My moniker is Nick Offerman. I play Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation. AMA

Is it true you got the always charming, handsome and world renowned artist Mike Mitchell to illustrate parts of your new book "Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man's Fundamentals for Delicious Living", available October 1st at places that sell books?

Oh, hello. I'm not certain how familiar you are with http://www.sirmikeofmitchell.com, but yes, I had the good fortune of winning his collaboration in my impending book that you mention. I think he is immensely talented, and I hope that works like his illustration of my breakdance moves in the book bring him untold treasures in his new Texas dwelling. A good man.

Hi Nick!

What advice would you give a young man who wants to become a polite and semi-decent person?

Also, this question has been bludgeoned to death, but do you think cunnilingus is overrated? Or would you consider it the cornerstone of a mutually pleasurable sexual experience?

Thanks for doing another AMA, Nick, you are truly the National Treasure that Nicolas Cage so desperately seeks.

EDIT: Thank you for the gold, friend! Blessings of the eight divines upon you!

Engage in good manners. Try to spend your time giving more than receiving. Cunnilingus could literally not be overrated, as it makes for a satisfied lady, and satisfied ladies, as you are no doubt aware, what with your pithy knowledge of the canon of Mr. Cage, they maketh the world to go 'round.

You have the most adorable giggle ever. Do you actually laugh like that in real life?

I do not giggle, nor ever engage in any activity that could be described as "adorable". I sometimes utter a manly guffaw when I see something like football of ultimate fighting. Is that what you meant?

If you had to kiss any man on the lips, who would it be?

I suppose Meatloaf's lips woud be flavorful with bacon and beef. Although I'm tempted to say some homophobic asswipe like Swaggart or Limbaugh, because I would bring them around to the good guys' side with one smooch. I'm that good.

What's your favorite cut of steak?

On my plate.

Hey Nick. In what way would you say you are most like, and least like Ron Swanson?

Most like - Tammy 2 turns me into a rutting sex ox.

Least Like - Ron's in the dark ages, whilst I'm up to date with all the kids "kool" lingo, like "neato fresh" and "funky bitchin'".

Hello Mr. Offerman! My boyfriend and I are HUGE fans of your work. We are equally inspired by your relationship with your wife, Megan. What would you say is the secret to your marital bliss? And how much Lagavulin should I keep readily stocked in the house?

Have a great sense of humor, be respectful and always communicate fairly, and engage in a shitload of 69. Appropriate amount of Lagavulin to have on hand? 1-2 shelves.

Hi nick,

I am a huge fan if yours and of park and rec. I was wondering what is your favourite part about the actresses and actors you work with on the show.

Thanks

Their butt.

Nick, as a proud Scottish girl this weeks episode of Parks and Rec brought a tear to my eye. Was it your first time in Scotland? Did you enjoy it half as much as Ron? And how did you get all those sheep to follow you like that...

Ah, Scotland! My first time indeed, saw me traipse clear up to Islay, where I had a Swansonian number of wee drams. Also some middle-sized drams. Many of the long, wide shots of Ron on the cliffs would reveal tears of joy and gratitude streaming down my cheeks, were you to zoom in tightly enough, as the beauty and charm of that fair isle had me utterly besotted. The folks at Lagavulin were top-drawer, and I was as giggly as a pig in shit. A very giggly pig. Also, sheep tend to appreciate my scent. It's flattering at first, but then their nuzzling can begin to bruise.

Hi, Mr. Offerman! Thanks for doing this! My dad is also a woodworker and over the past few years he's made me a litany of things from a bed frame to a bookcase to an entertainment center and I would love to make him something in return.

My question is, if someone were to make you something to show you their appreciation, what would be your perfect gift?

Thanks again! I'm a huge fan of all your work and can't wait to see what you have in store next!

Well, if your Dad's anything like me, I would suggest you take a ripe cantaloupe, bore a hole, say 1 3/8", through the rind and the heavier flesh. Once you reach the pulpy innards, LEAVE IT INTACT. Throw it in the microwave for 2:30 on high, then present it to him. He'll know what to do. A bonus tip - chamfer the edge of the hole at 45 degrees or so - that rind can really chafe!

Hello, Mr. Offerman. What do you believe has been your greatest achievment in life thus far and why do you feel this way?

Making my wife scream with a desperate, ragged orgasm that tore her vocal chords and we had to go to the hospital. Why my greatest achievement? listen to her sing now, friend. https://www.facebook.com/NancyAndBeth

Three Questions, coming at ya!

1) Who in insanely funny cast of Parks and Rec is the funniest, who interrupts filming the most because everyone is laughing at something they say?

2) What is your beer of choice?

3) What was your favorite scene to film in P&R? The Leslie Knope campaign at the ice rink will forever be my favorite five minutes of television.

1) Pratt, easy. Lots of mad talent in the ensemble, and Amy is in a league of her own, like the league of Tina and Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon, but Pratt has the wildcard flavor to make us all shit little green apples. 2) Solemn Oath (Naperville, IL), I love beer too much to choose...Guinness, Lagunitas, Sierra Torpedo, Negra Modelo, Old Rasputin, Anchor Steam, guinness, Sam Smith, Newcastle, Old Speckled Hen, Pliny Old and Young, Founders Breakfast Stout, Delirium Tremens, I could go on.... 3) That scene was great fun, especially because we used real dog urine. Some recent savory flavor springs to mind:http://tv.yahoo.com/blogs/fall-tv/parks-and-rec--must-see--the-secret-unaired-scottish-adventures-of-ron-swanson-195828981.html 3)

Longtime fan here, dating back to the George Lopez days, playing Randy. I am a lover of beards as well as scotch/whiskey…what is, in your opinion, the best scotch/whiskey to eat with a steak?

What an incredibly fortunate time and place we live in, to have the extreme luxury in our lives of pondering which scotch is best paired with a steak, a query that presupposes the possession of both steak and whisky. I suppose my answer would have to be "the best scotch/whisky to eat with a steak is America."

Tell me something you have never told anyone.

I have 7 testicles.

what is your perfect sunday?

June 22, 1986

If you could describe yourself as one type of wood. What would it be? And why?

Hard Penis. Because I'm often red in the face?

Mr. Offerman,

what's your best advice to a growing up adolescent of how to become a man?

Well, I'd begin by gently suggesting you keep polishing that grammar. In addition, be true to your word, work hard to earn the times in which you may play hard, and thereby enjoy the delicious pageant that is life. Wendell Berry says to treat those downstream of you as you would be treated by your neighbors upstream.

I asked my good friend to paint me a portrait of Ron Swanson as a gypsy to hang in my dorm room. This is her rough draft: http://imgur.com/CQSTuoH

Your thoughts, Mr. Offerman?

Your friend needs to do a little research on the meaning of "paint". Beyond that, I'd very much like to see that guy leaping abou tthe stage in a rousing musical dance/fight, crossing scimitars with several sweaty Moors.

Do you have any advice on how I, a female, can grow a beard as great and as luscious as yours?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biology_and_sexual_orientation‎

Hello Nick. What do you think of redheads?

Redheads are the greatest. Rupert Grint? Forget about it!!

I pre-ordered your book and look forward to reading it. I also want to thank you for the advice on what to get my wife as a card- I got a piece of nature for her.

I'm a brand new father (today marks 4 weeks) and I just have absolutely no idea what to do. I mean, I keep this kid alive, but I don't know how to raise him. What advice would you give a first time father raising a son?

I have not raised a child, but I believe the fact that you're asking questions and paying attention are very good signs. Love your bairn, try to gently steer him/her towards handtools and away from CNC driven woodworking, which is basically robot craftsmanship. Make sure he/she knows to raise the grain before finish, especially in walnut. When the time is right, introduce charcoal/wood as the clear alternative to gas. Simply put: Give a shit.

Hi, Nick. Glad to see you doing an AMA. Long time fan.

Just a couple of questions, if that's cool.

When you were shooting 21 Jump Street what was it like working with Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill? Did you get lost in Channing's eyes?

What is the manliest sentence you can write?

Thanks and good luck.

1) Working with Jonah and Channing was incredibly fun. I did not get lost in Channing's eyes, but I was briefly waylaid in his caboose.

2) I give you my word.

Hi Nick,

• You were in the music video for 'Cocaine' by FIDLAR. How did that come about?

• How was the UK? Did you have any free time or was it a case of "get in, get the filming done and then get out?"

Apologies for asking any meat, whisky or wood-related questions. I'll leave that to everyone else.

2 members of FIDLAR, Max and Elvis, are the sons of an old friend of ours, Greg Kuehn, who was Megan's band leader for many years. He's a kickass musician himself, so his sons' badass powers come as little surprise. They asked me to do a video, and I whipped up that notion of urinating all over life. Seemed punk. If you haven't seen: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5c632781ca/fidlar-cocaine-ft-nick-offerman

Mr. Offerman. First of all, thank you for the laughs.

If you had to choose a notable 19th century figure (Civil War general/president/etc.) to model your own facial hair after, who would it be?

Union Army General Ambrose Burnside. http://twistedsifter.com/2011/11/picture-of-the-day-historys-greatest-mustache/

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Remove knob. Drill slightly larger hole. Glue in a piece of dowel pre-cut to size. Drill new hole. Enjoy an intoxicant. You can also jam a bunch of toothpicks in the hole with glue, then trim them flush after the glue dries, but that method is much less elegant.

Hey Nick! What's your favorite adverb?

Verily.

You obviously get a ton of recognition for being Ron Swanson, but is there any project you've done that you wish received more attention?

How does one prepare for a role as a LEGO?

Thank you for asking. Fate, that fickle minx, will frequently reward some projects with attention and popularity, whilst leaving others with a direct-to-video kind of feeling. Here are some lesser-known films of which I'm proud: Treasure Island The Go-Getter Groove The Men Who Stare At Goats

Salutations Nick!

Will Offerman Woodshop ever manufacture that Galdalf pipe you made for yourself? It looks majestic!

Thanks!

There is a Gandalf pipe specifically engineered for Longbottom Leaf in the development works as we speak.

Hello Mr. Offerman, first I want to say I am a huge fan you are my favorite actor and after seeing the video of you break dancing on Jimmy Fallon it makes me respect you even more. Today is my birthday and I am very happy to see that your AMA is on the same day. So my question for you is, when you were filming the episode “The Fight” where you guys had to drink snake juice, were you guys really drunk at the end of the episode or was that just really good acting? I could see it either way but I’m rooting for the actually drunk option. You do a great hat dance. Well now I’m off to dinner with my girlfriend and will be getting myself the turf and turf.

Fallon Not Kimmel

Generally speaking, you don't want to actually get drunk or high when depicting scenes in which a character is so. For one thing, I feel like I'm not nearly as good at acting when I have dulled my faculties with a pleasant buzz, so I it would seem stupid to try and perform well whilst buzzed. Secondly, we often have to shoot scenes several times to get everything just right, and that seems like it would be a drag to do if I was actually shit-faced. I guess we must have pulled it off,..., oh, but Adam Scott was totally drunk. Is that what you meant? He is usually pounding Absolut vodka all day, which is weird and also a little sad. He hardly ever slurs his speech, though.

Nick! Thanks for doing this....

Question: What's your VERY BEST life advice? Could be about anything. You pick.

Someone just asked me this today. My best advice is: Work the clit, sure but don't forget about the rest of the vagina. There are more nerve endings to help her get there beyond the man in the boat. But seriously, I always tell people to figure out what it is they love to do, and then find a way to get paid to do it. I've been a lot happier in my life getting paid a little bit to do what I love (like acting in theater) than when getting paid a lot to do something I hate.

Welcome back, Nick!

I just want to know: What does Chris Pratt smell like?

Manchester Scrum Nutmeg

Greetings Nick. Did you enjoy your travels in Scotland as much as Ron Swanson did? I'm a big fan of Parks and Recreation and seeing my hometown and country on the show was a wonderful surprise.

Visiting Lagavulin has been a dream of mine for many years before Ron Swanson even existed, so I suppose that we were both pretty well chuffed to find ourselves in its peaty environs. What a lucky son of a bitch.

What would you suggest is the best way to get into woodworking, thanks for the AMA!

Read Fine Woodworking magazine and begin with some hand tools, chisel, saw, block plane. Learn to sharpen your steel and then see how it shapes the wood with such ease. Check out a set of Flexcut carving tools and just start building your fundamentals.

As a facial hair challenged male, what's your secret?

No secret. I was lucky enough to have been born with some bracken-like whiskers. If you do not share that fortune, I suggest you cultivate an interesting hair coif or perhaps some pleasing accessories, like a driving cap.

Rainn Wilson asked you via twitter "Do you like cock?" I too would like to know the answer https://twitter.com/rainnwilson/status/383730312619896833

The only thing I really don't like is feta cheese.

Mr. Offerman, I sure hope I can call you that. I just want to say thanks for being a man to look up to unlike my cracker ass old man. After seeing you at Sasquatch and tearing up to your beautiful cover of 10000 candles in the wind I feel like we have boned the same bitch and that bitch goes by the name of pure joy.

Would you by chance have any words of wisdom to “cudgel” onto my high school students tomorrow in class? -heart runjoy

The lazy carpenter works the hardest.

Best way to start a conversation with a girl?

speak.