why'd you cut off the ponytail brah?

Sometimes, the only way you can get the baby batter out of your locks is by chopping 'em off.

Diamond Joe:

Who is more fun to party with, the House or the Senate?

That's like asking what feels better on your dick, sandpaper or sandpaper covered in shit.

Hey Uncle Joe

If a hypothetical situation I'd been working on went south, does running for the border actually work?

Depends how far north you are and how fast are your wheels.

Two questions:

1) In your honest opinion, what, if any, impact will recent crises in the United States have on the socio-economic climate, both at domestic and international levels?

2) Wanna buy some E?

1)This great country is seriously strapped for cash. But it's like when you're selling weed, you can't make in moolah unless you spend some cash. I've been telling those dildos in Congress that the U.S. of Fucking A needs to borrow some dough and invest in some dank bugs.

Also, I've thinking about installing some mirrors on the debt ceiling then the nation can feat their eyes while Joe takes the economy to pound town.

The truth is I need to lay low until all this crisis shit blows over. Sound's like Barry's department anyway.

What the hell question am I answering again?

2) Hell yeah. You take credit cards?

I wanna hear your best sex story. Graphic details.

Gotta buy the book for that one pal, Joe doesn't stay buzzed and baked on karma alone.

Are you still taking questions?

Yes. Too bad you asked me this though, this was probably your one shot to get wisdom from Papa Biden and you blew it.

Now that liz warren's bin sworn in you gonna spend some extra time presidin over the senate?

Wish I could tap that, but Warren's a cold fish. She just wants to talk about boring stuff like reforming credit cards and banks and shit.

Hey big Joe. Is the White House beer better than normal beer?

As long as it's cold and being poured down my throat, a brewha is a brewha.

Besides yourself, which Cabinet member parties the hardest?

Steven Chu is loaded from his Nobel prize money. He has a killer stereo system in his house, great for blasting jams.

Favorite American rock band from 1970-1989?

Right now, I gotta go with Whitesnake. I'd love to get Tawny Kitaen writhing around on my hood.

Yo Diamond J,

How did that poor bastard Patraeus get busted? Where did he go wrong? What tips do you have for aspiring adulterers around the world?

You go showing off your nutsack too often and sooner or later people are going to recognize you.

Ever get a load of Poontraeus' wife, old helmet head. That guy went all right with Paula "Sweet Knockers" Broadwell.

Jill rarely finds out about who I get down and dirty with unless she walks in on me tongue deep in a tight little honey.

diamond, how did you score a first-class babe like Dr. Jill?

Two in the pink, one in the stink, and the rest is history.

What made the Summer of '87 such an important time in your life?

The doobage was dank, the babeage was bodacious, and the tuneage featured bad-ass shredding that was a bountiful 20-course feast for the ears.

The biker chick from the campaign photo: be honest, didjya?

Now Joe don't kiss and tell and even if he did, you wouldn't hear what he was saying cuz he'd be so deep in that muff

Would you rather fight 50 duck sized horses, or 1 horse sized duck?

are those real things???? if I answer this question do I have to fight those things, because those both freak me the fuck out. I want no part of this shit.

Mr Vice President you're a Catholic. What's your reaction to the Manti Te'o/Notre Dame controversy?

I'd definitely be down for bonin' that dude's fake girlfriend.

I've got to cook a meal to impress a date; Biden, I need your help.

Just take her to Popeye's, that shit's delicious. Their biscuits can get you into any lady's biscuit.

wat do you hope will be your trademark piece of legislation during your presidency?

Whoah, man. Where the fuck am I? Is it 2016 already? Shit last time I looked it was still 2009