poncewattle

I believe he's said before that he hates Home Alone and talking about it. Kind of understandable if you think about it.

This is not a question, more of advice.

I (a male) dated a quad (female) for several years. She was C5 from a car accident before I met her. It was tough. I did my best to help her to forget her disability. We'd go to amusement parks and I'd carry her into the rides and strap her in, I had friends help me strap her onto the back of my motorcycle, etc, etc...

But it didn't work out. She burned me out. I became over time more of her personal nurse than her lover. I was suffering from sleep deprivation because every two hours I'd have to wake up and turn her in her bed so she wouldn't get bed sores. I'd go to bed an hour after I got her in bed (a routine that lasted about an hour) and her morning routine required me to get up half hour before her and spend two hours getting her ready.

I tried to mitigate "the work" but she wasn't helpful. For example, I asked her if we could just shower her every other day to save me an hour, and she freaked out on me. I wanted her to hire a nurse one night a week so I could sleep in my own apartment in my own bed, and she guilt-tripped me about needing time away from her.

Or the times I'd ask her if she could go grocery shopping without me so I could nap. Admittedly that was a lot harder for her (she had her own modified van) because she'd need to get staff at the store to help her and load up her van, but I desperately needed the sleep and she couldn't understand that a bit more hassle on her part would be very helpful to me.

The final straw was when she admitted to me that if she wasn't disabled she would have never hooked up with me (she was drop dead gorgeous before her accident and still gorgeous after it and I guess to her I was just "average.")

I finally had to walk away, which was quite a bit harder than saying "fuck it, I'm outta here." I had to figure out how she was going to get care (she lived alone before and after her accident). Government social services suck. Thanks to Easter Seals she got supplementary care on top of her minimal work-provided health insurance, then I split.

So my advice is, treasure those around you who love you and are willing to help and do everything you can to do what you can on your own so they don't have to do it for you -- even if they are willing. You have to basically make sure they don't burn out too.

(ps, yeah, I still feel horribly guilty about it, like I could have done more if I was stronger....)

Just some advice from someone who dated a C5 quad for years and was really in love with her. It became a living hell for me eventually. It may be because of my character or her actions or a combination of both. But I hope you learn from my mistakes. Of course everyone is different, so I'm not trying to cast you into a role -- but you both need infinite patience with each other and you'll be fine.

She was C5 from a car accident before I met her. It was tough. I did my best to help her to forget her disability. We'd go to amusement parks and I'd carry her into the rides and strap her in, I had friends help me strap her onto the back of my motorcycle, etc, etc...

But it didn't work out. She burned me out. I became over time more of her personal nurse than her lover. I was suffering from sleep deprivation because every two hours I'd have to wake up and turn her in her bed so she wouldn't get bed sores. I'd go to bed an hour after I got her in bed (a routine that lasted about an hour) and her morning routine required me to get up half hour before her and spend two hours getting her ready.

I tried to mitigate "the work" but she wasn't helpful. For example, I asked her if we could just shower her every other day to save me an hour, and she freaked out on me. I wanted her to hire a nurse one night a week so I could sleep in my own apartment in my own bed, and she guilt-tripped me about needing time away from her.

Or the times I'd ask her if she could go grocery shopping without me so I could nap. Admittedly that was a lot harder for her (she had her own modified van) because she'd need to get staff at the store to help her and load up her van, but I desperately needed the sleep and she couldn't understand that a bit more hassle on her part would be very helpful to me.

The final straw was when she admitted to me that if she wasn't disabled she would have never hooked up with me (she was drop dead gorgeous before her accident and still gorgeous after it and I guess to her I was just "average.")

I finally had to walk away, which was quite a bit harder than saying "fuck it, I'm outta here." I had to figure out how she was going to get care (she lived alone before and after her accident). Government social services suck. Thanks to Easter Seals she got supplementary care on top of her minimal work-provided health insurance, then I split.

So my advice is, treasure those around you who love you and are willing to help and do everything you can to do what you can on your own so they don't have to do it for you -- even if they are willing. You have to basically make sure they don't burn out too.

(ps, yeah, I still feel horribly guilty about it, like I could have done more if I was stronger....)

You appear to have an awesome attitude about it all, not blaming anyone, and just making the best of the hand fate dealt you. I think you'll be fine, an awesome mother, and a loving wife.

Thanks for the kind words. There are many many people providing primary care for a loved one all over the world. Whether it's a child, parent, spouse, or other loved one, it's not easy for them. I did what I could, but these people are heroes.

Best wishes to you. I know it's not easy. Stay strong!

Even if reincarnation was true, imagine if you had to live the lives of every person who has ever lived (if you're going to suspend disbelief for reincarnation, might as well do it for time as well). That experience would be nothing on the eternity scale...