I Am Drew Magary: Deadspin Columnist, GQ Correspondent, And Author Of "Someone Could Get Hurt." Ask Me Anything.

Which would you rather fight: 100 Mitch Albom sized Will Leitchs or a Jason Whitlock sized AJ Daulerio?

The Leitches. It's not even a question. AJ would beat me in a fight at his normal size.

We're ten months away from Super Bowl XLVIII. Let's say you are told that the Vikings will win it ON ONE CONDITION AND ONE CONDITION ONLY: that you do not ejaculate at all between now and the game. That means no sex, no masturbation, nothing. Are you man enough?

No.

Will Postmortal be made into a movie? What about a sequel?

We're getting close to a deal with someone for optioning the movie/TV rights. I can't formally announce it until shit gets signed. My hope is that it happens soon, since we all have a verbal agreement.

Of course, an option means nothing. It's still a longshot to get made. I don't think a lot of studios are willing to spend millions on something that bleak. They aren't dumb.

Hey Drew, why don't you write at KSK anymore?

The deal with that is that, in the summer of 2012, I was simultaneously offered a spot on GQ's masthead (FANCY!) and a salaried position at Deadspin. I'd freelanced at both before that. But part of the deal was that I would stay exclusive between my two lovers. A real French movie-type thing. That left KSK out of the mix, which is obviously too bad because I love the site. It's where I got my start, and I wish I had more time and resources to stick around. But I had to make the move. Frankly, my act there was getting stale. I can't rip on Chris Berman for making the same fucking jokes over and over if I'm gonna be writing lazy Tommy from Quinzee posts at KSK when I'm sixty.

I know you went to school in Maine and grew up in CT (or your parents live there or something), so why do you hate THOSE FACKIN' KEHDS FROM SOUTHIE AND ALL OVAHH BOSTON? IS IT CUZ OWAHHH SPOHTS TEAMS AHHH BETTAH THAN YOUAHHH SPOHHTS TEAMS? OR CUZ OWAHH COLLEGE KIDS AHH SMAHTAH THAN YOUAHH COLLEGE KIDS?

Most of it was a reaction to the pervasiveness of Boston fanboyism in the greater national media. Like I've said before, if every goddamn sportswriter were a Texas Rangers fan, you'd be like, "What is all this Rangers bullshit? Fuck the Rangers." Same deal here. It's more a reaction to that than to Boston itself. The last time I went to Boston I actually had a really good time. There's gonna be a Boston reading and I;m probably more excited for that than any other stop. You;ll be able to throw beer on my parents in person!

Whenever I tell people you're my favorite writer on the internet (that vacuum sound you're hearing is 20,000 Redditors calling me a suck up) I always waffle on how to pronounce your last name.

So, what is the proper pronunciation of your last name?

Muh-gary. Just like Mitch McGary.

Daulerio's favorite butchering of my name remains MAGBAREY, sent in a scathing hate mail. He calls me nothing but MAGBAREY now.

How far can you punt a football?

20-30 yards.

Not a question, but I just wanted to thank you for your "Pain is a Gift" article. You wrote it not long after our son (a 28 week preemie) passed away. My husband has been a big fan of yours for a long time, and it really helped him to read your words and know that his feelings and fears were valid and that it was okay to laugh even when the worst thing you can imagine was happening. We are so glad your (no longer so) little guy is doing well! Thanks again!

I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I really am. I wish nothing but great things for you and your husband for the rest of your lives.

Which is your favourite BIG ______? I'm going to guess BIG MAYO, but I'm thinking there could be a few darkhorse favourites.

BIG TELEPORTATION. That was kind of the first one. In the back of my mind is a novel called "Big Teleportation."

One dude on Twitter was like, "The BIG jokes are played out, you fucker," and it's amazing how one comment like that can plant a seed of doubt in your head. I was like, "Maybe he's right. Then again, maybe he's part of BIG BACKLASH. Fuck him."

One of the best things about your writing (compared to someone like Bill Simmons) is that you remain self-deprecating as you become more famous and meet celebs like Snoop Dogg and Justin Bieber. When can we expect that to change and for you morph into a patronizing, condescending asshole? My guess would be when you are on with Terry and Jimmy on Fox's pregame NFL show.

Oh, it's gonna happen. A few weeks ago, I had to change a reservation at a restaurant, but the website said they didn't have any reservations at the time I wanted to change to. So you know what I did when I called? I said, "Hi, this is Drew Magary, GQ magazine. I was wondering if you could help me change a reservation..." That is awful. My wife overheard me do it and was like, "NEVER do that again."

I did get the earlier reservation. I don't think it had shit to do with my intro, though. I don't think the hostess even heard it.

Are the Gregggggggggg recaps really gone for good? They really made my week.

They're gone. No more. Sorry. My days of fisking are likely over. I've abused the format too much.

Do you ever write an article, realise you haven't included any all-caps text, and then gone back and changed it because it's your thing? Or do they all happen naturally?

It usually happens naturally, as I think it in my head. I use the caps because they emphasize exactly what I want to emphasize, and because I'm too lazy to HTML in italics.

When I do a Deadspin post, I barely edit the thing. I know... shocking. I just usually look it over for typos or clear fuckups and then it gets fired off. If it sucks, there's always the next post.

Were your children mistakes, or intentional? How did you react to being a dad?

All of my kids were intentional. No unforced errors by me.

Please describe the feeling being on the phone talking to Howard on his show, in front of millions, and getting the King of All Media to laugh. Thanks. Big fan of your work, you freak.

I'll never beat that. I grew up idolizing Howard, so that was pretty awesome. And the thing is that he's been doing this forever, so he knows how to make you feel at ease. It was early as shit when I went on, so I didn't have much time to freak out. But even so, he's got that voice and that manner that just puts you in a comfortable mood. IT was only when I hung up when I was like HOLY FUCK HOWARD STERN BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BAKER STREET BABA BOOEY

Big Daddy Drew,

I'm a huge fan of your writing. Can't wait to get your new book!

What kind of writing do you find the most enjoyable? Is it the hatchet jobs like Fun With Peter King, the deep personal stuff like 'Pain is a Gift' Dadspin, the GQ profiles/ kidnapping experiences, the not-so-deep Dadspins, etc.?

What motivates you to write things like your brilliant Banana Pudding Milkshake article?

Who is your favorite KSK character? My personal favorite is Rex Ryan: Greatest Coach Ever.

Keep up the awesome work!

Whoa hey, one question per question please. Don't pull a Dr. Philip Barbay exam on me.

Anyway, I have no "favorite" thing to write. Different assignments are fun in different ways. The only time I don't enjoy myself is when something has to be posted and I've got shit for ideas and I have to make something out of that pile of shit. That's how you get me writing terrible posts about Megan Fox.

How many Funbag questions do you typically get per week? Do you read all of them? Do you ever save any that you don't publish to use in case of slow weeks? Ever tried to publish an all-Funbag book? I'd read it

I get about a hundred emails a week, I'd say. I'm behind on the pile, frankly. Every question you see in the Funbag is usually a month old because I can't keep up. And frankly, a lot of the entries are really good. I don't skip over as many as you might think I would.

Mug-gary? I always read it in my mind as MAG-ary. Thanks for ruining that.

I'm sorry.

My girlfriend and I love your writing. Thanks for coming to Durham and signing my copy of Men with Balls. Simple question:

What is your favorite Simpson episode?

And next time you go to a Cookout remember you can mix the milkshake flavors.

"Homer and Apu." I'm a James Woods fanboy.

Drew,

What does your typical day look like?

Do you get recognized by readers in the streets?

Does your family ever give you shit about cursing so much in your writing? If yes, do you tell them to fuck off?

Who chooses the kids' names in your family?

PS: loved The Postmortal, it was really really good.

I write from 8:30 to 4:30, usually, with a trip to the gym and picking up my son from preschool in between. I don't usually write at night.

I get recognized a little bit more often, but not all that much. It hasn't happened in a few weeks, probably because I don't go anywhere.

Other than @Dadboner, who are your favorite three people to follow on twitter?

@edsbs, @davidgrann, and of course ZMF.

@pftcommenter is a massive omission here.

Agreed. He's awesome.

In his AMA, I asked Ufford if he could take you in a fight and he said you'd win due to dad strength. He's being modest right? He'd totally kick your ass.

Yep. He'd ruin me.

What would you say to Peter King if you met in person?

"Uhhh... sorry? (runs away in cowardly fashion)"

Which ingredient would you totally CRUSH if it were in your Chopped mystery basket?

Strip steak. And store bought pizza dough. I'm a wizard with store-bought dough.

Hey Drew, does your wife read your crap?

She reads Dadspin, which she likes, and she reads all of my GQ work. she avoids the sports stuff because she hates sports. She also likes my books, this one in particular, which means I probably did all wrong. You'll probably call it TUESDAYS WITH DREWIE in derisive fashion a year from now.

My wife doesn't always like the raunchy stuff, but to her credit, she's always been 100% supportive of whatever I do, and this goes back to me in my New York days whipping out dildos during amateur standup night. She has a high tolerance for that sort of idiocy.

Another big fan here. I have 2 questions.

1) How often do you actually see/hangout with KSK and Deadspin folks? Are they just "online" buddies, or do you have close personal relationships with any of them?

2) How much time do you spend on reddit? Is it an everyday kind of thing, just a few times a week, or rarely? It seems like it's becoming a regular stop for most online journalists* these days.

Thanks, and good luck with the book!

*term used loosely (I know you love footnotes, bitch)

1) I live close to KOGOD, so I see him a lot. I go to the movies with Tunison sometimes too because he's in the area. And I try to hang out with Craggs and Emma and Ufford whenever I happen to be in NYC, which is a few times a year. I don't see flubby much because he's in Kentucky and busy making homemade corn vodka.

Is Emma single? Will she marry me?

Yes, she will marry you.

UPDATE: She will not marry you. I jumped the gun there.

That Bieber article was hilarious. Any interesting stories from your brief time with him that you didn't fit into the article?

http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201206/justin-bieber-gq-june-2012-interview-outtakes-extras

If you had to pick between Balls Deep, Jambaroo or Fun With Peter King which would say is your favorite one to write?

Also, how hard was it deciding that it was a smart decision to leave your "real" day job and focus full-time on writing for Deadspin and KSK?

I was laid off by my ad firm in 2009, so the decision was made for me. That's usually how life works: You don't act until your hand is forced.

How are the fried pickles?

Customers are no longer allowed to ask me about my fried pickles.

You're the author of a dystopian novel that gets grimmer and grimmer until its superdark ending and you pepper the Funbags with references to nuclear war and terrorism. It's clear you don't have the most optimistic world view.

a) What's the root or origin of all of your worry? b) Do you really think it's all going to end badly?

(He asked the King of the Dick and Shit jokes.)

I don't know. I actually have a fairly rosy view of people in real life. They tend to be nice to me at every turn. I only talk about nuclear annihilation because I find it interesting... because it's so insane... this huge thing that happens to EVERYONE and causes the entire world to stop. That's so far beyond my comprehension that I kind of like to wallow in the idea. Plus, imagine that day on Twitter!

favourite thing you've ever written/reported?

I dunno. Honestly, it's always better to look forward to what you're gonna do more than look back on what you've done. I like to go back and re-read my shit on occasion (I'M SO CLEVER!). But in general, I'm much more interested in finding new ideas and beating the shit out of them.

Love you, love your...show I guess...

I find myself relating on a personal level to your food stories, especially about scrounging leftover office food, pastries in particular. As a former widebody, do you have any tips on how to resist the siren call of a 6 hour old cheese danish?

I try to think of it less as dieting and more as editing. Is that danish gonna be the most important eating part of your day? Fuck no. Keep tonight's pound of bacon and leave the rest on the cutting room floor.

Who pays when two gay men are out on a first date?

Whoever asks the other one out. Same as heteros.

First off, love the Funbag and Jamboroo. Does it ever bother you when people start writing in your style to send in questions, LIKE WRITING IN ALL CAPS, kind of stealing your bits?

Sometimes I de-cap some of the questions. That's probably a dick move.

What would you rather have put on your face while sleeping? A huge spider, a nut sack, or something that has been up another person's ass?

A nut sack. A nutsack won't bite me. It's soft. And if we're being honest here, your nutsack isn't really much grosser than my own. So go ahead and teabag me. I'm okay with it.

BDD,

Are you one of those people that instantly has to find out where in MN so and so is from? My wife thinks I am rude because I don't ever seem to want to talk to people from MN as they all seem super excited for no reason to see where in MN you grew up. Oh you're from Minneapolis? Wow! That's amazing who would have thought that the biggest city in the state had people move out of it.

No. That's a native Minnesotan thing that I don't do. Native Minnesotans are like "You're from Minnesota?! Oh, well you're clearly a better person than anyone from outside our perfect little state. LAND O LOONS GUYS!" I still say MinneSOta, but in general, I tend to behave like an East Coast person.

I'm a huge fan of yours. Any advice for a guy who wants to make a living using profanity writing about sports on the Interwebs?

Keep up the good work my man.

Just comment everywhere and tweet like a motherfucker. If you look at what Celebrity Hot Tub and PFTcommenter are doing, you can see that there's still a chance to get noticed if your voice is different enough. It's really about voices now. Your shit can't sound like everyone else's shit. I can't offer any good advice as to achieving this, except that you should take in a lot of influences and keep writing until your voice pops out.

[deleted]

I majored in English and had a creative writing minor. I went through some of my old short stories from Colby during Thanksgiving and they're fucking awful. I thought they were GOLD when I wrote them. I was just aghast that I could be that stupid.

English was clearly helpful for what I do now, but I don't think it's a pre-requisite. I think that, in general, the more you know, the more things you can poke fun at or make allusions to. So my only real reading interests now essentially involve taking in information--kickass information like assassinations and shipwrecks--but info all the same. All of that gets used.

Has life at Deadspin changed since you guys broke the Manti story?

Nope. In fact, we're now under the gun because we have to find shit that gets as much traffic. So thanks for NOTHING, Manti. IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME.

What do you miss most about life before having children?

I miss getting from walking out my front door to the car actually pulling out of the driveway in less than forty minutes.

Did you watch The Price is Right this morning?

No. A pity. No one enjoyed fapping to Dian Parkinson's PB spread more than I did as a youngster.

At Deadspin, or really at any online site you've written for that has an already established readership, how much emphasis do the higher ups place on page views and SEO practices? What are your thoughts on that shit?

Keep up the good work.

Gawker and most other sites now only give a shit about new unique visitors. In other words, if you've been a diehard reader for five years, you're worthless. They need NEW people. So that means your grandma is more valuable a reader than you are. Sorry.

Are you and Chris Kluwe basically best buds? What are your thoughts on him and his pieces on Deadspin? His Yakspin is still one of my personal favorites.

We email from time to time, but I wouldn't say we chat a lot. I think he's great. I'm glad there are guys like him and Brandon McCarthy out there to show the world that not every athlete is a fucking moron.

My favorite thing you do is the "Why Your Children's Television Program Sucks" series, and I have introduced you to many new fans from it. That said, when will you destroy that little shit Caillou?

I have to confess: I've never seen it. Nor have my kids. And that's almost a pity because I get more requests to do that show than any other show. By an order of magnitudes. I can't even imagine how awful it is.

So obviously Kinja has ruined everything and I can't just see a list of all your Deadspin posts like I used to do without seeing every single dumb comment you've made as well.

See?

Is there any way to get a list of your posts like I used to get at http://deadspin.com/people/drewmagary/posts?

http://deadspin.com/tag/balls-deep

What is currently your favorite fantasy? In terms of stopping the hijacking of a plane, and then piloting it to safety with a 50's stewardess on your lap?

This book being turned into a TV show that wins 500 Emmys and is hailed as a classic that redefines what the family sitcom is all about. In reality, I'd be lucky if it becomes "Listen Up".

Are you surprised at all regarding the recent issues Bieber has had in the public eye?

Not really. I may write more about this at GQ, but basically he's someone with a sixth or seventh grade education being asked to support a $100 million-dollar business. It can't end well.

For the rest of eternity, you can only have one. Frank's or Sriracha. WHO YA GOT?

Frank's. I feel like Sriracha is overrated. There. I said it. It feels good. DO YOUR WORST.

I would love to ask how big your shits are or what your favorite thing to think about while masturbating is. But what I would really like to know is: what's the best part of being a father?

This is the cheesiest thing ever, but I swear it's true. If you have a kid, that means you always have something smile about. I don't mean that the kid is always perfect. They're not. They can be really annoying. But if you happen to be away from them, and you think about them, it makes you happy. That's what I like best. And the tax credit.

Also, I don't have to spend any time pondering the meaning of life. They're it. Conundrum solved.

You're obviously hilarious, and you mentioned doing amateur stand-up below. Can you tell us a little more about that? How did you find performing your material, and what made you stop?

http://deadspin.com/380809/trevor-immelman-big-black-dildos-ham-sandwiches-whippings-and-the-abandonment-of-game-plans

What is the worst sports moment you have witnessed?

In person? Probably the Kordell Hail Mary, even though I don't go nuts for Michigan football the way I used to. Now I like to brag that I was there. I also discovered I had a hernia while scratching my balls in the stands that day, so that was fun.

What happened to DHF? I used to look forward to that every week!

All the stories started to sound the same and I got tired of de-douching the copy. LET'S CALL HER JENNY...

Do you have a favorite funbag question that sticks out?

The guy that asked me what form I would fight 500 pounds of bee in. Do I take ten fifty pound bees, or 500 one-pound bees, or one super bee. That killed me.

What are the chances that 4 NFL Players actually come out as gay? And what are the chances that even 1 of those players are even household names?

It won't be a household name. It'll be some piddly shit player and that will suck. That's why Jackie Robinson was such a big deal. Not only was he a trailblazer, but he was also better than everyone. That kind of combination is pretty impossible to duplicate. We're all gonna be letdown when Fred Robbins* comes out.

*I have no evidence that Fred Robbins is gay. But again, what a letdown.

As someone who lives around D.C., I'm sure you've noticed a sudden increase in Nationals "fandom." Your hater's guide to the Redskins was excellent - would you mind giving us some brief Nats hate? I'll hang up and listen.

I can't hate the Nats. It's only to be a bandwagon Nats fan if the team didn't fucking exist ten years ago. How else are they supposed to get fans? If the Cards beat them in the playoffs again, I'll shit in Leitch's raisins.

What was your actual job at the ad agency you worked for?

I started as an Assistant Account Exec, which is a fucking awful job. Then I became a copywriter. To this day, I'm still astounded I pulled off the switch. Like, I don't mean that as a marvel at my own skill. I;m just amazed someone was dumb enough to hire me for my shitty portfolio.

Drew, thanks for doing this. What are you gonna do when your kids are old enough to comprehend everything you write? I'd say around 8th grade they will know whats up, what will you say?

Earlier. My seven-year-old is dying to read the book and I have to put it up on the shelf to keep it from here. So my day of reckoning is coming soon. But in general, my kids like me. They're on my side. So I don't know that they'll be all that displeased with me in the long run. Especially buy them... AN IPAD! LOOK AT THE SHINY IPAD! IT'LL WASH AWAY ALL YOUR RESENTMENTS, BILLY!

Big fan Drew. It was a happy day when I got a Funbag question answered.

Out of all the Kharacters you created, which was your favorite? I loved me some Rex Ryan; the column you wrote with him vs. Antonio Dungerson may have been my favorite thing ever.

I loved Ocho and Marvin. Writing those was my favorite, even though people clearly liked the Rex stuff best.

Hey Drew,

Was getting into bed with BIG BOOK and becoming a published author always a life goal? Or was it more of a "this writing/internet thing is going pretty well, let's give it a shot"

I wanted to be a standup or a TV guy. I didn't want to do books because they looked like they involved the MOST writing. But it turns out writing movie and TV scripts is annoying because nothing gets produced and because you have no freedom of any sort. You have to consider format, and budget, and making sure there are three jokes a minute. And whoever reads it out in LA will be a prick. Books are better. You can do what you want.

What was your best and worst memory from your time as a stand up comic? Did you have any jokes that you absolutely loved or hated?

My favorite standup moment was when I did it on a boat during a party in eighth grade. I KILLED. Than my friend Bob accused me of stealing his material. And I was like, "What material? fuck you, bob." That's all true, by the way,

How many athlete penis pics get sent to Deadspin per week?

Not many. I think you've seen as many as we have. It's not like we would just hide two hundred athlete dong photos. When it comes in, it goes up. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Have you ever held back on anything because you felt the deadspin audience would not appreciate it? I ask this because it seems to me that you have pretty much free rein to write about whatever you want.

For example, I loved the emotion you relayed in "Pain is a Gift." But did you ever question whether or not deadspin was the proper venue for such an article?

I usually check with Craggs to see if Deadspin is the correct venue. But in general, I can write whatever comes to mind. My voice fits Deadspin for some reason, even if I veer off topic. Of course, I say that because I'm me. Other people are probably like THE FUCK IS WITH THE PARENTING SHIT?

You mentioned a "scathing hate mail". Who sends you the most hate mail? What's it about?

The most hate mail came during the NFL previews from aggrieved meathead fans. And it's always UR SO BUTTHURT I BET YOU DON'T GET PUSSY LOL. Always.

HI Drew,

I had a question about the Postmortal that I never could figure out an answer to, could you help me out?

The Freezer Mom who got her baby the cure was a monster. But, does the baby develop the ability to speak and learn like a normal human? I find the idea of an infant sized person talking about politics and other topics reserved for adults way more disturbing than a woman caring for a baby in perpetuity.

No, the Freezer Baby stays as dumb as a regular baby. It does not become the E*Trade baby.

What was it like writing an article on, and hanging out with, Snoop?

It was awesome. Clearly. Getting kidnapped was kind of a karmic balance for it. I deserved to be stun gunned for that.

What dorm did you live in at Exeter, and could you ever really support an Andover athlete?

I lived in Soule. We had gang showers.

I'd support an Andover athlete. I don't really care anymore. I hate Belichick for Belichick. If anything, I get all tittilated when someone famous attends a Phillips school. OH I WENT TO ONE OF THOSE! I;m such a gash.

I've noticed you've taken a few jabs at the white stripes, especially Jack White, lately. Are you a fan that just likes to poke fun or do you genuinely not like them/him?

I don't like them. I like some songs, but he's just so annoying. You're a guitar god. Quit making entire albums of marimba music. They have a lot of songs that are awful. No one enjoys listening to "I think I smell a rat".

During your kidnapping story, did you have moments of loathing for the editor who put you into this predicament?

Nah. I knew what I was getting into. Devin gave me every opportunity to say no, but I don't like bailing on things.

Hello!

If you were graduating with a journalism and philosophy degree and really had no idea for your career prospects, considering the 'economic climate' currently, what would you do after graduation? And what advice would you give to someone about to graduate.

Ps. Can I please have a job?

Pps. Only kidding! (Not really). :)

Journalism AND philosophy? Boy, you really nailed the unemployment twin bill.

Again, I would just say to take any shitty job or go live like a fucking hobo for five years. Anything that gets you out and meeting lots of people and doing things, even terrible things. All of that comes back to serve you later on when you're thirty and not a moron.

Have you spoken to Mike Burns since he came out as Dadboner? If so, any plans for an interview?

I've never spoken to him. He's very very hard to contact, and he has a relationship with Vice now, which makes him somewhat exclusive. He's very serious about keeping Dadboner in character, and you have to respect that.

Why did you stop running Great Moments in Poop History? Give the people what they want man.

I mix in bat killing stories and stuff to keep it fresh. And a lot of poop stories are the same. Same reason I killed DHF. But you'll get more poop. Fear not.

Any interest in writing for another medium, or adapting "The Postmortal" into a different medium? A horror/sci-fi comic would be badass.

Did Katie Baker ever comment about you borrowing her name in the book?

Katie wants to be in the next novel, but that named is burnt now. Tough shit, missy.

It seems your twitter followers have grown rapidly. You also are very active on twitter. Do you find twitter a useful promotional tool for your books, Deadspin articles? Do you have enough followers yet to leverage with book agents and publishers?

Rovell?

Was working at the big red advertising agency on that silly blue wireless account the darkest period of your life? It was for me.

No, it was my first time getting paid to write things, so I had no complaints. The ads were fucking terrible, but at least I was being creative and on a career path. It made a really big difference in my life. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have those years working at Ogilvy. Also, I got hired the day before 9/11, so having a job for the resulting three years, when everyone thought we were all gonna die, was nice.

Hey Drew, I purchased The Long Walk and Unbroken based on your recommendations and greatly enjoyed them both. What book are you reading now or what have you read recently that you would recommend?

Also, you should have a book signing stop in the Bay Area. It's far away, but I'd buy you a beer if you did.

"Devil and Sherlock Holmes" by David Grann. It's awesome.

what happened on the Jim Rome show?

I don't know. What DID happen? Was I supposed to be on it? Did I fuck up?

Drew, at what point did you really commit to your style of writing? Has it been something where editors were trying to change it and you just held your ground?

Love reading your stuff, so don't ever stop ever or I'll hurt your dog.

I've been very lucky in that no one, not even GQ, has ever really asked me to change much. What edits I do get from Craggs and GQ are almost always correct. I don't send it back with STET EVERYTHING.

Hi Drew. I once asked you on twitter if you'd like me to bring you Krispy Kremes to your DC Postmortal book reading, and you said yes. I showed up with an unopened dozen, and when I gave them to you I think you thought I was crazy and trying to poison you.

My question: did you eat them because you're a fatass?

PS: You signed my book "HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN' MARK?"

I ate the shit out of them. My mom ate one, too. We didn't hesitate for a second.

Hey Drew, who were your favorite/least favorite NESCAC schools to play against when you were a Mule? I'm pretty firm on most athletes from Amherst/Williams being massive asshats. Go Panthers.

Bowdoin and Bates were our rivals in a three-way rivalry called the CBB, which is awkward. Never have a three-way rivalry. But in general, I think most of the players HATED Williams. Williams kids were all fuckers, and they always beat us. Kids at the other schools were a lot more normal. I liked playing Bowdoin and Amherst and Trinity because I knew lots of people who went there. So you'd see them in the handshake line and be like BRIAN! HOLY SHIT, IT'S YOU! That was always more fun than riding the pine during the game.

What have you told your kids about your career?

My oldest kid keeps asking if I;m famous, and I have to be like FAMOUS PEOPLE END UP DEAD OR IN REHAB. LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS, GIRL. But she keep pressing it.

Do you really dislike Bill Simmons or is it all part of the joke? It's weird, because you and Simmons are my favorite writers, so you two not getting along is unacceptable.

I'm sure he's an okay guy in person. But when you write this...

"Isn't it weird that Season 6 of Mad Menlaunches four days before Tiger's latest chance to fully regain his professional mojo at Augusta? Keep an eye on this..."

I'm gonna hate you. I have no choice. Name the last time that guy willingly made himself look bad in something he wrote. And making some fucking NFL pick doesn't count.

What writers do you admire/aspire to emulate in some ways?

I like great nonfiction guys like David Grann and Hampton Sides. No bullshit, just awesome detail after awesome detail. I don't read a lot of novels because you can usually see the fucker writing it trying to will himself a Pulitzer. Just tell the story and get on with it.

What are the odds that Kate Middleton and Prince William name their kid Brayden or Kyler? Or is giving your kid a dumb name strictly an American phenomenon?

They're gonna get a name forced on them by the Queen. That's how the royal family works. Your life isn't your own. I bet it sucks.

On average, how many new ideas for novels do you get per week from Funbag questions?

Have you ever not posted a Funbug question because it proposed something so awesome that you wanted to steal it and write a book?

I had one idea for a book that someone else also came up with for a Funbag. So now i'm freaked out that the next novel I do will result in a Funbag reader being like THAT WAS MINE! But I swear I think of my own shit.