Ask Me Anything by Rob Delaney, comedian

I laughed so hard at the Cinnabon/giant's cummy asshole tweet that I was asked to leave the class. So, fuck you

I am really happy to hear that. I am glad you got kicked out of class because my joke made you laugh. I hope you don't become stupid because you missed half of that one class. Thank you.

This is now over. Thank you to everyone who participated!

You seem to have genuine love and respect for women. How did you meet your wife, and how did you woo her?

I met my wife when we were both volunteer counselors at a camp for people w/ disabilities in Massachusetts. We were both working with kids with cerebral palsy. It was summer so she was in a bikini a lot. She was/is very smart and kind and funny and beautiful so I wanted to marry her pretty much right when I met her.

You're my lighthouse.

You're my sea.

Hi Rob, Have you managed to control your depression now?

Yes, I take Lexapro and Cymbalta. Those, plus talk therapy & exercise & eating well (plus not drinking or doing drugs) helps it very, very, very much.

Remember when we were on a team together at the IO? What was the funniest scene I did? What was it really like to work with me? Do you miss me? Exactly how much do you miss me? When can we kiss again

I liked it when you played that dentist who was going blind but was afraid to admit it. I miss you a lot. Like five a lots. We can never kiss again.

How did you get started doing comedy?

What were your early stand up experiences like?

I'd always performed in one way or another, but in 2002 I started classes at the ImprovOlympic in LA. I did that because I'd seen the UCB in NY in the nineties when I was in college and loved them very much. I started standup in 2003. My early experiences were fun and exhilarating but my jokes were shitty and top heavy and I cringe when I think about them. Regardless the more I did it the more I loved it. That continues to this day.

Before you started standup, in what other ways did you perform?

Did you ever have a really bad experience early on where you completely bombed? Did it discourage you or did you learn to just take it as experience?

I bombed very badly as recently as a few months ago at a show in LA. And I'm glad I did. You must bomb to learn. And yes, I bombed plenty in the beginning. A comedian has to have battle tested armor that they build and accumulate over years. Bombing (if you look at why you bombed) will make you funnier, plus it makes you work harder and a comedian who doesn't work hard (as much as they may enjoy the work) will suck, guaranteed.

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As long as I'm on Twitter.

How often do people take your tweets as real things you do?

Number wise, a lot. Percentage wise of people who follow me? Very small.

How man times a day do you get an erection?

I don't know, maybe 3?

Hey Rob--just how cutthroat is comedy behind the scenes, really? You seem like a relatively nice guy but I'm aware of how you've been trolled on Twitter and am pretty sure at least one troll was some kind of professional rival. How do you deal with that kind of bullshit and maintain a modicum of mental health?

It's as cutthroat as you want it to be? Which for me is zero. I know a LOT of kind, hard-working good standups, some of whom make a living doing it, and some who don't. "Hollywood" is no different from any other field (and I've worked in many) in that you work hard, show people how the fuck they better treat you (through example etc) and it works out or it doesn't. Anytime worrying about others is time down the fucking toilet. And I'm no saint; I've wallowed and envied and all that, but once I learned that moved you backwards, I really tried to cut it out.

How much has Twitter affected your career?

P.s. your ep of WTF was incredible.

Thanks!

A lot. It has absolutely gotten me jobs writing for TV and articles and speeches and stuff for other people. I know it contributed to the book deal that I got and am writing now. It helps me sell tickets on the road. It has been invaluable.

If you were gay and had to choose between Leonard Nemoy and Elton John, who would you do?

Elton John, because he is gay. Leonard Nimoy isn't gay so it would be pretty traumatizing for him. Plus Elton could help guide me through it since I've never had sex with a man and would be nervous.

Tell us a joke, funny man.

Q: Who smells like a very warm bad of loose watery donkey shit? A: bricardo! (laughs, applause)

First, I really enjoy your comedy. Second, I would totally bang you if given the opportunity. Third, what is your actual stance on pot? Those jokes confuse me. <3

Ha! I don't give a shit about pot. The joke I do about pot isn't even original, it's like Dragnet, Joe Friday, Reefer Madness, etc... I just can't help it, the idea of someone coming down so ridiculously hard on pot is funny to me. I happen to not smoke pot now, but I did for years. My honest opinion is that it's a waste of time, but if people want to do it, please please go right ahead and it should absolutely be legal.

Favorite small standup venue in LA?

UCB or Improv

It's there any topic that you consider to be taboo?

Not really. Let's take rape for example. It's not funny. End of discussion. But you can do a funny joke about how people talk about rape, or you can juxtapose it against something else in a way that will evoke laughter and a "new" way of thinking in people who aren't monsters and/or rapists. So it's all about the way the joke is done. Is your motivation/volition to help or shed light in a way that will (if taken to its maximum/mega-extreme) result in LESS rape in the world? Then please, talk and joke about it.

Rob - I have to say that you're literally the reason I joined Twitter. You're one of the funniest people I've ever read anything by. It's been great to watch your fanbase grow. A few questions, answer any or none:

1 - Who would you say are your top comedic influences? 2 - Favorite comedian all time? 3 - Favorite comedy work of all time (play, movie, or TV series) 4 - Are you a fan of Chris Lilley's work?

Thanks in advance if you can answer. Keep it up, you funny grandmotherfucker.

1. Richard Pryor, Chris Rock
2. Richard Pryor
3. Maybe "In the Loop"
4. I know who Chris Lilley is but I haven't seen his stuff. I hear I should.
5. Thank you.

how many chicks have peed on your chest?

No one has ever peed on me, other than my baby, that I know of. I'm open to it though. Curiously, I would never pee on anyone else though.

What are your thoughts on Kony 2012/Invisible Children? I'm really torn about the whole thing.

I see it as a rehearsal for something better/more focused down the road. Do we really want to arm an opposing force to Kony based on something we saw in a video (and wake up and leave dreamland if you think the VAST majority of people watching that slick video are doing any further homework) Is Kony a fucking monster? Yes. Is this the way to deal with him? My UNDEREDUCATED, NONPROFESSIONAL opinion is probably not. But because someone is Kony's enemy doesn't mean they'd responsibly handle a big influx of cash and weapons. Pick up a history book before you pick up your checkbook. That said, I think the tactic Invisible Children is using is powerful and a testament to the way things can/do work in the world now.

What's the weirdest thing you've done with your penis

I made a thing out of a condom, some lotion, a sock, and a towel in high school and I had sexual intercourse with it.

You'd been doing standup in New York for a while before Twitter essentially gave you your "big break," right? Do you think that all the time spent before "making it" helped you develop/solidify the voice that's now made you famous?

I actually live in LA, but everything else you wrote/asked is true. I pursued all the classical avenues of "making it" before Twitter came along. I did standup constantly and submitted writing packets to all the late night shows. I "pounded the pavement," as it were and worked odd jobs, telemarketing and other awful stuff and was motivated in equal parts by love of what I was doing and fear that I would die broke and in a gutter watching the tail lights of a big Mercedes pulling away that contained my wife and some guy who could actually support a family. So I am VERY VERY grateful that any success came after I was sober, in my mid 30s, married and had been working at it for over 10yrs.

What's your favorite knock knock joke?

Knock Knock! Who's there? clamscantfeel clamscantfeel who? clamscantfeel is a fucked up name please help me oh my god

Hello Rob,

1) You once mentioned that the secret ingrediant in your hugs is boner. Is there a secret Ingrediant in your boners?

2) You're twitter feed features a lot of political humor these days. I find it extremely impressive that you manage to be opinionated and still funny without coming off as an asshole, as others too often do (eg. Bill Maher) How do you think you achieve this?

Thanks! I think you must agree with me on a lot, because many, many people think I'm a giant asshole when I talk about political stuff. And that's terrific. I couldn't give a shit.

What's your personal relationship with Kelly Oxford?

Your guys' banter back and forth is hilarious. Plus she's from the greatest city on the planet...Please come to Calgary and do comedy.

Kelly is someone I've been fortunate to hang out with on numerous occasions. I endorse her as a writer and a person. I would love to come to Calgary.

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Serafinowicz is probably the greatest we'll ever see. Beyond that there are (thank goodness) so very many others.

When were you first told you looked like a player for the Red Sox?

The moment Mike Lowell joined the Red Sox.

Is your aunt really a cunt?

None of my aunts are cunts.

1. Will you ever change your Twitter avatar?
2. What are some of your favorite bands?
3. Favorite Meal?
4. Will you ever show your son your tweets?

1. No
2. The The, Fugazi, Queens of the Stone Age, Led Zeppelin, Masters of Reality, New Pornographers
3. Regina's pizza in Boston
4. I won't say "Hey, come look at these," but if he ever finds them, so be it.

I remember you've made some references to your battle with depression. How do you think it affects your comedy? How do you think comedy affects your depression?

I'm less afraid to talk about EXACTLY whatever the hell I want because depression was so scary that nothing else, i.e. fear in any other area is totally inconsequential in comparison. So for that reason, I suspect depression helped make me "funnier." Then comedy affects my depression positively because the doing of it and the consumption of it makes me very happy.

Favourite TV show? Why?

The Wire. It highlighted important social issues but you only realized it after you were done with each episode because the stories were so fucking good. So it was entertaining first and important a close second, something more shows should aspire to do/be.

Worst job you ever had?

Telemarketing for a shitty stock newspaper. I'd call people and be like "Do you want this newspaper?" and they'd say "No, it is garbage," and I'd say "Yes, it really is. I'm sorry I bothered you at your home or place of business." It fucking sucked. A lot of the people who worked there were homeless or lived in their car.

do you really love saggy tits and enormous bush as much as you say?

Yeah, I kinda do.

Marry, Fuck, Kill:

Suze Orman, Björk, Sandra Fluke

I like all 3 of them, so I'd fuck them all if they'd have me. One at a time, though.

who do you want to win the presidential election

Barack Obama. I would rather have it be someone less beholden to lobbyists and corporate interests and more aggressive on affordable health care for all and education, but since our 2 party system will still be in effect come November, I vastly prefer Obama to Romney. And I'm not a Democrat.

How soft is president Obama's skin?

Probably not THAT soft because he smokes. (Or did he quit?) In any case, smoking reduces the skin's elasticity, which would make it less pleasing to the touch.

When are you coming to the UK?

June, Soho Theatre for a week. Exact dates TBD

Which do you enjoy more: performing (stand-up, acting, etc) or writing (your twitter, columns, etc.)? Obviously they are linked, but you have to choose one!

standup. easy question

Torpedo tits or pancake tits? Also, are you coming by Kansas City sometime?

Maybe pancake? I like all breasts, really. Small, big, I don't care. While it may contradict the silly stuff I say on Twitter, I care more about who they're attached to. (Please don't tell anyone I said that.)

What are your favorite books? Top 5 for example

Moby Dick Beloved Anything by Phoebe Gloeckner Mysteries by Knut Hamsun Tender is the Night

Have you gotten backlash from other, maybe more "road-centric" comedians about your popularity since it came so largely from twitter?

If that exists, I've never heard about it. Also, I'd be HAPPY to get onstage before or after anyone who challenged my standup prowess. (I'm not saying there aren't people better at standup at me; there CERTAINLY are, they just wouldn't whine about me being known from Twitter because they'd be "at peace" with how good they are at standup, unlike the hypothetical whiner we're wondering about)

I have gotten a relatively late start to comedy, starting improv 2 years ago at UCB NYC and now beginning to do stand up. What advice do you have for new comics and writers to network and gain traction in the industry?

Write all the time, read all the time, perform all the time. Anything else is just a variation on that. Also: http://robdelaney.tumblr.com/howtomakeitincomedy

When they pack the house at the UCB Theatre and have the audience sit on the stage, is that weird to you while you're doing your act? Do you feel like you're hosting Romper Room? It feels weird sitting there.

Ha! No, I like it. I like to touch and smell the audience.