Chuck Palahniuk

Recently? Like, when I was 13. But God forbid I get moved to that ghetto called the "Gay and Lesbian Shelf."

You're welcome. And the package probably says more about how brilliant your daughter's letter was than how decent I am. And isn't it fun to exceeeeeeed people's expectations? I love that.

How sweet. I can never have enough pictures of my ass. 'Guess the Christmas card is settled for this year.

Honestly? I stole a huge copy of "The Joy of Sex" from a Waldenbooks in 1975 ( 1976? ). I put it in my pants, no kidding. And if you stole a paperback then you only owe me about 25 cents. Go to http://byl.nr/XPW2Mj and read 'Phoenix' and we'll be even. You'll go to Heaven and be with the angels.

What offends me? Waste offends me, or great ideas that never get developed. I want to steal from every writer I meet who shares a brilliant idea that he or she will never complete.

I'm not fond of Haggis, either. Sorry Irvine.

Hello Mr. Pirate,

My original goal, back when I had integrity, was to write all my books with two-word oxymoron titles -- Fight Club, Invisible Monsters, etc. 'Survivor' was first called 'Unnatural Disasters.' But I loved how monsters are usually defined by their appearance, so how could one be invisible and still be regarded as a monster? Think on THAT.

Thanks for noticing. I love how people use standard phrases for getting past awkward moments in conversation. My generation uses "Whatever" and "Anyways..." for those transitions. But I also appreciate how individual peer groups create their own stock phrases that reinforce their group identity. When an awkward silence falls, my Catholic family says, "It must be seven minutes after the hour..." because of the belief that Christ died at that time and all talking falls to silence out of respect. I'm told that Jewish people say, "A Jewish baby has been born" when such silent lull occur. So to mimic this human habit/tendency/need I've tried to invent transitional choruses specific to my own characters.

Not to lose anybody his job... but some very stoned guys came from Stanley Steamer and taught me the blood-cleaning stuff. And this was ten years before Sunshine Cleaning. Althought I laughed out foamy hurl when Emily Blunt fell face-down on the gore-soaked mattress.

I loved that you preficed that with my name. See, I can't spell. Prefficed? SEE Phonix has ruined me for life.

And no, I can't swim a stroke and live in mortal fear of swimming pools.

To begin a new novel, I look for the biggest problem in my life that I can't solve or tolerate. Something that drives me nuts, but I can't fix. Then I find a metaphor that allows me to explore the problem, exaggerating and expanding it beyond reason. I build it up to the worst scenario possible and then find a way to solve it. By the time the book is done, I've exhausted all of my emotions around the original problem. Whatever it was, it no longer bothers me. And typically, during the time of writing, the problem has resolved itself. It's like magic. Try it. It will keep you alive in this world of bullshit.