Justin Samuel Halpern

He was actually very nice. He has a lot of amazing old Hollywood stories. He'll be silent for ten minutes, then turn to you and say something like "I once punched out a fellow actor on stage during a broadway show for touching me." Then he'll go back to silence.

Just remember this: No one ever wants to fuck a writer. Everyone wants to fuck a musician...

My dad wanted me to be a major league baseball player. I fizzled out after two years of playing in college. That was a bummer for him. But he's proud of me. He once told me "you're terrible at everything but writing, so I'm glad you chose that. I'm proud of you." That's the way he says he's proud of me. Which, is actually very sweet if you're there.

Thanks for having me on here and I hope I answered all your questions. Even you, guy who asked me if I fucked my sister. Even you. I'm off to bed, but thanks again.

I think my favorite is "A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins the nobel prize, but the other gets robbed a hooker, then you failed." It nicely summed up parenting in a way I hadn't heard before.

I'm flattered that people think that. I can't really take that much credit because it is just, shit my dad says. In fact, I can't really take ANY credit if we're being completely honest here. Let's not be completely honest though, let's give me some credit.

I spent the two dollars I got from that on a smoothie this morning. It was delicious.

I offered him as much of the book deal money as he wanted. He told me, and, well, I quote "Keep the fucking money. I have my own money. I don't need yours."

It's pretty hard to get him near the internet. He has a huge fear of it, not joking, because of that fucking Sandra Bullock movie the Net, and some weird report on CNN about identity theft he saw.

He knows, yeah, but he doesn't really get the scope of it. He also doesn't care. I've tried to get him to look at the page, to make sure he doesn't feel like I'm misquoting him. He took one look a few weeks back and just said "Yeah, I said that stuff." Then never looked again.