I am Maddox, AMA.

Is the bash.org quote really you?

Yes.

Are you still Dispwned?

My mom hates me on and off every week. She told me that she hoped that I'd get cancer and that my book would fail right before I went on book tour. Well, I shouldn't say "hoped," because she actually threw her hands in the air and prayed for it to happen.

[deleted]

There are 2 main reasons, one of them I touched on in another response below, but I'll elaborate here:

1. I self-edit because I respect my readers. I have written or started to write 13 articles last year, and only published 1. That's because I don't think everything I write is worth posting, and I wish more web authors followed suit. There's way too much bullshit out there; too many half-assed assertions, uninteresting observations, long, tedious fiction tomes and an endless supply of shitty photo blogs. Being able to point a camera at something and snapping a photo doesn't automatically make you an artist, and no nobody cares about your stupid link dump with a clever name. If it took you 5 minutes to make, it'll probably take me half as long times zero seconds to lose interest. If half these dick holes stopped flooding the Internet with so much shitty content, it wouldn't be so hard for genuinely talented up-and-commers to get noticed. Then again, if your goal is fame, you're in it for the wrong reason to begin with. Nobody cares about the quantity of articles, it's the quality that counts. If you post a thousand shitty articles and one good one, you think anyone will remember the shitty ones and say "hey, that one article is really good, but the reason I go back is for the shitty daily updates!" No, you cocks. Nobody remembers the shitty ones. All they care about are the good ones.

2. I'm busy. I'm working on a ton of projects that I don't like to talk about until they come to fruition, because I don't want to be that overly anxious dick who posts something every time I take a meeting with someone from a network or publisher. That said, I do have a project that I'm willing to announce here because it's a done deal (as of about a few weeks ago) and I might as well announce it officially here. The only other place I've announced it was in person on my book tour, and there has been no announcement prior to this on the Internet, so this is a Reddit exclusive:

I am writing a new book, tentatively titled I Am Better Than Your Kids. It will be based on my popular article of the same name, found here: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule2 http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

This is the book I've wanted to write ever since I wrote that article, and the book I wanted to write even before "The Alphabet of Manliness." I've finally been given the chance to do that now, due in large part to the success of AoM. The book will cover many aspects of critiquing the work of children, all done by me in the same style and tone, as well as a few surprises. The publisher is Simon & Schuster. The release date will likely be some time next year. I will be accepting submissions for children's artwork soon, but not until I create a website for the book along with a submission form to clear all the artwork with legal mumbo jumbo. I'm just as excited to read this book as I am to write it, and that's not just me blowing myself. I've seriously wanted to do this book for a long time.

In addition to the book, I'm still working on my webisodes, and have 2 ready to go, but I may have to re-render the intro and change the title to it due to some recent developments with other (network) related TV stuff, which is part of the reason it has taken me so long to post the webisode stuff too. I won't elaborate further until there's some actual news to report.

@Maddox - You seemed to have touched on a quality over quantity theme in several of your posts in this thread. I think we are just pointing out that doing more than a post every year makes it difficult for us to still view you as relevant. Personally I would be happy if I could see a maddox post every other month.

Congrats on your success I wish you all the best.

The word "relevant" is a weasel word, like the word "stronger" or "faster." Stronger than what? Faster than what? Similarly, your use of the word "relevant" here makes no sense because you've given me no comparison of someone who you consider to be relevant, and to what person, place or thing you consider that person to be relevant to.

Any time I post something topical, it is by definition relevant to the topic I'm discussing. However, if by "relevant" you mean relevant to your life insofar as my style of writing and satire influences your thoughts and opinions, then it might make sense. But if that's the case, then my infrequency of posts should be the least of your worries if your ability to think critically about topical issues relies so heavily upon my opinions and updates.

Second question, approximately how much beef jerky do you consume on average between posts?

I've been experimenting with different types of jerky (tuna, salmon, bison, etc) lately. My favorite is still some spicy beef jerky someone gave me on my book tour in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was from a place called Stubby's and the kind was "cannonball run." My friend, Dick Masterson, gave me a dehydrator recently and I'm going to make my own jerky in lieu of having a smoker.

PS: Stubby's doesn't deliver cross-state unfortunately. Though you could try again, I contacted them over 3 years ago.

Someone asked this question but it was deleted when I tried to reply, so here's the question and my answer anyway:

You've chosen to make the leap from your website to projects that involve other mediums. Do you think that ignoring your website to focus on these other projects has hurt the chances of your other projects being successful?

I think the only thing that will hurt the chances of my other projects being successful is if my other projects suck. And I don't intend on letting that happen. I work really hard at everything I do, and I don't like to half-ass any of the work I put out. I don't think people will buy everything I put out simply because my website is popular. Similarly, I don't think people would shun my other projects if my site were unpopular, so long as the projects are good.

Anyone who thinks the success of my book or other projects is due solely to my website's popularity need only see candid forum posts of people who think my articles suck. I get no favors for being popular. In fact, if anything, popularity has hurt me, because there's this whole contingent of elitist dipshits out there who think they're the arbiters of cool, and as soon as they discover that someone else likes their favorite band, author, website, or movie, they stop liking it. I'll never forget the first time I encountered it on a forum. Someone posted a link to my site, and some chick replied "Oh you've heard of Maddox too? Now I don't like him." Idiot.

I've never disliked anything or anyone simply because it was popular. And I'm not even sure I can ever really reach mainstream popularity, because my site takes a big ol' shit on advertisers, families, and most dumbass social conventions--you know, 90% of the things most people like. Many of my friends and family don't even know about my website or writing.

It's like a secret that a few million people are in on. Even if my website got 10 million unique visitors per month (it doesn't), that's a huge number for a website, but that's what? 3% of America? It puts this little social phenomenon in perspective...

You'll never have to worry about offending advertisers if you so decide to use them. They would advertise their own rape if it made them money.

There isn't an advertiser I can't offend. Advertisers have one goal with their advertisements: increase business. If I tell people not to purchase their products, they will stop advertising with me. Say, for example, Orbitz, CompUSA, McDonalds, Microsoft, Apple, Coca-Cola, Burger King, KFC, Websense, AT&T, and countless movie studios I've shat on over the years.

Nokia?

Even in my article lauding the praises of my Nokia smartphone, I lambasted their marketing department. I'm sure multinational cell phone companies aren't rushing to have a guy who uses the word "cock" in the same sentence as their corporate name represent their company.

You, were a hero... at least during the glory days of the internet. The internet has changed a great deal since you started. How much has your traffic dropped, and do you think you could get right back in the game if you wanted?

Loved your book btw.

Edit: Have you ever thought of updating your page, and making some money off of it...

Though it's not near its peaks, my traffic is still pretty steady. Here's a secret about the Internet and its "glory days:" nobody really cares how often you update. People care about quality, not quantity of articles. Nobody cares that you posted 100 shitty posts on your blog. Nobody will remember the hundreds of shitty posts, but they will remember the 1 good one that made them laugh or think. All it takes is one article to spark someone's imagination, and to get them to say "hey, this shit's pretty good. You know what? I think I'll send this to my buddy..."

The reason there are thousands of tumblr sites and countless photo blogs that don't get noticed is because most content creators don't self-edit. If it sucks, don't post it. Keep your brain farts to yourself. People who post every little quip or notion that pops into their head are assholes, because they're tacitly saying "fuck you" to the reader. They're saying "your time isn't as valuable as mine, so rather than me spending my time to edit down my content, I'll let you read it all and sift for good content for me." It's lazy. I edit myself into oblivion. Probably too much. I wrote or started to write 13 articles last year, and only posted 1.

As for the "glory days" of the Internet, you're living in them. Things are actually pretty good right now. After all, I'm still around. And yeah, I know I sound like a self-aggrandizing cock, but having a site titled "The Best Page in the Universe" doesn't lend itself to humility, and what more, it's the solid gold truth. It's telling that a guy like me--a self-made man who started out tinkering around with HTML and programming in his parents' basement--can make a living of his hobby, and challenge the status quo of media empires without selling out. My website was a shoestring operation for many years, completely funded by me, and when it blew up, I started getting more traffic than some of the biggest commercial sites out there. It's still completely self-funded, by the way. The Internet has finally given a voice to people who aren't rich or well-connected.

Did the level of popularity your website received surprise you?

No.

You were one of the first personal bloggers, really paved way for all those shitfucks out there on the intertube. how does that make you feel?

I like it when I inspire people, and they acknowledge me as their inspiration. I hate people who plagiarize me. I like the word shitfucks.

What do you think of this guy?

The page started out as an homage to mine and was a funny parody. He even made and sold hand-drawn parody shirts. Now he hates me, denies me as his inspiration and has taken down his link to my site. Hulk smash!

In high school our web filter had your site blocked. Feeling particularly strong about this (people, it's satire), I approach the IT guy at our school to ask if he had done it manually. Conversation went something like:

Me: Hey, are you aware the maddox.xmission.com site is on our block list? Was that automatic or did you do that?

Him (looking up from his bag of cheez-its): That would be me.

Me: Why? Is there any reason for (blah blah blah questioning authority).

Him (spraying spit, and cheez-its): HE MADE FUN OF LORD OF THE RINGS

Me: Wow, just - wow. Can you remove it please?

I left after that but a few days later it was removed :D

Btw, what's your traffic to your site been like after this IAMA?

Sounds like one of my biggest ex-fans; people who like my writing up until I make fun of something that hits close to home.

IAMA/Reddit traffic is showing about 1000 more visitors per hour than usual.

Have you considered a cartoon on Adult Swim?

Yes, I love Adult Swim. I haven't been in touch with them directly, though. I watch Adult Swim whenever I get a chance, and love most of their programming. "Super Jail" is one of the best pieces of animation I've ever seen.

Let me start by saying that you are the original internet hero. Internet Studies majors will study your works in the year 2110.

Question: With the increasingly popular internet comics such as XKCD and Dinosaur Comics proving to be viable sources of income for their authors, do you ever regret not monetizing your site early on? We all appreciate your insistence on ad-less content but I can't help but think that you could've made a shit-ton of money to fill your treasure chest had you wanted to.

No regrets. People always ask me that, as if they're unaware of my ability to start monetizing my site whenever I want. I could have done it 5 years ago when someone asked me the same thing. I'm aware of all the money I could be making, and in exchange I would have to sacrifice my voice and freedom to say what I want uninhibited by the threat of advertisers pulling their content? No thanks.

Advertisers threatening censorsihp is the reason awesome bits like the masturbating bear aren't on Conan anymore. That, and NBC douchebaggery.

did you cave and buy an iPhone or did you stick with the Nokia?

No, I'm not an idiot, if that's what you're asking, and I think it is. After my E70 I bought a Nokia E90, which was a fantastic phone. It had a powerful GPU with full OpenGL support, like 2-3 years before the iPhone came around. I was running full-screen Quake 1, 2, and QIII: Arena on it, in addition to SNES and GBA emulators (youtube: E90 quake). The keyboard was incredible; complete with tilde, ctrl, and pipes. I loved that phone. I currently use a Nokia N97, and just to prove I'm not some mindless Nokia fan-boy, here's the truth about the N97: it kinda sucks.

I can't, in good conscience, recommend the phone to anybody other than perhaps iPhone users, who are stuck with their functionally crippled pieces of shit. The N97 has a lot of UI shortcomings and is just plain stupid in many regards, but even with all its shortcomings, still has a browser that supports flash, tethering capability, 3.5 G support, an FM tuner, FM transmitter, hot swappable micro-SD cards, 90% of the apps available on iPhone, the ability to replace your own battery, and buttons.

Did you ever post the pictures you took down my friend's shirt while signing her boob at the Alphabet of Manliness signing? I checked the book tour website a few times, but it never seemed to get updated after Tempe. Always get a good chuckle from these pics whenever you come up online.

Boob Signing: http://imgur.com/bLl4v.jpg

Boob Groping: http://imgur.com/gn3Wt.jpg

Manliness: http://imgur.com/rfy6K.jpg

No, a lot of the pictures were misarchived, unfortunately, and I never got around to posting them. Here's signed boob compilation: http://maddox.xmission.com/boobscollection.jpg

I just want to say, people who think you are a moron and a douche bag make you even funnier. You are like the internet's more entesticled Stephen Colbert, who is at his funniest when people don't understand that it is satire / tongue in cheek to a degree. 'Unfastened Coins' just about made me pee my pants.

The ultimate Maddox story (yes, people tell stories about you) is when I was reading Alphabet of Manliness in high school with a friend of mine. His girlfriend didn't get the jokes. They broke up an hour later. You're one polarizing mother fucker, mother fucker.

This is not the first time I've heard of relationships ending because of me. Good. If my writing got you out of a relationship with some thought-controlling old crone, consider it a favor and repay it forward.

Best AMA ever. Didn't think this would happen.

My question is what happened to the link to the short flash animation thing about some guy who got a nintendo and was showing it off to his friend or something. Then they went into a hilarious rendition of the mario tune. I looked for it a while back and it was gone. I want to see it again if it still exsits.

It's an animation by Keith McKnight with music by Group X. I hosted it here on a test site I made a long time ago that I haven't really touched since: http://monkeymofo.com/

Did anyone ever take you up on the swine flu contest?
What's your take on the iPad?

I got a few emails that seemed legit, but honestly, didn't have time to follow up because I went on book tour (so you, the public, failed me). Instead, I drove down to Mexico, the epicenter of swine flu, and had a bunch of Mexicans cough in my mouth. Seriously. I've been meaning to post a follow-up, but haven't had a chance. Here's a picture: http://maddox.xmission.com/swine_sneeze1.jpg

I bought your book twice. Then, I bought the extended edition. I love you.

Me too, on both counts. Actually I've purchased over 20 copies of my own book from Amazon, because the publisher dragged their feet on sending me copies the first time around (seriously, I gave away every single copy of my book--all 5--and I didn't even have a copy of my own book until after the release).

Do you regret the Chuck Norris chapter of your book?

I wrote the outline of my book about a year before my book came out, and the Chuck Norris meme exploded right around the same time. I only wish my book had come out sooner, as Chuck Norris was originally one of the people I had down, along with General Patton, in my Tribute to Real Men article. Anyone who questions the reason that meme exists need only watch Lone Wolf McQuade.

What did you think of going to college at 24?

Same thing I think of going to college at any age: waste of time. There are a few exceptions, like if you need specialized education or you get tutelage by someone with distinct knowledge or an expert in his or her field.

I can write down everything I learned in college on the palm of one hand. The most important lesson I learned was that it's not worth your time. Though don't take that as a license to be a fucking idiot. If you don't go to college, you have to work hard and be inspired enough to learn on your own. Many people aren't inspired, or inspiring, so college may be for them. Their lack of ambition will make them good Subway franchise owners some day, and society needs sandwiches.

1. Did you ever use orbit again?
2. What do you use to book tickets these days?

No. Orbitz contacted me and offered me an additional $100 voucher for travel after I wrote that article, and I never used it. They asked me not to talk about the details on my website, and I agreed not to. Their shitty handling of my customer service complaint was so bad, that my article and response to Orbitz was the subject of a "how not to" white paper published in a business journal a while back. I win.

Though my publisher, in spite of my wishes, booked one of my flights through Orbitz on my book tour. Then again, my publisher is largely oblivious to my website. My original editor left the publishing house after my book came out, and he was the main guy over there who checked up on these things.

I check prices on price aggregators like sidestep, and buy from one of the sites it links to or the airline direct.

Do you read reddit, regularly?

I check my referrer logs and read articles and/or comments that link to me, usually. Or I check when my friend sends me some good threads.

Could you create a RSS feed, so we can know when you update?

I could.

I met you at a book signing and you were a cool, down-to-earth dude. Thanks for doing the tour and I loved the book.

Amen. Thanks for coming out. I always have a blast at my book tours, even though I can't take a shit for hours.

Did Bill O'Reilly ever thank you for the shampoo and tampons?

No, because he's too busy blowing air out of those sopping wet labia lips he calls a mouth.

What browser and OS do you prefer? It'd be nice to hear your take on the current beef between firefox to chrome-converts and the firefox zealots. Also, what do you think about Opera?

I'm using Firefox at the moment with XP, even though I do most of my writing through a Unix shell and putty.

So you still write in VI?

Yes, I write almost everything in vi. I wrote most of my book in MS Word the first time around, but I wrote almost all of the extended edition in vi, and did some formatting with images and layout in Word to finish up.

Have you really been on Reddit for 2 years?!

Yes, I have Reddit, Fark, and Digg accounts.

[deleted]

Still working on it. I mentioned something above, but I may need to re-render the intro and some of the graphics for the show in light of developments in some of my other projects. I'm doing everything myself (short of composing the music), and am spread too thin right now.

Which places have you traveled to around the world? You should write an article about the quirks of different nationalities.

Oh, and it feels like I am talking to a person the magnitude of a country's head!!! Thanks!

UK, France, Italy, Thailand, Hong Kong, China, Syria, Canada, and Mexico. I've thought about writing a travel book because my travel photos and captions are tits.

You are my favorite person on the internet ever since I found your page in 2001 or so. How the hell do you get past level 3 in Contra III without dying?

Shit's easy. The hardest part of the level is being patient enough with the slow panning so you don't hurl yourself off a cliff and go bang your girlfriend instead.

I was working as a publicity person at a magazine when Alphabet came out, and I chatted a bit with your (publisher's?) publicist on the phone. She said that you were one of the nicest authors that they had ever dealt with, "a real sweetie." She said that most authors who produced books similar to yours were true pains, very narcissistic and rude and entitled. She said you had good manners. Somehow, don't ask me how, I wasn't surprised (even as a longtime fan of your site).

All lies.

Maddox, I have always considered you to be my favorite author. Your social commentary often echoes my own feelings, but sometimes it makes me feel like less of a man. In short, you are awesome. However, I recently took a literature class where we were supposed to compare two works of poetry from the last 100 years. I chose to compare your Haiku from The Alphabet of Manliness to TS Eliot's "The Love Song Of J Alfred Prufrock". My instructor felt that your work was not well known enough, so I pointed out all of the time you spent at the top of Amazon.com and other notable media distributors. This however was not good enough, because he felt that your works were "neither in good taste, nor befitting to even be mentioned in any comparison whatsoever with Eliot's masterwork". I again argued that your haiku had more depth in its 17 syllables than Eliot had in his entire writing career. The line "I slept peacefully" is of course symbolic of the apathy of the modern day pirate, and that death was a natural part of life, to be accepted, and not feared to the point of Eliot's self loathing and incessant metaphor. In short, I argued my case with a well written paper, and I received a C. My question is this: what would you do in my situation? -Zack

I like everything about your story. Your teacher is a stuckup douche. Taste isn't objective, and I'd be happy to debate your teacher personally on this.

你的中文水平怎么样？为什么开始学？你学了多久？可以给我们一个你讲中文的录音吗？我觉得我们都会很想听一听！

还有，你有什么宗教信仰？你信什么？

谢谢！

很少。

I assumed you slowed working on your site to work for Cracked, and were makin' more green. Is this true?

I don't write for Cracked any more and haven't for a long time. I think I only wrote a few pieces for their print publication.

is http://twitter.com/Maddox_Xmission really you?

No, I don't have a twitter account. That guy posts most of the same shit (minus the voice and style) that I would if I had a twitter, so I let him have his fun.

http://www.reddit.com/r/maddox/

Created for Maddox news

Awesome logo.

How large a role are you set to play on the upcoming Spike TV late-night show?

Oops... Cat's out of the bag.

I was just looking at pictures from the book signing. Wasn't Maddox a fat blob, or did he drop a ton of weight (and get kinda jacked?)

I gained a lot of weight while writing my book. It was the most stressful thing I'd ever done, by far. I also lost hair and got high blood pressure. My book literally almost killed me, which is pretty badass if you think about it. I've since lost 62 lbs.

Actually, I do have a question for you now. After reading many of the responses on here to question and criticisms that you have posted, I notice that you are very eloquent in your written communication. Do you have any special schooling or training in English or composition, or is this all self taught? I know you speak of self editing and I understand how that can help tremendously; is there anything else that you have done or would recommend to become a better speaker and writer?

My writing style today can be traced to a class I took in college. I took a writing placement test, and they failed me and put me in the most remedial writing class they offered. In that class, my professor was this radical Marxist dude, who was totally off the wall, but also sort of a badass. No, I'm not a Marxist, and he didn't try to indoctrinate us, but he did teach me the most valuable lesson I learned in college, and one of the scarce few things I can write down on the palm of my hand along with the few other things I learned: critical thinking. I recommend everyone read up on critical thinking.

Also a class in Discrete Math helped. It's technically a CS class, but you don't do any programming or even touch a computer during the course. You just learn logic. Once you learn logic, you know how to program, and mastering different languages becomes an exercise in memorizing syntax.

What are your thoughts on Sriracha Chili Sauce? http://www.huyfong.com/no_frames/sriracha.htm

On a scale of 1-10 how would you say it's destruction is on your mouth? stomach? coming out?

I love it. Probably my favorite sauce next to Tabasco. It goes great with chicken. On a scale of 1-10, it's only about a 5.5 on heat.

Do you remember when you came to Cuyahoga Falls, OH on your book signing tour? I asked you if you thought Gaston from Beauty and the Beast was arguably the manliest fictional kids character of all time. You responded by asking me why I was watching Beauty and the Beast and drew a penis next to your signature on my copy of Alphabet of Manliness. Also I had you sign a book titled "Feminism" for my mom.

Yes. I also met a hot physics major out there, and I didn't believe her major was physics. How did your mom like the feminism book?

What are your thoughts on the pilot radio show you did with Tucker and Nils? Did you view that as a big opportunity? Would you have committed to a weekly show? Your style seemed to clash with the other two. Hearing you rant in person was amazing though.

It was a lot of fun, but I pissed away a lot of studio time using the computer to update my site and check email because I was trapped in NY for 4 days without Internet access.

First a comment, then a question.

COMMENT: Seriously dude, badass that you're putting the time into answering questions here. I've been reading your site since about 2000, and I think it's great that you still keep the machine going all by your lonesome.

QUESTION: Has anyone shot you offers for film/television/radio? Bullshit Artist Extraordinaire Tucker Max got his shit turned into a movie, and I'd way rather hit up a Maddox project. Or maybe satellite radio, your style lends itself supremely well to something on Raw Dog comedy.

Yes, more on this soon.

Do you believe everything you write? Or some of it is just for the fun of it?

There's a kernel of truth in most of what I write. There has to be. That's what separates me from the loud-mouthed immitators. I'm not just saying shocking things to get a rise out of people. That gets old, boring and predictable. It has to also be true.