Aisha Tyler

This is going to sound simplistic but I really believe this. I'm serious.

EVERYBODY FEELS LIKE A COMPLETE FUCK UP AT SOME POINT.

We all feel like frauds most of the time. Someone who goes around thinking they're awesome all the time is an asshole and their last name is probably Trump.

Just get up tomorrow and take a mulligan. The past is the past. You're a new you today, with new goals and a new approach and you are going to start kicking ass starting now. Blow it? Start over. And keep starting over, every day, until you feel like you're making some headway. I wrote an entire book, Self-Inflicted Wounds, about all the ways in which I have fucked up. Seriously. A book. And it wasn't even a comprehensive accounting.

I'm kickstarting my first feature right now. 10-plus years ago, I directed my first short. It was TERRIBLE. It will never see the light of day. Did I give up? No. I just kept making stuff and making stuff until I got better. The next six shorts were better. And now I'm about to make a movie.

Quentin Tarantino will admit that his first efforts were complete crap. Now he's one of the greatest directors of all time.

Success is not the absence of failure. Success is persistence through failure.

Get out there.

Right after you have some cheetos or whatever. Cheetos are delicious.

Hey Erik! Well, I love my fans so I just try to be open and kind. I know how much I jibber and melt when I meet people I admire (I almost fainted meeting Doug Liman and I think he has a restraining order against me now) so I try to be chill. Most awkward has been the guy who takes your hand and won't release it for many sweaty minutes until you have to pry your cold, deadening fingers from his grip. And then you feel like an asshole because you dashed the guy with the kung-fu grip's dreams.

I just spend my time trying not to be an asshole.

so much that it turns into white noise, after which I hear birds tweeting and the soft murmurings of my mother's voice.

and then I black out.

Colin Mochrie's head IS THE FUTURE

WHAT?!?!?!?

NORMAL FUCKING SIZE AND PROPORTIONAL TO MY BODY GODDAMMIT!!!

sorry. They're really quite delicate and feminine. But occasionally they take over and start typing in furious all caps.

Oh lord. I love them both. H Jon is the sly yet remote lover, and Chris is the insanely well-hung neighbor that makes you lose your job because you have been having sex nonstop for four days and have forgotten your name, where you live, and what your pets names are. Also your pets are dead because you forgot to feed them.

The next time you get out of your car, I hope the world spins down to slow motion and white doves fly out behind you. That is how I see you in my mind.

I love Bob's Burgers and if they call me I will come.

Haha that sounded dirty.

Because I intended it to.

Swallow.

Nothing but bitches and money. Bitches and money.