IAMA Sexologist and Licensed Therapist, specializing in Relationships, LGBT and all things Kinky AMA this Sunday Funday

I’m male, early 40s, in a straight relationship. I have no problem orgasming from masturbation, but rarely come during sex with my girlfriend. It started a handful of years ago, before this relationship, and with a different partner. Now my current partner and I live together and I only masturbate very infrequently. Sex has become frustrating for me, due to the infrequent happy endings for me. We still do it, she still gets off, but it’s crazy frustrating for me. A couple weeks ago I wound up finishing myself off after sex while she was in the shower. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to overcome this?

There can be many reasons for why you are experiencing this. I might need some more information as it could be behavioral, psychological or probably a bit of both. When you are masturbating are you watching porn, or fantasizing about something? Do you notice that you tense your body up right before you come, or is there something in particular that you do while masturbating that gets the orgasm (pinching nipples, fondling balls, etc) . Do you masturbate with or without lube or use any toys/sleeves ? Also, has your wife noticed? Are you able to lose yourself in sex with her, or is not being able to orgasm in the back of your mind the whole time?

I use lube, and generally am watching porn. No special nipple tweaking or anything, no tensing.
I feel like I had this problem occasionally in life, but it got worse when I went on Lexapro. My doctor mentioned that it makes orgasm achievement challenging for some on the drug. I think that this suggestion stuck with my and immediately thereafter this problem really started. Thing is, anything I’ve read suggests that the problem usually persists with masturbation, which is why I think it’s not the drug, but the suggestion from the doctor. I told the doctor and she gave me an Rx for a liquid allergy medicine which she said helps in this situation (I’m forgetting the name but can go check if you want to know.) I can’t say the medicine helps with any reliability. So my personal conclusion is that no, I probably don’t lose myself fully during sex anymore, often with a fear or annoyance in the back of my mind that I won’t come.

Lexapro and other antidepressants can often times cause problems in the bedroom unfortunately. Sometimes people's bodies adapt, and sometimes they dont. But since you do orgasm on your own, I dont think it's as simple as it only being the lexapro. If you haven't already , have a discussion with your wife about situation. Be really open and honest with your concerns and what you have been experiencing. Having her on your team can help when combating this ejaculatory incompetence. You might need to spice things up in the bedroom with her in order for you to get lost in t he pleasure of sex. Talking with her about it and seeing what you can work out can also be fun and adventurous. You can watch porn together and get ideas, you can show her how you masturbate while she masturbates or try other things like role play to get you out of your regular mind set. The main thing you want to do it try to enjoy sex again and let yourself get so lost in the moment you might even cum early lol I would also work with a therapist to try and sort out the anxiety related to it and develop some coping skills. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might be a good choice in dealing with that anxiety. Tons of luck to you and if you ever need any more guidance or resources feel free to send me a private message

What is a sexologist?

the simplest answer is that a sexologist is anyone who studies sex. So if you have ever researched how an orgasm works, how some fetishes are developed, or anything like that you would have participated in sexology. Sexology as a profession can take many roles depending on background and education. Some might be academic researchers, some might work with couples to help them enhance their sex life and others may work on creating adult toys

I was talking to a friend once about watersport fetishes, and how I have a pet theory they probably often stem from the fact that many children’s first association with genitalia is based on urination instead of sexual interaction. Every little boy has tried to spy on a woman peeing at some point if they got the chance. Do you think peoples childhood associations influence their fetishes/preferences later on in life?

Hi there! Love this question. You could very well be right. Some childhood experiences might very well pave the way for our kinks and fetishes in adulthood. Thinking about what those are can sometimes be fascinating. One theory on foot fetishes that I always found interesting is that at some point while the child was crawling on the floor, they played with their mothers toes, sucked on them etc, and found such great pleasure in it that it later turned into a foot fetish. That said, everyone is different and not everyone with a kink or fetish has some elaborate back story . They can be as simple as, "i tried it and had fun" . Sometimes, just the thought of doing something so "wild" and being so "naughty" can bring about a great sense of pleasure . So to answer your question, yes sometimes people's childhood associations influence their fetishes later on in life, but some peoples adult associations can also influence their fetishes. It's never to late to get a kink or fetish lol Sometimes, looking for the right one is half the fun :) thanks for the question xoxoCC

Are there any fetishes/kinks that you discourage your patients from?

As long as everything is safe, sane , consensual and not having a negative impact on your life ,have at it :)

xoxoCC

Kind of a dumb question, but I blame Hollywood for this: do you actually help people with sex problems hook up (sexually) with someone to help them? I'm not trying to allude to anything, just... really..... curious.

not a dumb question at all! You're referring to a "Sexual Surrogate" who usually works alongside a therapist by actually having sex with the client to address certain concerns. I personally don't work with one, but yes it's an actual thing lol Type in sexual surrogate and your city on google and you might find one :) thanks for the question xoxoCC

Do you believe that sexual incompatibility really effects a relationship? Not necessarily conflicting sex drives, but let’s say kinks.

Let’s say a GF loves anal sex, but a guy doesn’t like having it. How much do you think that effects a relationship

It depends on the relationship and how comfortable the other partner is in meeting that need. She can love getting rammed up the ass like no one's business, but if he's doing it while feeling uncomfortable, chances are she's not going to love it and he's not going to feel good about doing it. If he's going to feel "dirty" or "guilty" or whatever afterward it's going to take a toll on his self-esteem. It will also take a toll on her and the relationship. Imagine being with someone who finds your kinks repulsive. There is no way that will boost your self-esteem long term. Now if the guy is willing to bang her up the butt like a champ and can find some pleasure in knowing she is being pleased, that's bootyful lol So it really depends on the intensity of the need and the willingness of the other partner to explore that with them. Thanks for the question

xoxoCC

Hi! I'm curious what academic or continuing education criteria you had to meet to become a certified sexologist? How does it compare with some of the other programs out there, like AASECT, that require 100s of hours of in person and online coursework? Also, what state are you certified as an LPC, as I believe state licenses are regulated independently?

Thanks!

Hi there! Thank's for the question! I have all of the AASECT approved required education hours (300) for the sex therapist certification, but I'm trying to move away from therapy and into coaching so I decided to apply those hours for a Sexology certification instead . I'm licensed in Texas and have worked with the most severely mentally ill people in the state, in crisis centers, and community settings which is very emotionally draining. Although I love it and continue working with those cases, I find more joy in working with individuals and couples who aren't necessarily in need of counseling, but are just trying to improve their communication, relationships and sex lives . Best of luck in your journey ! If you ever need any guidance feel free to send me a private message :)

What are your thoughts on asexuals? I think I identify as asexual, but I often doubt myself - but maybe that doubt is just me wishing to be 'normal', you know?

I wish I could take more time to answer this, but I want to try to get to as many as possible. I was interviewed about asexuality on this article : https://www.wellandgood.com/good-advice/what-does-asexual-mean/?fbclid=IwAR3E2TnTlo0leUKIMxr51YC7sj8U0dk0bocYi43uhhZW9vvU7z604op_lqI

it has some good information from myself and other professionals. If you are doubting it, is it because you have romantic attractions? Do you ever feel sexual attraction after you got to know someone? If so you might be demisexual. Sometimes people who are demisexual think they are asexual but get confused when they develop sexual attraction to someone after forming an emotional connection. Thanks for the question :)

Hi!

I am a 30F and my partner is 33M. Increasingly over the past year and a half, I have started having pain with sex, with cramping after. Lately it’s painful on entry to add to the rest of the pelvic pain. Now, it’s all the time, without sex and it takes days to recover if we do have sex. I have heavy and very painful periods, that’s always been the case. I have seen several OBGYNs with no answers. They briefly mentioned I should be checked for endometriosis, and see a pelvic floor physical therapist. It’s put a huge strain on our sex life and from what I’ve read this could be a very long recovery process, or it could be a chronic issue for the rest of my life. Do you have any insight?

Hi there, thanks for the question. So sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. It must be so frustrating to have pain interfere with receiving pleasure and the toll it takes on a relationship. I would definitely look into endometriosis and a sex therapist in your area. In the mean time, find other ways to enhance intimacy in your relationship. The body has many erogenous zones, and there are many ways to give and receive pleasure that dont involve vaginal penetration. Have your partner give you an erotic massage or run his fingers , a feather or even his tongue throughout your body. Close your eyes and feel all of the sensations, letting him know what feels good, what feels great and what doesn't. This will be a great way to have an erotic experience together that is filled with pleasure . You can also try mammary , oral or anal sex if you are comfortable. If you don't experience pain in the clitoral area you could have a clitoral orgasm . There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner . Have some fun exploring other avenues while you continue to seek medical treatment. You might have to get creative, but that's part of the fun and will help you two bond :)

I just saw a post on twitter and i figured, i might as well get your take on it?

"kink doesn't belong at pride :// " pride is the anniversary of a RIOT get out with this "family friendly" bullshit we're not here to be assimilated by het culture

To me this seems to get close to the idea of a toxic behavior, it takes an event thats supposed to enable those in the lgbt community and makes into something thats still just a protest.

Part of my issue is that there are lgbt families, and beyond that there are lgbt youth who may suddenly feel uncomfortable at an event meant to enable them to feel pride in their sexuality.

But im a straight white dude and i dont want to make an argument that i have no merits in, and that i cant fully relate to the experiences that need to be had for that debate

Thanks for your time in reading this and responding if you choose to

Top level question because the automod deleted this Whats your favorite color?

Hi there!!!! Great question!!!! Sometimes I hate being a therapist, because I see the side to every story. I agree with the family issue and youth feeling uncomfortable with the over the top displays . But I also dont think there is anything wrong with sexuality and most problems I see come as a result of shaming and repressed sexuality. Especially here in America where there is a huge lack of real sex education. If having kink at pride opens up educational conversations about sex, I am all for it. That said, there's a difference between kink on display and full blown sex on display . Do i believe kink has a place in pride, yes, but it should be as a means to be yourself and not just for the purpose of shock value. and my favorite color is Yellow :) Thanks for the question

Do you support circumcision?

oooooh , that's such a tough question!!!! Personally, I don't . I think it's a thing of the past with no real benefit that imposes someone's will onto a non consenting body . But at the same time, I do like the look of a circumcised penis lol But then again, i like the look of all penises . What about you? do you support it?

How do you feel a out Polyamorous relationships?

They require excellent time management, communication skills and a true desire to be in one. They can be just as healthy or unhealthy as monogamous relationships :)

thanks for the question

xoxoCC

Is the rise in "casual" BDSM-esque practices a cause for concern? (e.g. people, usually women or submissives, who like being choked/hit or talked down to during sex)

EDIT: In case it wasn't obvious, the discussion also includes the people committing these acts.

yeah i'm concerned I haven't encountered any

OMG, I CAN'T with this comment! lolol

I don't believe so. As long as it's been fully discussed, done consensually and with the use of safe words (or signs ). One of the biggest benefit about BDSM is the level of trust that is built. There are actually many positive things that can be learned from BDSM. Relationships that engage in that type of play build excellent communication skills and provide a safe space to explore desires. Thanks for the question :)

How do you approach discussing topics that you personally have little real life experience?

Are you asking how someone can approach those topics, or how I approach those topics with clients? Personally, I will use the first couple of sessions to let the client tell me anything that i may need to know to relate to their experience, and then I will do my own research . But honestly, when you strip off all of the specifics (being tied up, wearing a diaper, sexual humiliation) you are left with some very universal needs that we can all relate to in some way. We have all experienced wanting to feel more dominant, wanting to just let someone call all of the shots, wanting to feel more desired, wanting to feel taken care of, etc. So on some level, it can be easy to relate to experiences I have never had. But everyone is unique and has their own way of thinking, so it's more important to listen to the person in front of you. There may be many people who enjoy the experience of being spanked, but everyone will have their own unique reason for it.

So if you ever want to approach a topic you have no experience with , be honest. There is nothing wrong with saying "Listen, I really want to discuss ______ with you, but i am very inexperienced with it" and letting the conversation develop. Thank's for the question :)

Are you familiar with littles?

My partner doesn’t believe that the lifestyle is compatible with parenthood, because having a child calls for a lot of responsibility and sacrifice of personal desires. For someone who identifies strongly as a little, do you believe that might hold some truth?

Hi there! Yes I am ! I'm actually doing a video series on abdl/ddlg relationships on my youtube channel. I'll even be trying on a diaper :)

to answer your question , I see your partner's concern but at the same time I don't see why they both cannot coexist. This might mean making some adjustments, but if you work or go to school, you might already be making some. This might be another one of them. If it's something that you value, you will find a way to make it work :) thanks for the question

okay carlos, i have to ask- what's your secret to your amazing hair?

lol mexican heritage maybe and good lighting. Thanks for the question xoxoCC

What are your thoughts about paraphenelic infintilism?

It was one of the hardest things for me to understand at first, but I've been working on a video series on the topic and have talked to many people who have given me a much better understanding about it. It can be a very comforting thing for people and might even help people correct past childhood trauma...and yes some people might get off to it . In a way it's a more extreme form of the baby talk most people do with their significant other

How does one get into the profession? Is it any different from a regular psychotherapist degree? Is there a board than handles certification? What sort of organizations do you work with? Thanks!

This is a very tough question to answer as everyone will have their own path. So the answer will depend on what you want to do (I'm assuming you are interested in the field) . If you want to provide any form of counseling, you will need to get licensed in your state (social work, marriage and family therapy, counseling, etc) . To keep your license and renew it ,you are required (at least in texas, where I am licensed) to continue education . This is where everyone will differ. Some might do their hours on eating disorders, substance use, mental illnesses, and so on. Once I started doing my hours, I realized I really enjoyed learning more about sexuality, so I went down that route. There are various organizations for different certifications depending on what you want to do. Do you want to teach, do you want to coach, do you want to provide counseling, just research etc. Each thing will be different. If you want to coach, you might not need a specific degree, if you want to teach you might, if you want to provide therapy you definitely will. So just keep in mind what you want to do with your life and then go from there. Best wishes! If you ever need any guidance or resources feel free to message me xoxo CC

Why do my penis flaps hurt?

panaka460

maybe it's your body telling you that you need a nice big orgasmic relief?

But I also had discoloration on my butthole flaps to and I have no idea why

there are many possible reasons for the discoloration on your butthole. But you can always try looking for a safe anal bleach to bring your pucker back to its full glory. xoxoCC