I am Ken Hoinsky. I've been accused of promoting rape & sexual assault with my controversial new book, Above The Game. Ask Me Anything.

Hi, I'm Mistress Magpie, in Plymouth.

I'm a professional BDSM Mistress and a member of the BDSM scene for ten years. Not having read your book yet, I like your reaction to this debacle, and I applaud and support your efforts to listen to women's rights experts.

A few questions:

1) I work closely with issues of consent on a daily basis, coming from a feminist and egalitarian philosophical and political viewpoint. Our community, although it has its own struggles around consent, has a wealth of experience in setting up situations where the kind of behaviour you're encouraging in guys is totally OK and welcome. Will you be talking to any BDSM experts - for example, Mollena Williams - for your rewrite?

2) I notice you're using women's rights instead of feminist as a descriptor for the groups you're contacting. Is there a way that interested voices can get involved in the process?

3) How do you feel about the gender politics of the seduction community in general?

4) Can seduction/pickup help submissive men find partners?

Hey, thanks for reaching it! Can you email me at TheRealTofuTofu@gmail.com ? I don't know a lot of BDSM thinkers but I would absolutely love to have those discussions.

notice you're using women's rights instead of feminist as a descriptor for the groups you're contacting. Is there a way that interested voices can get involved in the process?

"Feminist" can be a loaded word, so I'm trying to avoid it. I may have developed a slight complex over choosing my words carefully in light of recent news. I'll get over it soon! Haha.

But to answer your question, YES! Please email me at TheRealTofuTofu@gmail.com if you would like to share your opinions as I craft this book. I am open to having the hard, adult conversations we need to have.

3: I think, after years of fights and squabbles, the men tend to stay on their side, far away from the feminist blogosphere. It takes something like this for the two sides to clash. So the gender politics are typically "Nothing good will come from it, so don't even acknowledge them." But fuck it, I'm opening the lines of communication for good.

4: Of course! A huge part of my book and what I teach is spending time getting to know one's own values so they know what to look for in a partner. It absolutely applies to submissive men!

So were you promoting rape and assault?

Thank you for the question.

My intentions most certainly were not to do so, but in retrospect, some of the wording could easily be misinterpreted and be harmful.

It has been an eye-opening experience and which is why I am working so hard to gain the input of as many people as possible. I believe my message of teaching men to take action to improve their lives is a good one. I am committed to writing a book taking all these factors into account.

Is there any section/sentence/paragraph/topic in particular that simply struck you over the head as needing the most work in rewording? The kind that made you say "how'd I miss that?"

I'm glad you have taken a step towards openly accepting constructive criticism on the book. It's refreshing to see someone who is open about not being a master at words.

Great question. This is from an upcoming blog post:

I chose my words poorly. I wanted to address a few of the worst offenders head on.

"Force her to rebuff your advances"

My intended meaning: Respectfully take action. Make the first move so she has the power to make a decision on your candidacy. If you never make a move, you don't fully allow her the chance to make a decision on whether she might consider a romantic relationship with you.

How it was read: Force her to do something against her will.

---

"Grab her hand and put it on your cock."

My intended meaning: When consent has already been enthusiastically given, and two people are naked and fooling around, the man shouldn't explicitly verbally ask permission, "Will you touch my penis now?"

How it was read: Grab women's hands and put it on your penis, regardless of if you have consent.

---

"Don't ask permission."

My intended meaning: You don't need to vocally ask permission every time you want to make a move. If you are hot and heavy making out, you can move your hand up to her waist without asking, "Do I have your permission to put my hand on your waist?"

How it was read: You don't need permission to touch women. Grope away.

---

You get the idea. I take the blame here 100%. I wrote things that could easily be misconstrued and they were. This is harmful. It won't happen again.

My intended meaning: You don't need to vocally ask permission every time you want to make a move. If you are hot and heavy making out, you can move your hand up to her waist without asking, "Do I have your permission to put my hand on your waist?"

How it was read: You don't need permission to touch women. Grope away.

See, you say that, but then you also say things like:

All that matters is that you continue to try to escalate physically until she makes it genuinely clear that it's not happening. She wants to be desired, but the circumstances need to be right. With some experience, you will learn to differentiate the "No, we can't... my parents are in the next room... OMG FUCK ME FUCK ME HARD" from the "SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, YOU CREEP" variety of resistance.

So really what you're saying is that you need to force a woman not only to say no, but force her to say no in a very clear way, since to you, "no" should sometimes be interpreted as "yes". Not only do you not need to vocally ask permission, but you should ignore light complaints or requests.

No, I am saying those are the problematic parts of the book that need to be rewritten. I'm not sure what more you want from me.

You've acknowledged that you worded parts of your project in a way that could be taken to be giving advice on how to assault women. What do you think it says about our culture that despite this, you received $16k worth of funding? Do you think that your backers didn't see the harmful parts, or that they did not care?

Most of the backers were people who had been following my entire body of work here on reddit for years, so they understood all of the greater context.

What is the greater context?

That getting better with women means become a better, all-around human being. Check out Part 9 on being a value giver. That's the type of advice I had been doling out for years, not "grab her hand and put it on your cock."

Truthfully I only wrote a chapter on sex because I had to include one in an end-to-end guide on getting better with women. I hardly ever even talk about such topics.

Those who followed me on seddit understood that. Those who read a couple of quotes on Jezebel did not. I'm not blaming them for it, but it is what it is.

[NSFW] "Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick."

I'm curious: has this technique actually worked with women? It sounds awfully unappealing to me.

The advice was intended to be read well after enthusiastic consent had been established and the man and woman were hot and heavy, naked and sweating... It's literally saying, "Guy, you don't need to vocalize the words in that moment 'Now that I have been kissing you and fingering you for 10 minutes, do I have your consent for you to touch my penis? Pretty please?'"

Unfortunately that intent was very, very unclear in my original reading which is regrettable and I apologize for it.

And yes, that technique works well.

With all the supporters still out there and kickstarted shutting you out what happens to all the donations you revieved to get your book written? Have you already received the money to finish your book or has kickstarted held the money in limbo?

Most of the money made it to my bank account before Kickstarter pulled the project. As such, I will be following through on all the campaign promises.

On a related note, I am really annoyed at Kickstarter. This was in an email I sent to the backers this morning:

"Why are you emailing me directly and not through Kickstarter?"

I'm not going to mince words here... Kickstarter fucked you over. You are their loyal customers and they charged your credit cards and then locked both you and I out of this project. It took me begging their customer support for manual records of all your email addresses just to be able to even write this email! That was a major factor in why I am emailing you on a Tuesday when the project ended last week. Likewise, I will have to send manual surveys and keep everything organized in spreadsheets. What I am saying is, EXPECT DELAYS. This wasn't how it was supposed to go down. And frankly, you should be pissed off at Kickstarter for taking your money and then treating you like a second-class citizen.

I encourage each and every one of you to voice your opinion to Kickstarter on this issue. Complain, ask hard questions, or even demand a refund. This is no way to treat you, a paying customer.

Aren't you afraid that your choice to list every backer on the book could turn it into a "rape promoters' blacklist"? If I were a backer, I'd be quite panicked about that by now. How are you dealing with that?

Not Tofu here, but the good thing is since the kickstarter was removed, the list is not public.

the list was saved and publicized by bloggers, and backers have been harassed as sexual assault supporters.

And the irony there is unreal... Protesting a project because it "supports assault & harassment" by harassing strangers? Try and wrap your mind around that.

Great question. I've been proactively messaging organizations that have been using phrases like "732 sexual assault supporters" and advising them to change their language to demonize me and me alone. I don't want them dragged into this.

I didn't know anything about you or your book until doing some research after I saw your AMA.

I'm in no way advocating sexual assault or sexual harassment, but from some of the 'risqué' quotes I did see, an open-minded person can interpret them as a sociological realism. I'm sure you of all people understand this; but my main question is: In this day and age, where sexual prevention is so hyped (mostly for good reason), did you realize the risk of the wording you chose in regard to the critical acclaim your received?

Or did you assume that your writing would be more underground, and sneak by the mainstream's eye?

GREAT question and observations.

Or did you assume that your writing would be more underground, and sneak by the mainstream's eye?

It was definitely that. I was trying to raise $2000 for my tiny book project as a gift to the men over at /r/seduction. This has spiraled to a level I absolutely never expected.

Do you feel like you opened a can of worms? I understand that you were trying to help men with dating.

The old saying "any press is good press" doesn't always hold true. It seems you have received more negative publicity than positive. If you could start over would you do anything differently?

Great questions. Thank you.

I'm not one to dwell upon things that have already happened or are out of my control. That being said, I was naive in not expecting such a strong reaction. I wish I had been more proactive in outlining my intentions and been clearer with my language in parts.

What I've learned with this whole exercise is that, as a writer, your intentions are irrelevant. Perception is reality and if people misinterpret something you wrote to be rape advice, it might as well be rape advice.

It's all wonderful feedback that I am using to edit Above The Game into a very solid final product. We will all be better off for it.

In addition to that, it opens up the chance to have a discussion about the intersection of male dating advice & rape culture. It's a discussion that needs a LOT more attention, and clearly people care about it or this story would have never gotten so big in the first place. So I see this as a blessing. If my name has to be martyred for this cause, then so be it.

So you don't regret going to Jezebel? I feel like Jezebel set the tone for the whole backlash (since it was heavily quoted and started the hate trend). If you could do it over, would you go to a source with less of a 'radical' user-base for exposure?

Hah, okay maybe I regret that one :)

I'd like to take a minute to thank you for facing this head on and trying to use it as a constructive learning experience for all involved. That's mature and I respect it immensely.

What lead you to this conclusion? If I recall correctly, your initial response was to defend your guide as is. What caused you to rethink?

Great, great question.

Honestly, I know the frustration of trying to say something good only to have the vast majority of the feedback be ignorant, hate-filled, vitriole. (In other words, these last few days.)

It would be extremely hypocritical of me to just write off everything the other side is saying as sensationalist nonsense. Sure, 90% of the messages I get are "Die in a fire you rapist pig." But within that 10% there are some valid points. I'm making it my goal to seek out those valid points so no one can throw these meaningless retorts in my direction again.

In doing so, I want to remove some of the stigma surrounding man's dating advice. Or die trying.

I think some of the disconnect is that what you're calling dating advice does read as manipulation. It may not be intended that way, but hey, that's what good communication is for right?

Particularly in a sexual context, openness, honesty, and communication are key. I've been reading through some of the Q&A here and something I keep seeing come up is that you shouldn't have to say "please, pretty please put your hand on my penis" when you've been fooling around with the girl already. But here's the thing; consent can never be implied. It has to honestly be given. Enthusiastic consent doesn't mean formally ask before escalation, but it does mean getting verbal consent through asking questions like "do you like what I'm doing?"

I guess what I'm getting at is that there are totally sexy, mood elevating ways to get proactively get consent but unfortunately I generally only hear about it from a female perspective. I would LOVE to see a guide for men that explores the idea of enthusiastic consent thoroughly.

I would LOVE to see a guide for men that explores the idea of enthusiastic consent thoroughly.

Well you're in good luck, because I'm about to write it!

Fair enough but would you mind replying to the point about implied consent vs. actual consent?

I can't write something off the cuff and give that topic the justice it deserves. Keep an eye on http://abovethegame.info for more discussions on it.

Were you surprised at Kickstarter's reaction?

No, it was the right PR move. I am disappointed on the ban on all dating advice, though. Censoring the discussion isn't right and serves no one.

Do you think Kickstarter made the right decision in taking down the book?

By the way you have my full support. I hope the few who overreact to something they don't understand doesn't jeopardize and bias the opinions of those who can't form an opinion for themselves.

I think, from a PR standpoint, they probably had to do it. So I don't fault them for that.

That being said, I am EXTREMELY disappointed in their decision to never allow another dating advice book. That defeats the entire purpose. Censorship/silence is never a good response, especially if we're trying to move the whole body of knowledge forward. That is why I am here, building awareness and trying to start a greater dialogue on these issues.

Thank you for your support and the great question!

Why do you think people are targeting you, and not other members of community? More specifically, why do you think there was a bigger uproar against you than against Neil Strauss (aka Style) when he published The Game, or Mystery when he published The Mystery Method and even had a two season VH1 reality show about the very same topic?

Why do you think people are targeting you, and not other members of community?

Because this topic has been building to a head for a while now and I was the focus of the outrage. Also the early headlines were really sensationalist. One of the first to report on this was Jezebel.

Why are there so many downvotes for this AMA?

Because people are afraid of having a conversation about these issues. They would rather scream "Misogyny!!" and leave millions of frustrated men in the dark instead of offering help. It's a sad state of affairs.

Mate you've still got my full support and I'm sorry it's blown up in your face.

Thank you. I really appreciate your support.

Such bullshit. I like your writing and there have been FAR more provocative books written. Write on my friend.

Thanks for your support.

A serious conversation about pickup? Count me in!

I am a guy who really is curious about that whole love-thing. No, i am not lame, i like to party (hard), i am an open minded, friendly guy and always happy to meet new people. I had some one night stands in my life, but one hand and one finger are enough to count them. Adding to that i spent two times two years with two wonderful (and beautiful!) girls and a pretty long sex-based friendship. I never got the thrill of having a one night stand, most times the sex was meh and the morning was wierd. I really like that feeling to REALLY KNOW a person, in and outside the beds.

So i am wondering: Whats the "kick" for you, that makes you, instead of doing sports, reading a good book, watching a good movie, head to the streets to pick up some girls? I mean, having sex is great, but a relationship works fine for that if you don't fail miserably. TLDR: Why one night stands / picking up girls before entering a serious relationship?

(I am assuming you end up having sex after you picked the girls up, amazingly like any other PU-guy i met so far you aren't like YAAAAAAAAAAAY i had sex ;))

You'll be surprised to hear that I don't have many one night stands. They aren't really that fun, plus usually I'd rather stay and party with friends then leave the bar earlier to go have some mediocre sex.

The kick for me is really about observing, studying, and teaching social dynamics. I'm a 100% social dynamics junkie and that is what keeps me going. Also paying it forward to guys whom I recognize as the me from ten years ago.

My biggest issue with all of this is that I'm pretty sure you ripped off the D.E.N.N.I.S system.

Hahaha. Upvote for you!

What would you say that you've learned from this huge publicity fiasco? What was your reaction when Kickstarter publicly apologized for funding your project and decided to "make up for it" by donating $25k to RAINN? Will you be making any similar donations?

E: Has this changed your perspective on the "seduction community," and if so, how? What about the responses that are "defending" your writing but are actually doing much more damage to your name in the long run, like this one?

I am learning how to write for a larger audience. It's fun and exciting, and a little bit scary, but I'm loving the challenge!

I can't see this ending well.

EDIT: It didn't end well.

Trying to stay optimistic :)

If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all. ~Noam Chomsky

Amen to that.

Interesting how in the listed publications, he's listing only the ones that view him more favorably (CNN / Awl). How about these?

http://caseymalone.com/post/53339539674/this-is-not-fucking-harmless http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/above-the-game-kickstarter-tofutofu_n_3466538.html

Thanks, I'll add those to the top.

I think seeking input from women's rights experts is a very interesting direction to go, but I have serious doubts that they will be of any use.

If you discover that these people don't just offer to "tweak" the wording here and there, and instead try to water down the entire text to the point of uselessness, I urge you to kick them to the curb. I would also urge you to tell us about your experiences working with them, whether positive or negative.

So I guess my question is, do you really think you'll be able to get the feminist stamp of approval while maintaining the integrity of real advice for men in the real world?

Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

I do think it's going to be difficult, but it's an issue that has been building to a head for a while. I believe I am the person to get this debate in the minds of society.

Men turn to seduction material because they don't know where else to turn. Censoring and not allowing an open dialogue does not solve this problem. In fact, it's probably contributing to the number of bitter, frustrated, angry men who end up becoming true misogynists.

In that light, not allowing the debate is 100% anti-feminist. Wrap your mind around that.

No question, but you might want to put a disclaimer in the book (which you're probably already going to do) about this whole thing. It's a pity that it came to this (so unexpected!), but I guess it can't be helped.

Sorry that you're getting all the flak for this. Keep up the hard work; I'm looking forward to getting my copy of the book.

Thanks for your feedback! I hope you like the book.

Backer here. I've been following you on reddit for well over a year and a half and your posts helped me get out of a tough spot in my life. I'm still below average with women, but I at least have self respect, hobbies, passions, friends, and a few close female friends now.

So my question is, how do you deal with your actions and beliefs being villanized? example

A lot of my life is based on the first few parts of Above the Game. It's been hard for me the past few weeks because I feel like a lot of these accusations are directed at me.

First off, let me the brunt of the criticism. It's not a reflection on you, dude.

I think it's important to know when to apologize, when to justify, and when not to even response. I'm getting better at that every day :)

In your case, just ignore the haters. I'll deal with them.

Hi Ken

I asked you this elsewhere but I've just seen that you are doing an AMA and it seems more appropriate here. Do you fear the backlash you will get from your fans, particularly those in more, uh, extreme areas of the seduction spectrum, especially those which are explicitly anti-feminist? Or is that simply not a big concern?

Great question. I think the good will I've built up over the years will garner me a lot of patience and leeway. Also the final product will speak for itself. If YOU have been following me, you know the vast majority of my advice isn't "rapey" so it's not like I will be changing the tone of every word in the book.

I really do appreciate your support, though!

A person designing their behavior based on a book is insincere. I think most people who know themselves will see that and be grossed out by it. Sincererity is a huge turn-on, I'd be willing to wager, not acting like a toddler trying to trick mom into buying you captain crunch.

Man, if only I included a chapter on Being Sincere and Authentic right at the start of the book... Oh wait, I did.

Do you see what I mean about being judged by people who haven't even read the guide in its entirety?

Hey Tofu,

Just want to say I love your guides and I hope you have the strength to keep going.

You're awesome.

I'm glad you have taken value from reading them! And thanks for the words of support. I need more of those these days :)

What about those backers that do want their name in the book anyway?

Not sure about that yet, but it's nice to know I have supporters out there! Thanks, man.

Two questions:

First, which of the bigger news outlets and blogs contacted you for comment before publishing the accusation that you were writing a rape guide?

Second, how do you get laid with a name like Hoinsky?

which of the bigger news outlets and blogs contacted you for comment before publishing the accusation that you were writing a rape guide?

CNN, not HuffPo... NY Daily News annoyed me a lot. They sent a request for comment, I sent it back to them at 9AM EST. They ran the story anyway saying "Request for comment was not returned immediately." 3.5 hours later I emailed them asking what was going on and they finally agreed to post my statement.

Second, how do you get laid with a name like Hoinsky?

It's a good Polish name :)

My left hand is feeling a little lonely and horny. Can I wrap my hand around your cock for warmth? Also where can I purchase a fedora hat similar to the one you wore at an anime convention?

That was a bowler cap.

You may not be able to answer these, but here goes.

1. Why do you think there is such opposition to "seduction" guides - even the word seems to have a negative stigma towards it. One common charge is that it's "manipulation". Being perfectly honest, do you believe that is accurate? I don't believe manipulation is inherently negative, doctors manipulate patients to get them to do things that are better for their health, for example, and you could make an argument that all social interaction has some level of manipulation involved (we are rarely 100% honest), but I'm curious as to your opinion.

2. Why do you think the "mainstream" culture tends to believe the best dating advice is to "be yourself", even if being yourself has led you to a lonely and unfulfilling love life?

3. Rhetoric against "pick up" tends to be along the lines that it's helping nerdy, socially awkward guys get a little better with women, but they are still viewed as "losers". In your experience, is a full transformation from a nerdy, unattractive, unlucky in love man to a Casanova who dates and sleeps with beautiful and charming women very likely, or do guys just go from awful to mediocre, so to speak? Are pick up artists snake oil salesmen, basically?

4. From reading the responses towards your book, the prevailing opinion seems to be that it is never okay to place your hands on a woman anywhere without her [edit: explicit, verbal] consent, or you are assaulting her. However, in my experience and observation, in real life dating interactions this occurs all the time. Why is there a gap between what is said is acceptable, and what actually happens in real life dating and how come people don't see this disconnect?

Great questions

1: It is RIDICULOUS that in the 21st century men are still ashamed to talk about having to seek out external help to improve their relationship skills with women. I know grown men in their 30s who have a wife and kids and they will NEVER admit to them that The Game helped them develop the confidence that caused him to end up meeting his wife.

The stigma comes from a lot of the earlier, more manipulative stuff (hypnosis, negs). I'm trying to use this opportunity to remove some of that stigma.

2: Because they don't know any better. It's meaningless advice to millions of people.

3: Most guys just want to get a girlfriend. They have no aspirations to becoming Casanova. It's just "BANG HOT TENS TONIGHT!!" converts more customers than "GRADUALLY TAKE SMALL STEPS TO GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE AND WITH TIME YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND WHO LOVES YOU FOR YOU."

4: That is a great question and one I plan to explore more. I don't have a good answer for it right now.

Do you think that people would remove aspects of context (I.e. when people claim that normal sexual advances are "abusive") from other advice books the way they've done yours, or does it seem like a thing specifically aimed at more "touchy" subjects? (No pun intended)

Yes, they went right to the chapter on "sex" and ignored all the sections on being a good person, learning how to cherish and respect women, etc. I am absolutely being judged not on the whole body of my work but on a few passages out of context.

That being said, I think I am such a target because these topics have been building to a head for a while. I am trying to use this opportunity to move forward.

Does the root of the backlash come down to semantics and equal rights leaders are helping rephrase the words for better interpretation?

Or are those opposed to Above the Game simply too partisan to even see what the guide is all about?

This is precisely why I am seeking their support and endorsement. A guide written with both perspectives in mind is suddenly mainstream acceptable. Then maybe it opens the door for more productive conversations surrounding men's self-help & women's rights. It's a win/win in the end. (Unless it turns out they just want to complain and rant and don't actually want to effect change after all.)

Hi Ken -

This is off the topic of the controversy surrounding the book, but my question is: do you think your book can help men who are having trouble connecting with women due to issues like asperger's/autism? Or is it aimed at those who are simply struggling with fear and societal pressures/expectations?

There are certain ends of the spectrum that the book is not appropriate for. I say this a lot on seddit, but nothing can replace the work of a specially trained doctor or therapist. So my advice would be to speak to someone medically qualified about using the book before they do.

This whole situation pisses me off.

Context matters. I've used the same dick in hand move on a girl. Did I verbally ask her permission first? "Will you let me place your hand on my penis?" No. Did she cry rape? No.

Sorry to hurt your feelings feminists. She LOVED it. EDIT: She even told me that THAT very move was what REALLY made her kick it into top gear. Great night. And we had sex 2-3 more times after over the following week or so before we went separate ways.

What was already established was that we were already under covers in her bed, half naked, making out hard. That's the context folks, that the feminists CLEARLY OVERLOOKED. There was a whole lot that went on before the dick in hand move that they just conveniently ignored. But I bet if this was in a 50 shades romance novel or some Magic Mike movie, they would be eating it up!!!!!!

What Tofu did wrong: He didn't carefully write his post to show readers the full context leading up to it. But it's NOT rape or assault.

What the butthurt feminists did WAY wrong: They had 3 options on how to respond to this.

One: do nothing and just ignore it. Surprise, I am NOT condoning this approach.

Two: their actual response. "OMG OMG OMG RAPE RAPE RAPE. He wants to abuse women, rape them, and teach others how to do it". Really mature.

Three: when they read it, I can understand taking it out of context (Tofu's not so good writing), but first reach out to the author to get his side and clear up any confusion. Basically throw a red flag, and start asking questions first. Assume good intent, and get both sides to the story.

Obviously, the third option would have been the mature way to go. But no, running a man's name in the ground accusing him of rape is just too fun for witch hunters.

tl;dr that blogger Casey Malone is a brain dead fucktard.

Edit: Sorry for hijacking Tofu. Since this is an AMA and I need to ask a question....

How is your day today?

NOTE: My harsh opinion is mine and mine alone. I do not speak for Ken/Tofu. Just myself (and probably a lot of people out there).

Haha thanks for your feedback. I'm having a nice day, holed up in a Starbucks answering questions!

Hey Ken, I met this woman on Saturday (a friend of a friend) and she was hot and heavy into me, pornographic making out in Venice CA. She was grinding against me saying "i want it inside me" etc etc.

She was also very drunk.

As happens with very drunk women, her friends eventually got her home.

She's not getting back to me which I know means she's not interested. But I can't stop thinking about her, we actually had a lot in common and if there was less alcohol we might have hit it off and not been so intense so I could actually see her again.

How do I stop thinking about this woman who isn't returning contact and therefore isn't interested?

Go meet some new women. Text her in a couple weeks (or hopefully you'll forget all about that by then).