pandasaurusrex

Brita. Because it filters...haaa haa...

I don't know if this will help you, but hearing anecdotes can help?

I was in a very similar position about three years ago with my mother. She was emotionally abusive to everyone in her life, angry about her circumstances, and lashed out frequently at all of her kids. One week we'd be fine, and the next we'd get screaming phone calls about how we were awful human beings and she was ashamed that we were her children.

One day, I snapped. She was screaming at me (after 3 months of peaceful interaction) about what a terrible person I was. So I layed it out. She was mad about how I had acted in the past as a child, not about how I was acting as an adult. So I told her that I wanted to have a relationship with her as an adult, but that if she couldn't do that and wanted to be angry about things I said as an upset 13 year old, that I was done. I was tired of the push and pull of our relationship, so I gave her an ultimatum that if she brought up shit from the past, that I was done with her. It was either move forward with a clean slate, or end our interaction.

That began the best two years of our relationship, ever. We were able to do things together, talk, make plans, etc...

A year ago, she made the choice to never speak to anyone in the family again, and to cut all ties. Honestly, it was a relief. The past year has been the most calm, drama free year of my life. I'm no longer being manipulated, and neither are my siblings. Our relationships are the best they've been in years. I'm no longer being put down constantly about my achievements and goals. It's nice.

There are still people who give me the "but she's your mom" speech. When I go into the very long list of awful things that she's done, and how she chose to break ties with the family, that shuts them up. She is a mentally ill woman, a narcissist, and derives joy from manipulating those around her. Sometimes I feel bad about her situation and who she is as a person, but I am glad that she's gone. This last year has been the most stressful of my life, but I've been the happiest too. I can't help but wonder how her absence contributes to that.

So although our situations are different, they're similar. I'm no therapist, but here's my advice. Lay it out to her. Tell her that you don't want a relationship with her if she's going to treat you poorly. Give her a chance to have an adult relationship with you. If it doesn't work, move on. If she comes to you later to reconcile, be open to it provided that she's committed to treating you differently.

I tell people that if my mom came to me tomorrow, that I wouldn't respond. I'm not sure if I could do it, just because I know that she (like your mother) acts this way because of her mental condition. Would I ever welcome her into my home to stay? Oh hell no. Can I say that I would never want her as a part of my life again? No, but I'd have to approach the situation with extreme caution as I know how much she loves to hurt those who love her.

I'm sorry that you have to be in this situation as well, and wish you the best of luck!

I have a friend who just left a job working for a (big, big, big) pharmaceutical company where she approved the info received from clinical trials and the like. She hated it mostly because of how unethical both her company and her coworkers were. They almost never followed the FDA guidelines and procedures that they were required to follow, and she left saying that she was glad to go before the government realized what was going on and came in to shut shit down.

tl;dr big pharma scares me

OP responded elsewhere, but apparently he totally jizzes out of his taint. My mind is blown.

Yeah, don't marry this dude. Even if it doesn't become your immediate financial problem, think about the attitude leading to this. He just can't be bothered to deal with a massive loan he owes. How would that play out with your mortgage, car payment, cable bill, etc? It sounds like it could really suck at some point.