motorcityvicki

Alright, listen up. I went through what your wife is going through and came out on the other side with a shiny fucking divorce, which was something I NEVER envisioned for my life. But my husband couldn't deal, and his negative thinking, like your negative thinking, contributed to a negative feedback loop for both of us that doomed the marriage.

Let me tell you what I wish I could have told him then: This shit has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing. And you're only making it worse by making it about you ("Does she even like me?" "Why won't she even fool around with me if she's attracted to me?"). Yes, you're affected, and trust me, the burden of that does not go unacknowledged. But the core of the issue has to do with your wife's body and NOTHING else.

The biggest thing that held me back was fear. Fear that it would never work, fear that I could never satisfy him, fear that he would leave me because my sex organs didn't perform properly. Fear that any further attempts would fail, as always. I felt broken. Defective. Like I wasn't worthy of being his wife because I couldn't sexually fulfill him. It crushed my spirit, my ego, my self-worth. I could feel the resentment from him. He wouldn't even speak to me most days. When I asked why we never did anything together, he basically replied "Why bother?"

I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself because I was so ashamed and felt so hopeless. I felt worthless as a woman. You can't heal, you can't move forward and work on this kind of issue when there's negativity and resentment surrounding everything. If he could have supported me, REALLY and truly put his ego out of the equation and helped me through it, it would have changed everything. If we could have put our individual and compound negativity aside and taken joy in the things we COULD do rather than feeding the misery of what we couldn't do, it would have changed everything.

Want to know how I know? I got remarried and we had an AMAZING sex life. I actually had vaginal orgasms. I NEVER thought that would happen and I wept the first time like I'd witnessed a miracle. That's what patience and unconditional love and focusing on the positive brings. It brings healing.

Resentment is a death sentence. Unconditional love and commitment to positive thinking brings healing.

Right now, you have two choices:

1) Commit to her, to the marriage, and to getting over your resentment. This has NOTHING THE FUCK TO DO WITH YOU. It is imperative that you get this in your head. You are not the problem. You are not the problem. You are not the goddamned problem so stop thinking she doesn't like you or she's faking it or that she's exaggerating to get out of sex. The only thing she's avoiding is pain and the hopeless feeling of crushing failure. If you want it to work, make yourself end this negative thinking. Support your wife, love her UNCONDITIONALLY, be affectionate, and create in your marriage a safe place for her to heal from this ailment.

2) If you can't do that, end it NOW. There's absolutely no point in continuing forward if you can't let go of the resentment, the self-centered thinking, the negativity, the hopelessness. If you continue on as you are now, nothing will change. So walk now and free both of you from the misery.

I cannot tell you how much of my ex-husband I see in the posts you've made, and I only wish I knew your wife so I could be there for her and let her know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Since I can't do that, the second best thing is telling you what I needed from my ex-husband so you can learn from our failings.

Edit: I want to clarify a thing or two here since the questions have come up repeatedly. My ex and I were friends before we were married and are friends now long after. We've made peace with how things went, acknowledged individual and mutual faults and failings. The biggest thing is that we agree we were both too immature at the time to deal with an issue so complex. Truly, OP, if you can break the cycle of negativity, you have a chance.

Best of luck in whatever you do.

That... is unbelievably heartbreaking. His psyche is really broken.

As someone who is divorced because the man I loved became someone I didn't know capable of doing things I never imagined (though nowhere near the severity of yours) I can commiserate. The hardest part is wondering where that good man with whom you fell in love went, how he disappeared from existence.

No question. Just lots of love and support.

God, that's the moment I remember more than anything. The first plane hit and we were like, "Oh man, that's AWFUL, those poor people. I wonder what happened, did the plane malfunction? Did the pilot have a heart attack on the controls?" And then the other plane hit.

I have never, ever, ever felt like that before. I don't even know what to call it. I hope never to feel it again.

Edit: Sobering. After reading all your replies I realized the word I am looking for is sobering.

You are my favorite. Thank you for being a good person.

Well, since no one's asked yet and I'm a nosy broad, pics? X-rays, scars, anything that "proves" the story? Not that I'm doubting you, understand. It's just the nature of the thing.