Darcimay

What was the most touching act of human kindness you witnessed and have remembered all these years later?

You probably won't see this but I have a tip for panic attacks/PTSD. I suffer from PTSD and I've been through a lot of therapy. One of the things that helps lessen/stop panic attacks is holding ice in my hand. It's enough stimulus to shock your system a bit, but you aren't hurting yourself. Have a loved one remind you or bring you some when you're having an attack or you feel one coming on.

Hi. So I don't know if you will see this or not, but I wanted to share my story. When I was 15 or 16 I suddenly started throwing up. I threw up everything, food, water, even pills. The thing is I was never nauseous. And the vomiting was never forceful, it was more like I was a water fountain and things would just come up and out. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, did so many tests. I eventually got to the point that I'm losing a lot of weight very rapidly and had no energy. So I was hospitalized and they stuck a feeding tube in my nose, down my throat, into my stomach. Let me tell you having one of those things put in you is pure hell. The didn't give any drugs or numbing sprays before hand. Then you have to figure out how to breathe with this tube in you throat and nose (it was not a small tube). In fact I really couldn't breathe so they took it out and wanted to put a smaller one in. I was begging them not to but I didn't have control over the decision. About 6 hrs after they put it in and started feeding me I sat up because I was overcome by nausea and I started sweating a ton. I informed my family and the nurse in the room I was going to throw up. Nobody believed me, they said get back in bed. I knew it was going to happen so I used all of my strength to get out of bed and grab a vomit bucket. And right when I pulled it near me I vomited incredibly forcefully. How forcefully you ask? With enough force to vomit up the tube that had a weight on the bottom to keep it in my stomach. The nurse was so shocked about what had just happened she just stared at me with her mouth agape looking at the tube that was going in my nose and out of my mouth. She recovered after a few seconds and helped me. She went and told the doctor who came into my room with the nurse. The both said they had never seen anyone throw up a weighted feeding tube before nor had they heard of it ever happening. Their response? We're going to put another one in you now. I was like FUCK NO, I said they would have to physically fight me and knock me unconscious to do so and the minute I wake up I'm pulling that son of a bitch right back out. So they finally agreed to put a pic line in my arm. That's a story for another time.

Anyway I missed like 3 months of school and for more than a month I was not allowed to eat or drink anything. My first meal after that was 1 Wendy's chicken nugget. It was like an orgasm for my mouth. Nothing will ever compare to that first meal after so long without eating anything. Oh and they ended up diagnosing me with adolescent rumination syndrome.

This is getting long but I feel like I need to be free from the enormous weight that I'm carrying around. About a month after I was allowed to eat again I figured out that I could control when I vomit. It wasn't a thing 12 years ago but I suffered from binge eating disorder since I was 11. I've also suffered from body dysmorphic disorder for a very long time. So when I figured out I could throw up without sticking my fingers or anything else down my throat, I started throwing up almost everything. Basically I had the ability to use my stomach muscles to throw up. Parents found out after awhile, were disappointed in me, and I was sent to an intensive outpatient program for a couple of months. I stopped throwing up for about 6 months after that. And then I started again :(. So for about 7 years I have been lying to my parents about my bulimia. The binge eating is really the worst part. I hope to get help once I finish grad school (I graduate this month). But I don't know how to find a psychologist for binge eating and some purging. I feel very hopeless...

Anyway, how do you deal with missing school? I had a tutor but they were shit so I basically taught myself

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my wall of text and leave a comment. I think you're idea of reaching out to people online would be a good tool for me. Confiding in a friend would be better but sadly I do not have many at the moment and the one close friend I do have has his own problems (very high functioning autism, depression, and opiate substance use disorder) that make it hard for him to relate to others.

I just want you to know your comment meant a lot to me. It gives me a glimmer of hope that I can get better and that people do care.