Hello, yo, hi, I'm Chuck Palahniuk the worst best bad writr. Neither can I spell or keyboard. Ask away.

No question. Just sharing the picture I took of your ass at the last signing event of yours I went to. http://i.imgur.com/wO2KFeV.jpg

How sweet. I can never have enough pictures of my ass. 'Guess the Christmas card is settled for this year.

Chuck,

Have you ever gotten Stuck on a pool drain while masturbating? Asking for a friend.

I loved that you preficed that with my name. See, I can't spell. Prefficed? SEE Phonix has ruined me for life.

And no, I can't swim a stroke and live in mortal fear of swimming pools.

after reading Haunted im afraid of pools, or i should say im afraid of what may have been on that pool

While I read Guts I barked like a dog and vomited.

THAT sounds like a good time. I did the same thing when I read 'The Lovely Bones.' Marky Mark can play ANY role.

I played Guts on audiobook with my (then) gf on a road trip (with no previous knowledge of the story).

She started crying, and asked me how I could allow her to hear such a horrible thing. She was upset I didn't shelter her.

We broke up shortly after.

I would, sincerely, like to thank you.

She sounds fragile and high-maintenance. You most likely dodged a bullet. I used to force potential romances to watch "The Piano" or "Out of Africa" and if they enjoyed the movie I'd never contact them again.

According to Chucks Facebook this is a fraud.The real one will be up soon

https://www.facebook.com/chuckpalahniuk?hc_location=stream

EDIT: now his facebook is saying this is real,in true Palahniuk fashion. Bravo

EDIT: im so confused

Thank you for being vigilant, we really appreciate users who are on the lookout for fakes.

However, he has now tweeted out a direct link to this post and also posted it to his facebook page, so we're good to go.

Classic Palahniuk.

Or perhaps he spotted the fraud, and decided to just let this guy answer the questions for him. That would be classic Palahniuk.

Oh, that I were so smart. You've confused me with the ghost of David Foster Wallace. ( he typed sadly )

Classic Mr. F--k Up. That's me.

Sorry, that was my slip-up. I hit the wrong button and found myself far, far away. But the oxymoron thing-y I said was me, and I meant to post it here.

Sorry, I'm no fraud. Just an idiot. A monkey with a stick could type faster, and what looks like stylish, voicey, burnt tongue is actually just typos.

Chuck Palahniuk and Morgan Freeman are hanging out.

I saw that, last week. Morgan Freeman would never lie, and you're a big racist if you say otherwise. If not for him I'd know nothing about penguins.

But there WAS the homo subtext between him and Tim Robbins, no?

Actually he just posted this link.

He did. I'm like Jack Nickelson at the end of 'The Shining,' stumbling around inside that stupid hedge maze.

Hey Chuck,

When I was 12, I stole Fight Club from a Barnes & Noble. You instantly became my favorite author after that. Do you have a P.O. box I can send the $12 I still owe you from my klepto phase?

Honestly? I stole a huge copy of "The Joy of Sex" from a Waldenbooks in 1975 ( 1976? ). I put it in my pants, no kidding. And if you stole a paperback then you only owe me about 25 cents. Go to http://byl.nr/XPW2Mj and read 'Phoenix' and we'll be even. You'll go to Heaven and be with the angels.

Chuck,

What offends you? What makes you recoil and say "that's way too much"? How do you respond to people or things that offend you?

What offends me? Waste offends me, or great ideas that never get developed. I want to steal from every writer I meet who shares a brilliant idea that he or she will never complete.

I'm not fond of Haggis, either. Sorry Irvine.

Did Irvine Welsh offer you haggis?

That's MISTER Welsh to you. The guy is a god. Beth should thank her lucky stars.

[deleted]

Not to lose anybody his job... but some very stoned guys came from Stanley Steamer and taught me the blood-cleaning stuff. And this was ten years before Sunshine Cleaning. Althought I laughed out foamy hurl when Emily Blunt fell face-down on the gore-soaked mattress.

Hello? Testing, testing... thank you. My web connection is getting sketchy, and I can't seem to get beyond the first 1500 questions. My apologies for that. In the future I'll do this in town, where I'll have real service. Here, it's the woods. I'm very beholding to John at Byliner and Dennis at The Cult for walking me through this process. I am a Luddite, but their patience and help has made me a Reddit convert. Thank you -- even you Anne Marie in Las Vegas! Say hello to your look-alike aunt, Maureen. I must go drink something alcoholic and re-read Monica Drake's new novel, "The Stud Book." I look forward to disappointing you all at a future date. If I overlooked your question it's not your fault. It's me. I'm a dick. I'll Shut Up Now.

Hi, Mr Palahniuk, I don't really have a question, more of a 'thank you' than anything. Thank you for all the amazing words you've written and the stories you've created. I'm sure you hear a lot of this, but your books have changed my life. Everything you write feels like you're punching me in the gut with words, and I guess I'm a masochist because all I want is for you to punch me harder. I first read Fight Club when I was fourteen after my mother got sick of the depths of my teenage agnst and gave it to me, telling me that was where I was heading if I kept brooding the way I did. I have never felt more complimented in my life. From that moment on I've been obsessed. I've read all your books a bunch of times (and I think Rant is criminally underrated, no one ever gets my time travel/rabies jokes when I crack them), and I always find something new in them that I can take away and hold in me for the rest of my life. Invisible Monsters, in particular. No other book before or since has affected me quite as much as Invisible Monsters does. The way that you can turn the world into this horrifying place, but still make it funny and occasionally touching always managed to make me feel better no matter how bad things get. Your words always make me feel so much less alone. Your words made me work on becoming a better writer. You are grotesquely, hilariously, depressingly, nauseatingly good at what you do, and I look forward to seeing you do more of it for as long as you can.

So again, thank you. And now I have to run to work, thanks for making me late, dude.

See? This is why I hate doing this. You just broke my heart. You busted my heart and then just scooted off to work.

And to think that I broke a date with Daniel Tosh just to do this!

Also, I know you're probably not reading this any more, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to get chickens soon and all of their names are going to be Cluck Palahniuk.

I hate you.

Are you wearing fresh inner pants?

Fresh "inner" pants? At last, someone who speaks my language. And yes, I am. Why do you ask?

Recently you came out as being gay, do you think that this will affect the way people view your writing?

Recently? Like, when I was 13. But God forbid I get moved to that ghetto called the "Gay and Lesbian Shelf."

Even in short sentences you capture my heart

Witness my great keyboarding skills. It's like a chicken is in my kitchen right now. Only a chicken could probably spell better. And a chicken would know when to use 'that' versus 'which.'

Just wanted you to know that, in case that "gay dictatorship" the nutjobs are always going on about ever comes true, I say you should be our Supreme Ruler.

At this point, I'd take any job that offered health insurance and a retirement plan. Hello, colleges? Until I find gainful employment you may contribute roughly 25 cents to my well being by linking to Amazon -- here: http://byl.nr/XPW2Mj -- and reading the story Phoenix. ( did that sound whore-y? )

Chuck,

I work at a funeral home as an aspiring director and have no idea what to do with my hands. Do I clasp them in front of me? Do I put them behind me? How about in the pockets?

I feel that, because I have found myself in this funerial quandary, any opinion you provide will be satisfactory and appreciated.

Thank you.

Easy! Watch 'The Hunger' and study how the vampire, Marian, arranges her not-dead-yet lovers. That thing she does with David Bowie's hands... brilliant.

No thanks needed. Glad I could help. (please, cremate me)

Hello!

Two questions for you Mr. Palahniuk.

1. Rant was originally described as a scifi trilogy, any chance we’ll get a second book set in that universe / story arc?
2. With St. Helens Book shop now closed, will there be another method for us to get inscribed books from you?

Thank you for your time!

Argh! The Rant question comes back! I've written the second book, but I'm such a compulsive nut-job that I'm still looking for a non-fiction form to use as a structure. I know, I know, I'm stuck on structural gimicks, but experiments like that are important to me.

Thank you for asking abou Lori's store -- before that, LuAnne's store -- may they rest in peace. We're still casting around for a new method of inscribing books. Thank you for your patience!

Hi, Mr. Palahniuk,

I'm doing my senior year research paper on Invisible Monsters, and I was wondering if there was any perspective you could give me on any part of the book that most people don't think about or realize? It would be incredibly helpful.

Thank you for doing this.

Hello Mr. Pirate,

My original goal, back when I had integrity, was to write all my books with two-word oxymoron titles -- Fight Club, Invisible Monsters, etc. 'Survivor' was first called 'Unnatural Disasters.' But I loved how monsters are usually defined by their appearance, so how could one be invisible and still be regarded as a monster? Think on THAT.

How do you feel about Patrice O'Neal calling Fight Club "The white man's Scarface"?

Patricia O'Neal said that? I loved her in Hud, but I'm not sure what she meant. Sigh.

Mr. Palahniuk,

I was wondering, as a novelist with a goodly number of published works, do you find yourself, perhaps unknowingly, falling into certain conventions that you've used before? Stated more clearly, do you find that you've developed an aesthetic or system by which you tend to write your books? If so, do you welcome these tendencies or fight them? How do you keep things fresh?

Thanks

Yes, I hope he answers this one, too.

The rub is that if you change style people feel betrayed -- witness the huge schism between early and later fans of the Star Wars films and the Woody Allen films. That said, I flushed most of the past two years down the toilet, shedding my favorite tics and violating every writing rule taught to me by Tom Spanbauer. My style is becoming baroque, as is my spelling. I yearn now to be the dirty-minded Henry James. Stay tuned for "Beautiful You" the book that will put my master plan of "Gonzo Erotica" into effect.

No choruses. Lots of adverbs. Gordon Lish will put out a hit on me.

What are you drinking? Just curious.

Nothing, yet. But that does sound like a pick-up line. What are YOU drinking? (wink wink )

A few years ago my friend wrote a letter to you and in return you sent her a huge box of random stuff. Do you just send people things from laying around the house? I always wondered that. Thanks.

Random stuff! Sometimes I takes me days to compile a box. Usually -- and I'm getting more careful about this -- I look for clever, useful, beautifully packaged things. My theory is that if I vary them it's more likely at least one thing will occur as a delight for you.

( secret? I try to send smells, sounds, flavors, and i avoid sending more words. gosh i hate to type. )

I received a box from you while I was in high school. I wrote to you for a class project and was the only student to get a response to their letter. You also signed Fight Club for for, autographed a packet of sunflower seeds, candy, fireworks, and you handmade me a necklace. The letter you sent back was fantastic and very memorable. Thanks for doing that for some high school kid. It really made me happy.

Ha! I hope your classmates envied you. Nothing -- in high school -- would feel sweeter than that kind of victory. People tell me that when my strange, almost-anonymous boxes arrive they generate fear ( a bomb? ) followed by confusion and ultimately joy. The resolution of anxiety feels like joy. "Joy Bombs" would be a good name for the packages, but that just sounds stooooopid.

My english teacher claims the continuous theme throughout Fight Club is homosexuality/sexual tension between Tyler and Joe. Is this true?

This is what people ( gay people ) always say about Nick and Jay in 'The Great Gatsby.' Pleeze. It's so 1970's identity politics.

To settle this, please tell her or him that if he/she teaches my stuff he's/she's very brave ( remember Mr. V in the Bronx? ) so he may say whatever he or she likes.

I saw you speak when I was 17 in San Francisco. You took a swig out of a Jack Daniel's bottle at the end...my friend and I almost stole it. Shoulda woulda coulda.

Also, what if there was a Haunted movie where each story was done by a different director?

A secret truth? Those bottles on that tour... they were filled with Lipton's tea. I wanted a sight gag that would look cool.

Chuck, I just wanted to tell you that when I graduated I was voted most likely to become the next Chuck Palahniuk. Sadly, I have since lost sight of that goal. What advice would you have for me?

You should set your sights a little higher. Try to be the next Chelsea Cain. She should feel your hot breath on the back of her neck as she writes, knowing that you're gaining on her. ( hee hee )

At a signing you told me that if you knew that all that was going to turn into all this, that you would have hired a stand-in so they could do all the interviews and traveling and signing and what-nots. Were we making small talk or does that shit get old?

The shit never gets old. But I got old.

Hello Chuck! Thank you for all your incredible work!

My question: one of my rhetoric professors once told our class that we could always look to other authors for influence and guidance, but we would never be able to emulate their writing style, regardless of how hard we tried. Who is that author to you, and what is your favorite work of theirs?

Thank you!

To be brutally honest, I can do a mean drag version of Amy Hemple or Monica Drake, but my version will never have their depth and thoughtfulness.

Did you know your books are the most commonly stolen items in chapters, so they keep them behind the cashier's counter in a locked cabinet?

Yes, and for a long, long time Salman Rushdie's books were locked up with mine because people would stuff them in the toilets. True story.

You mentioned that you wrote most of Fight Club whilst listening to The Downward Spiral. Has Trent Reznor got in contact with you to let you know how fucking cool that is?

Mr. Reznor needs to keep a better grip on his address book. My worst ( okay, one of my worst ) stalker got my contact info from Trent's book and ( not lying, wish i were ) it was a long-term mess.

First I have to say you're my favorite modern author and maybe even of all time, but I do have a few things to ask.

1. How do you approach writing? Do you plot the whole thing out first or just start writing? Do you do it in chronological order or some other way?

2. How happy are you with your work? Are you an author who feels they just can't perfect their book or do you reach a point where it feels done and there's nothing more you can do?

3. Any suggestions for someone interested in writing?

4. Do you ever feel limited by fight club? I mean this in that every book I own of yours has the words fight club on the cover. Do you want to be known for another book besides fight club?

5. Do you ever regret writing fight club? I ask this because it's definitely become a very popular piece of work, but is commonly misunderstood. Anthony Burgess I know really regretted writing a clockwork orange because many misinterpreted it as encouraging violence when really it was about growing up and actually discouraged it.

Sorry if this is a lot of questions. I'll be happy just reading the AMA and won't mind if you answer none or just a few.

Hey, you wear me out! Are expecting college credit for this? Let's start with Question #2. There's an old saying: "No piece of writing is ever finished, it's just abandoned." But my own rule is: "No piece of work is done until you want to kill everyone involved in the publishing process, especially yourself." As far as regret, I think that's the sign of a well-lived life. If I grew old without having big regrets, I'd regret my caution.

My best writing advice? Write something that people might not "enjoy" but will never forget. ( i.e. "Guts" or "Phoenix" -- again, http://byl.nr/XPW2Mj ) Our tastes change with time, and something that persists has a chance of getting appreciated more in the future.

I once brought up the quote "Self-improvement is masturbation, self-destruction is the answer" to my high-school philosophy class taught by a man who was planning on becoming a priest the next year.

After seeing Fight-Club and reading Choke, the idea meant a lot to me at the time but looking back...semi-cringe

My class didn't get it. Everyone was surprised I brought up the word masturbation in a highschool class where we were getting our religion credit. My teacher wanted me to explain how it was like masturbation, so I stood at the front of my class stammering, trying to explain how self-improvement is pretty much just fucking yourself. ..

So my question is, how would you have described this quote to my highschool class? and do you personally live following this idea?

I'm safe in saying this because David Foster Wallace said that eventually your writing is masturbation. Regardless of how much readers enjoy it, you're really writing because it gets you off.

And I do mean it, but Tyler meant it more. The pleasures of writing include acting like exaggerations of your most-extreme self. A word to the wise? You should probably check the potty talk in class. Dude.

It's rare for a writer's first book to be as successful as Fight Club was. Were you surprised by the success of the book? How did the success of Fight Club affect your life generally?

Please let me address a misperception. 'Fight Club' was a huge failure. Most of the hardcovers were going to be pulped. They were unsold when the movie opened... and then the movie was a flop. It has taken years ( decades ) for the story to build an audience. What's amazing is that it still resonates for young readers; it's never become dated. ( he shakes his head in disbelief )

UPDATE:

From his facebook:

Update: So Chuck is having internet issues and is not able to get back online. He had already started to answer questions before this happened, but right now it looks like he may not be able to get online tonight. Either way, we will reschedule the AMA and Chuck will go back and answer existing questions from tonight, as well as new ones. Apologies to all, and keep an eye on the page, b/c if Chuck IS able to get back online tonight, we're back in business.Update: So Chuck is having internet issues and is not able to get back online. He had already started to answer questions before this happened, but right now it looks like he may not be able to get online tonight. Either way, we will reschedule the AMA and Chuck will go back and answer existing questions from tonight, as well as new ones. Apologies to all, and keep an eye on the page, b/c if Chuck IS able to get back online tonight, we're back in business.

TL;DR - Chuck's having "internet issues." He probably won't finish his AMA tonight.

e: to add link to FB

e2: He's back!

I am Chuck's shitty internet

When I was your age, all we had was some waxed string stretched between tin cans. You had to read because movies were silent. Why, I remember Robert Frost telling me.... (snore, snore, snore)

Hi Mr. Palahniuk! I really love your style; it heavily influenced my writings in my English class. And I'm sorry this question isn't like a thought-provoking question or anything. Or sorry if this has been asked and answered before somewhere.

Why are there 2 Walters in Fight Club?

Because ( like the great Brontosaurus ) I have a brain the size of a pea.

I just wanted to say I love you.

Dear McSealClubber --

Prove your love. Go to http://byl.nr/13aKPCY and make me a quarter.

xoxxxox ( big kiss )

Hi, Chuck. Thanks for doing this AmA.

I'm a journalism student at UO. While I think the program has been great, there's a bleak atmosphere over the future of journalism. Where do you think the field is headed? Has your knowledge of journalism affected your writing?

Good question! I was in a similar boat, as part of the generation who watched "All the President's Men" and decided to become journalists. ( stupid, stoopid, stoopid ) We glutted the field. Likewise, my friend and fellow writer, Chelsea Cain, was a journalism major ( and got her post-grad degree ). The good news is that journalism trains you to be observant and to communicate clearly ( if not spell accurately ). Those are the skills that will save you. Say hello to Tim Gleason for me, and enjoy the dazzling new Allen Hall.

What do you think of people getting tattoos of your writings on their body? Flattering or what?

(Next month I'm getting "nothing is static" from Fight Club, and couldn't be more excited. Thank you for saving my life with your work, Chuck. Wouldn't be here without ya.)

You should get something from Lidia Yuknavitch inked on you. I will if you will.

Hey Chuck---

I just found out I have to make a gigantic revision on my ms. Any words of wisdom?

Thanks, Lauren (ps I <3 LitR!)

Get ready to hate me. To Really hate me. When I have to do painful revisions I shave my head. It's like dying, and it makes me feel better about killing passages I've written and still love.

But that's just my method.

according to chuck's verified twitter, this link is legit. https://twitter.com/chuckpalahniuk

Oh, thank you. ( but really, this is Morgan Molly Freeman Ringwald )

Reading Phoenix really tied me over until October. Can we expect the release of more short stories in between books?

Thank you! I have a monstrous story called "Cannibal" in Playboy right now. Bless them for not shying away from my subject matter. Cannibal is artsy ( so much for Minimalism ) but it's more gruesome than "Guts." Next week, I'll be in Bellingham, Washington, doing an event for Village Books. A new story ( my best story, ever, with a happy ending, too boot ), this year's tour story, and an evening of experimenting with the face of book events.

Chuck,

Saw you speak in San Francisco this past year. You told the story about how the idea for Choke came to you - it made me near speechless. I am wondering if that actually happened, or if you're just telling stories to get a rise out of people.

If I told you the "lying down in the street story" it was the truth.

Were you drinking before the start of this AMA, Mr. Palahniuk?

No, but I is counting the minutes until I can glug-glug. These interactions assume a kind-of looking good posing, and I wanted to avoid that. My hope is that I might actually say something valid, but by accident. You know?

Hiya Chuck,

A family friend of mine sent you a letter a long time ago and you responded with some of your old tapes and recordings. I always thought that was really cool of you. Her name was Jessica Morehead, she died in a car accident back in 2009. I still keep in touch with her dad. http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/sacbee/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=131078287#fbLoggedOut

I am so sorry. Unhappiness comes out of nowhere... and that's why we need to make the effort to make happiness occur. If disaster can be random then my goal is to create as much joy as I can. 'Nuff said.

Do you keep in touch with Amy Hempel? She's one of my favorite authors and I know you have repeatedly mentioned her as an influence and favorite author of yours.

Amy Hemple makes my life worth living. If you do nothing else with your life, find a copy of her essay "A Full-Service Shelter" and love it.

Is Sam Rockwell's ass as amazing in person?

Angels weep when they look at Sam's butt. Even in pants.

Chuck, Have you ever used drugs (psychedelics) to get past writers block or finish a deadline(stimulants)? Is this question to personal?

I don't think anyone here will judge you.

No, if anything, drugs kept me from writing for years. They are a false source of inspiration. For me, at least.

when and where is the next bedtime stories for adults? can people wear see-through lingerie?

You, my dear, may wear see-thru anything. And it was wonderful to see you walking down the street, yesturday. My lovely shill.

Bedtime Stories for Adults will be in Bellingham, WA next week, please phone 1-800-392-BOOK. It will be life changing.

So what's Chelsea Cain really like?

Do I detect the sweet smell of gossip? When you're a writer ( one who comes from non-writing, trailer-living ancestors ) you seek out other writers and try to copy how they behave. I watch carefully to see which fork Ms. Cain uses to eat her fish. Still, she is a sphinx.

To ogle the mysterious Ms. Cain for yourself, contact Village Books in Bellingham, WA. She and I will be there next Wednesday, the 24th, for an evening of shenanigans.

Do you have any further plans with Starry Eyes now that the Kickstarter is funded?

Oh, thank God that Dennis made his goal. I was holding my breath. For now I'm focused on signing and inscribing the books and CDs that will go out to contributors. I've held off asking to read the screenplay because I'd like to be surprised by the finished film.

Sorry for not posting this sooner, I was wary since somebody said this was a fake.

Thank you SO much for being here. I've read everything you've written and I consider you a huge influence not only on the work I do as an artist, but on my daily life. Your books are almost single-handedly responsible for keeping me alive during one of the darkest times of my life. As cliche as it sounds, you literally saved my life, however indirectly. So thank you. I have a few questions and an additional statement.

•Can you please go into a little detail about the the level of research you do for your books?

•What can you tell us about the movie adaptations of Survivor, Invisible Monsters, and Diary?

•What has influenced your decision to keep partner un-named?

•Can you explain your decision to change your "voice" in the way you write more recent books like Pygmy? Is it simply for immersion's sake?

•What "transgressional fiction" books do you recommend outside of your own?

•I want to extend my sincerest condolences for the loss of your parents. I know it has been some time but still, from a fan, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Damn, I suck at this. Could I be more slow? How about one answer? I wasn't always a public person, but I've been with someone ( Mike ) for decades. Early on, we talked about the growing attention, and he wanted to avoid the spotlight. I have to admire his resolve to remain private. I've talked to too many celebrated people who lost their true loves because of this issue.

[deleted]

You're 23? That should be enough. Oh, to be 23...!

MCKaney, you will never have as much energy and daring as you do now. Over the next ten years, gather everything. Hoard experiences, writing tricks, ideas. Once you're 31 you'll begin to slow down, then get serious about novel writing. By that point you'll have a pile of material you can draw from for the rest of your career.

Go, be a language and lifestory vampire. Go to parties and bars and suck non-writers dry.

Do you hate Pasco/Kennewick Washington as much as I do?

I have to drive through there from time to time out of Portland. I have had my car broken into twice in Pasco.

Ah, my old stomping ( getting stomped on, I mean ) grounds. Me? I'm from the thriving sub-sub-suburb of Burbank, outside of Pasco. I only go back because I know people buried in the Tri-Cities.

( way to go, Palahniuk, bring the chat room down )