I'm a veteran who overcame treatment-resistant PTSD after participating in a clinical study of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy. My name is Tony Macie— Ask me anything!

Hi Tony. Could you tell us about the process of MDMA assisted psychotherapy? What does a typical session consist of and how does it differ from standard psychotherapy (other than the inclusion of MDMA)?

Yes good question. There is prior sessions about 90 mins to a couple hours with the doctor and therapist. These sessions are for them to explain to me what to expect. Also they go over some tools to use on relaxation. Another thing is they are getting to know me and my background. The day of the session I arrive in the morning. It is an all day thing and I have to stay the night. When I arrive I take the MDMA and lay down on the couch. For the first hour I have eye shades on and headphones listening to music. After the MDMA kicks in I took off my eyeshades and headphones to start talking. For me when I did it, when the MDMA kicked in I felt a wave of relaxation and peace come over me. For the first hour I did not really talk, I just laid there and enjoyed the quietness of my normally hyper vigilant mind. After about an hour of just relaxing and being in the present is when memories started to come up. For me if I tried to push them away I would feel anxious, but if I dealt with it and processed the memory, I would have a wave of pleasure come over my body. I believe that the MDMA was showing me how to deal with my trauma and also that it is more beneficial for me to face trauma head on than to try and ignore it or suppress it. I had a lot of powerful realization that day.
Standard psychotherapy does not have the ability that MDMA has in my mind to truly face trauma. MDMA give the user the ability to completely relax and trust their inner knowledge to guide them to do what is right. Normal therapy and medication only numbs me and I did not find any benefit from this. MDMA is not something you take every day. It is something you take a few times and have profound realizations that heal you. For me (not for everyone) standard therapy did not work because it was ongoing and the medications suppressed issues instead of bringing them up and fixing them.

Normal therapy and medication only numbs the individual.

No it doesn't and I hope people do not listen to that. I have PTSD and therapy definitely helped me be able to stop panic attacks and made a huge impact on my life. It's reckless to post that therapy doesn't work. I hope people in need do not listen to that statement. It's really, seriously, very negligent for you to state that in front of an audience this large. You do not know who you could impact for the worse.

EDIT: I quoted exactly, op substantially changed his comment. please stop replying that I misquoted him or took him out of context.

I am glad it worked for you. I was just putting my opinion. I have people who say therapy works great for them and the medication work for them. I however did not find any benefit from them. I do not want people to shy away from normal therapy at all that is not my message. I am just putting out my experiences. Everyone is different.

I do not want people to shy away from normal therapy at all that is not my message.

Glad you clarified that for your audience. We have so many different approaches because, as you said, everyone is different. There is hope down many different avenues. And for anyone out there with PTSD who isn't getting help, reach for those roads.

Exactly...All I would like to see is this to be an option for people who are not receiving the help they need from other medications and therapy. I should also put out if people are reading this thinking they should go do it on their own that this is an AWFUL idea. I only support people taking this in a safe setting legally. There is to many risks of trying to replicate this therapy on your own and also most likely you will not get pure MDMA

Why do you think on, a personal level, you were resistant to earlier PTSD treatments? What were those treatments like? Thank you for your time.

I wasn't ready to face myself and admit I had given up.

What kind of music were you listening to?

I believe it was shamanic drum beats. It was not techno. It was music that was suppose to relax you along with bringing up emotion

Do you know what the dosage of MDMA was?

75mg

Hi, I am a fellow veteran myself. I might have some form of PTSD but I never wanted to go to a clinic or take medication or recieve disability. It just seems unfair for others that may have suffered more.

When I left the military I tried drugs recreationally to help me fight depression and other issues that stemmed from my military service. Of all the drugs that helped me the most was mdma. It was from a friend and we all did it at a house party. It was the happiest I felt in a long time and honestly made me feel the way I did before I joined the military. The feeling lasted for atleast a week and then I returned to normal.

I do believe mdma is extremely useful for depression, anxiety etc. I would like to try it legally, and in small doses. How do other veterans apply for this program?

I don't know anything about the program, but I can say if you put the uniform on, you're as deserving of benefits as anyone else who put on the uniform. You don't have to deploy to see trauma. You don't need to lose a limb to suffer. Each of us deal with things differently, but if you feel you need help at any point, you go get it man. You earned it.

Never forget that. Those benefits you have, you earned them. Use them.

EDIT: I was just hoping to give some advice, wasn't expecting the upvote storm. Thanks guys :)

Well put!

Hey and thank you for your service. I can 100% relate to what you said about how it seems unfair to others that suffered more. I think veterans a lot of time realize and see the suffering in others more than most. I had a hard time transitioning back to the US from war. Just because I was not there or at war didn't mean it was over. So for me it was really hard to let my guard down when there was actually still a war going on. My biggest thing with PTSD had to do with exactly this in a lot of ways. I had a lot of survivors guilt.
For ways to get in, I believe that they are booked up. Hopefully in the near future there will be bigger and more trials to allow all of our veterans who are suffering safe access to MDMA therapy. You can go to maps.org and find out about trials. Any other questions feel free to message me

My best friend spent 4 years between Iraq and Afghanistan. He came back a very different person. He is always silent unless he is drinking. He will never ask or seek help and would deny having any forms of PTSD. The only time he's ever spoken about the terrible things he's seen at war was a couple times while drinking. One night he completely broke down at the bar, he left with a mutual friend and later crashed into a light pole. The mutual friend claims it was on purpose. I feel like he is suffering on the inside. I'm lost on what I can do for him. Do you have any tips on how to approach this?

That is a very hard question. I understand somewhat where your friend is at and unfortunately a lot of people do not want to admit to having PTSD. I had a hard time accepting it at first because I thought it was weak to admit that something was wrong. I believe in actuality it is not weak it is just a combination of a lot of things. To transition from a life at war to come back to the US is not easy. Then when someone like you friend has done multiple tours I say it becomes even harder. I wish there was a simple thing to say or do, but I am not sure. I myself before the MDMA did abuse alcohol. I like him would use it to talk also. Now I believe it was my way of trying to cope with the PTSD and I see now it was not healthy at all. If he tried to crash his vehicle on purpose, that is serious and that is something that should be brought to the attention of a professional. There is a lot of programs thru the Veterans Affairs you can contact and non-profits that are trained with helping vets. I'm sorry I don't have any real words to help him, but I would just say be there and show your friend you care. Listen to them and try and get him to some help. It is not a weakness to seek out help if you are going down a bad road.

I had a hard time accepting it at first because I thought it was weak to admit that something was wrong.

This is one of the major problems that the VA office is facing is getting soldiers to admit to screening for signs of PTSD and seek help.

What encouraged you to finally change your mind about PTSD being a weakness and go seek help?

I didn't truly accept it until the MDMA session. I was in complete denial because I didn't want to admit I was totally out of control. Along with this I was sick of failing at life and wanted to change. It was a hard thing to face but I am glad I did.

How often did you take MDMA? And what did you do when you were on it?

The MDMA I took was thru a legal government trial in South Carolina. I took one dose of it at a doctors office. The setting was more casual then a typical doctors office. I was on a couch with eye shades on and headphones for the first hour. The session lasted all day and for the first hour I just laid on the couch and let the MDMA kick in. After an hour when it took effect, I took off the eye shades and headphones. That's when I started to talk to the Doctor and his Wife who is a nurse(it is a male and female couple which I think worked amazing for therapeutic value). For the remainder of the session I would go back and forth from talking to them to just sitting there with my eyes close and processing different memories. The MDMA gave me the feeling of everything is absolutely alright and a very clear ability to think and process trauma without fear.

Tony, thank you for your service and your time doing this Ama. It's enlightening and wonderful to hear about your experience overcoming ptsd. I hope in the future others will be able to have a recovery such as yours since so many lives are damaged by war.

Quick question: What would be a piece of advice that you would pass onto others regarding your life experience so far?

Great question. I would say never give up and no matter how bad any situation or event can be there is always something positive you can take away. I use the strong emotion from trauma now as motivation instead of letting it bring me down. I want to honor the fallen by doing and making change, not by secluding and numbing myself out.

Hello, and thank you for your sacrifices. I don't mean to open closed doors, but what used to keep/wake you up before the military, during your service , during PTSD as opposed to now?

Hey, thank you for the good question. I use to have a really hard time falling asleep and letting my guard down on returning from the war. I was in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and from being in combat I was use to staying alert at all times. It became a habit for me to not allow myself to fall asleep because I couldn't do that in a combat zone. When I came home this was how my mind operated still along with the memories of my friends who had passed away over seas. A lot of nights I would irrationally role play how I could go back in time and try and save them or how I could redo a certain situation. Now I realize that this was just me not wanting to accept their death and was my way of holding on to that. I have come to peace with these things and now realize that it is in the past and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and to just be in the now.

"Just be in the now." Have you studied any Zen Buddhism or other East-Asian philosophies during your MDMA Psychotherapy?

I have since the MDMA session. I enjoyed ancient philosophy in college and just came back from a 3 month trip to Southeast Asia experiencing that culture!

You've probably already read it but Tao Te Ching seriously helped me with a lot of things.

And weed.

Yep and I agree!

Did you have any previous experience with MDMA?

No previous experience with MDMA

Was it more or less what you expected effect-wise?

I know you weren't having fun with it, but I imagine it's gotta be interesting especially in a clinical setting...

It was a lot more powerful, I thought it was going to be similar to being drunk. I was wrong. It was very relaxing and my body felt very good. I had a back injury from my time in the military and after taking the MDMA was the first time I felt no pain. The lack of pain and extreme relaxation I felt truly allowed me to face any thought and deal with it. I remember when the MDMA kicked in saying out loud that this feeling of relaxation and peace had been what I had been seeking since I returned from war.

Please tell me it gets better. Been out 2 years now. Two deployments, 3 IEDS and an rpg attack on my truck. Life just sucks now and I'm constantly depressed. Don't know what is causing it but I feel like I'm on a constant downward spiral. Constant anxiety attacks and all that.

Tl;dr life sucks

Edit: Thanks for the replies. The Reddit community really is the best around. See, I know I need to talk to someone. But I have fears about it. Like them finding something wrong. My motto is ignorance is bliss and as long as I ignore it it wont be a problem. I know it's stupid but it's how I deal with it. Also, I'm afraid to open up too much to them because I'm afraid I'd say something I'm going to regret.

Hang in there brother, it does get better thru time. Reach out to your friends and stay connected with the people you served with. A lot of my PTSD had to do with the disconnect of when I got out and how the people I served with were still at war. It is something that I just had to come to terms with and accept. If I could do something over again I would stay in touch with them more. I think having people in your life who you went thru combat with is therapy in itself. You can open up to them and talk about things. They get all the military lingo and where there also. With that it is also good if you are having bad anxiety to try and seek out some sort of help. In time things get better. Thank you for your service

Did any of your family or friends have any issue with you taking a known recreational drug? If so, how did you get them on board?

Great question. I had many people very skeptical about me participating in this trial. All the skepticism was due to the false narrative about the brain damage and association with the dangers of recreational use. The way I got them on board was thru explaining and educating them about the effects. Also that this was going to be in a controlled setting and not anything similar to recreational use. Along with that after I took it, I was living proof of how well it worked. It sounds cliche and hard to believe to some people, but I really went from abusing pain meds and being a zombie to stopping that after one sessions. This in it self speaks more than trying to educate my family and friends.

How about going on the Joe Rogan Pod Cast?

I'd love to. His podcast did an awesome job at promoting the conference I spoke at last weekend along with giving recognition for the group VET. Which I met the founder of a couple weeks ago down in DC and think that it is a great idea and support him 100%.

Hey Tony, thanks for your service and doing this ama, sorry about the trolls and their techno music questions. Here's a couple for ya:

• Would you say this MDMA treatment is helpful for all PTSD sufferers? Or are there soldiers who respond well to "traditional" treatment?

-Have you ever taken MDMA before this?

-Would you say you've experienced any side effects since then that you would attribute to MDMA?

Thanks again!

Hey, thank you and I figured I was going to get some techno questions haha. The question of is MDMA treatment helpful for all PTSD sufferers is a difficult one for me to answer, since everyone is different. I believe from my experience it can help anyone with severe trauma because of how it works. It gives you the ability to relax completely and still be clear minded. I believe it is important to allow further research done to confirm that it works well for most people with treatment resistant PTSD. In the trial to be accepted you have to be treatment resistant, which means the "traditional" treatments do not work.

I had no prior experience with MDMA before the trial.

For side effects I did not experience anything significant. I did not have a MDMA comedown like people talk about, if anything for 2 or 3 weeks I felt very good. After I took the MDMA it made me realize that I was dependent/addicted to my prescription pain killers. I stopped taking them that day because during the MDMA session I had the realization that I was killing myself by abusing them. Now it is a couple years later and I still do not take any pain killers and have stopped taking all my prescription meds. So only real side effect for me was coming out of my depression and owning my PTSD.

What was the dose? Was there any "fun" to it or was it all business? Thank you for your service, and I'm so glad you were able to find some relief!

My dose was 75mg. There was a period for the first hour where it was "fun". I just relaxed and felt at peace for the first time from coming home from war. This relaxed at peace feeling lasted for another 2-3 hours, but also then I started to have to process trauma.

Hi Tony - thanks for writing about your experience. I'm curious if the doctor and nurse tried to guide you at all during the treatment as far as what to think about or talk about - do you have a sense that you thought a lot about war, or trauma? Can you say a bit more about the experience of being in the room on the medication? Thanks!

Hey, I am glad you asked this question. The doctor and nurse did not try and guide me into talking about anything unless I brought it up. They were more there to help me process memories and for support. The thing that they both reiterated was that I was my best guide and to trust myself. I believe this to be very effective because I think that we all know what is best for ourselves.
As for my experience in the room on the medication, it was very rewarding. I remember when the MDMA kicked in it was like a paradigm shift. I went from the strong anxiety and negative feelings to a wave of pleasure and feeling at peace instantly.

Did MDMA affect your anxiety levels at all?

Great question. When the MDMA was kicking in I felt a spike in my anxiety. I was told before the session that this is normal and I was expecting it somewhat. After I just let go and went with the MDMA I did not feel any anxiety for the rest of the session. After the session I did not have any anxiety and slept very good that night. From there on my anxiety was not an issue compared to where it was at before.

Thanks for the AMA! Do you feel that MDMA would only be useful as a treatment in a clinical setting? I'm not trying to advocate self medication, just picking your brain as to how effective the MDMA was on its own, without any other treatment or therapy.

Hey, great question. I believe that from my experiences and the data from the study that MDMA will be very beneficial in a clinical setting for treatment resistant PTSD. I do not think it is beneficial for people to try and find MDMA illegally and try and use it therapeutically. I believe there is a lot of risk in this and would not recommend it at all. I think that it is important to have trained doctors and therapist to interact with during the MDMA session to be most effective.

Not a question, but a comment. I am glad that you are doing this. One of my brother's squad members from Afghanistan committed suicide last week. As a society, we need to do more. We should be fighting for this. These suicides should not be happening.

Thank you and I am sorry to hear about your brother's squad member. I agree and really want this suicide issue with veterans to stop.

Hi Tony, Hypothetically speaking, would you ever consider using mdma or other psychoactive substances recreationally (assuming recreational use is made legal) after your experience or do you consider it as purely a rehabilitative tool?

I am very glad you asked this question because I think it is important for me to clarify my stance on this. I personally would not use this recreationally and only see it as a rehabilitative tool.

Did you try EMDR therapy? If so, to what extent did it work for you?

I never did EMDR therapy so I can't really answer anything about this.

Thank you for your service. Do you see MDMA as a temporary relief or an overwhelming change in practical fear? When were you able to discern that the drug was effective after use?

I see it as an overwhelming change in practical fear. It dissolves the ego and reveals the illogical patterns that my brain had created. For me I realized that for 15 months in combat I did need to be very aware and also make connecting with certain things to save myself and others. When I came back though these things were not helpful at all, they actually were ruining my life. I was able to discern this during the session immediately. It made me face myself and come to terms with exactly what I was doing to self destruct. Along with this I came to terms with how to solve these issues and act them out.

Hey sort of a broad question and may be difficult to answer specifically, but what exactly about the experience with MDMA allowed you to resolve the conflicts within yourself? Was there an 'a-ha' moment during it or more of a gradual coping process?

Basically what is the difference between traditional treatment and MDMA assisted (besides the drug obviously) that allowed you to get some closure?

That's a good question. I would say that it was the feeling of an "a-ha" moment, but over the period of the session I had many. Each issues would come up and it would be so clear and obvious on how to handle it to me. This happened repeatedly for the entire session, if that makes since?

The difference for me was my ability to feel comfortable and find true closure in issues. It was such a relief to truly let things go and learn from them. It was like my mind before was punishing me and keeping me in a constant state of hell. I was not allowing myself to move on and was my own worse enemy. Recognizing this and allowing myself to be vulnerable opened the doors for me to process these traumas and move on.

Hi Tony ! I'm glad you got better, and glad to see that MAPS is making progress in this domain !

You said in another comment :

That's when I started to talk to the Doctor and his Wife who is a nurse(it is a male and female couple which I think worked amazing for therapeutic value)

Did you feel any kind of bond with them ? Empathy/love ? How specifically did the fact that they're a couple help ?

Had they taken MDMA before ?

Also, did you get any information about the dosage you received ?

Thanks for doing this AMA, I'm really interested in MDMA-assisted psychotherapy, and I would love to see someone being "healed" this way (just sit for hours watching this kind of therapy.. but I know it's none of my business). Enjoy your life !

Wow these are great questions. I certainly felt love and a feeling of peace during the session. I was more open to talking about things and just accepted everything for what it was. I believe the fact that there was a male and a female was more important then them actually being a couple.
I had not taken MDMA before this session. During the session I got the middle dose which was 75mg. Thank you for the questions and enjoy your life also!

In one of my psychology courses, my prof told us about a program in England (I think) where soldiers are trained to discuss traumatic events as soon as they are in a safe zone. The idea is that if given the opportunity to discuss experiences that have been proven to increase the likelihood of developing PTSD in an established safe zone, the incidence of PTSD would decrease. Studies have shown that this program is effective. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it might have helped you personally? Do you think the US should implement such a program?

That is a good question. It is hard for me to say. I was very closed off when I came home and was more interested in drinking and partying then facing any issues. I think if it was something we all had to do on returning then I would have benefited from it. Especially if I saw my leadership and people I served with delving into their issues and dealing with them, I would have been more likely to do it. It's hard for me to say if the US should implement a program like that without going thru one myself and without being a professional in the field. Simple answer though is if it benefits soldiers then yes I think it should be implemented. Anything that benefits soldiers returning from combat to help them transition should be implemented and an option available.

Hey dude, even if you dont see this, i'm glad you overcame your PTSD.

Thank you

Did the study include sessions off of the MDMA as well? How many medicated sessions did you have? Did you start seeing improvements after the first session, if not how long did it take before you started seeing or feeling the results? How frequently did you take the MDMA and at what dosage? Did they build up to a dosage and then ween you off or was it a constant dose.

Thank you for doing this, I am sure your answers could help others who had similar experiences. As someone who knows some people with PTSD I am happy to hear that you were able to find help.

Great questions. I only took one session of the MDMA. I had the option to take another, but decided to just go into the session and do the talk therapy. I choose this route because after the first session on MDMA I had a huge opening and felt like it was important for me to take back control of my life and stop taking pain killers and other meds. It was therapy in itself for me to go into the sessions after the MDMA and talk about my experience. Not under the MDMA I was able to continue to talk and process things effectively.
So I only took the MDMA once and it was 75mg. There was no need to build up the dose or ween me off because it is just one session. If I would have wanted to take the MDMA again the next session would have been a month later. There was no "comedown" and no real side effects that I experienced.

Thank you for your service, and I'm so glad you had a positive outcome in your therapy! I have a few questions. What were your protocols for the treatment? Drug and counseling combo? What was your personal experience being on MDMA?

The protocols for treatment and drug/counseling combo are listed on the maps.org website in great detail. My personal experience of being on MDMA was very profound. It is hard to put in words sometimes. I believe that during the session I connected with a place deeper than words and was able to process emotions. To me it was memories coming up and if I tried in the beginning to push them away like I was use to doing, I would feel anxiety. After I would go into the memory and allow it to come up and process it, I would feel a wave of pleasure. For me this was my way of teaching myself not to store or suppress these things anymore and just to trust myself. If I was thinking about it or it was coming up, it must be because I am ready to face it and move on. One big realization I had was that I was holding on to my friends deaths as a power control for me. By this I mean I was keeping myself in suffering because I did not know how to honor them and did not want to accept the fact that they were gone. The session helped me come to peace with this along with other things. It wasn't pretty or fun realizations, but they were life changing for the better

Have you looked into the use of service dogs in the management of ptsd? What are your thoughts on them?

I actually trained my dog to become a therapy dog. She was at the treatment with me when I took the MDMA. I think that service dogs are a great idea for PTSD myself. Good question

Thank you for your service! I think its great that you've found something that has helped you cope with your day to day life having PTSD.
how did you find out about MDMA- assisted psychotherapy, and when did you start to notice a change in your mentality/behavior?

Thank you for the support! I found the study after learning about MDMA thru the internet as an alternative for PTSD. I was going to school at the time in South Carolina where the study is and just happened to get in. I am very grateful that things worked out like they did. I noticed a change immediately. Along with that I have noticed over the years a huge change with not being dependent on any meds or taking any. Also going back to the learning lessons of that trial to deal with stressors in my daily life. It was something that will benefit me for the rest of my life.