Adam "Lakers" Carolla Here - Ask Me Anything

I am a huge fan of Crank Yankers. What was your favorite call that you personally made?

Favorite call was one that never made it to air. Called a moving company to transport my morbidly obese wife from the bay window I'd removed in the living onto a flatbed and to the hospital for the lap band surgery. I explained that the ambulance company wanted $3600 and it wasn't covered under insurance. I also mentioned that if she hung out over the stakebed we could flag her. The guy was laughing about it with his buddy, I got indignant and said "Excuse me she has a disease called morbid obesity and I'd appreciate it if you'd show some respect" He quickly gathered himself, apologized and said "I know what it's like to live with someone with a disability. I have a 3 year old daughter with a trach hole." I said "Well she was obviously a smoker so she brought that on herself. This is a real disease." He went nuts and threatened to kill me.

I need to even out a cut length of PVC by about 1/4" and I don't have a sander, a file, or a saw. What's the best way to grind the end down flush?

First, a question for you. Are you writing from either prison or the pre-bronze age? How about you go to fucking Home Depot and get a four dollar PVC saw and/or a twenty-five cent sheet of 80 grit sandpaper you can lay on a flat surface and make like you're starting a fire. PS - Make sure you deburr the PVC before you violate it.

What's your favorite kind of beer? And what kind of beer were you guys drinking on the Man Show? I've kind of always been curious.

Sam Adams mainly, though I started cutting mine with near beer for the first show. We would tape two shows back to back and if I got too buzzed on the first show I would find myself halfway into the second show screaming at the Juggies "Why isn't one of you blowing me?" and challenging Jimmy to a fight.

As far as favorite beer I like Sierra Nevada, Blue Moon, Sam Adams and Free.

So I'm building a deck, I'm gonna use 2x6 Sunwood for the decking with a pencil gap. I was just wondering if I should use 16 penny galivies or go with a screw of some type. Its a shitload of screws to run in, just thinking it might be better for the long term.

Also really liked that renovation reality show you did, even if it was a nightmare.

Screw it off with deckers. You can even get them in colors that match the 2X6 and the stain you're going to apply. Use cordless impact driver and make sure you have and extra battery always charging. Good luck and when you're finished take a picture but don't send it to me.

Get it on, Ace. You mentioned recently that you and Drew are looking for more ways to collaborate, possibly bringing him on the pod on a regular basis. Is that still a possibility?

Yes, we're working on it. Thanks for listening.

A while back Molly Ringwald did an AMA. Any funny stories from childhood that you'd care to share about her?

I remember her as a cute little mousey redhead, but I was so obsessed with her sister - and more importantly whatever her mom had in the oven - I didn't pay her much attention. Had I known that "16 Candles" and "Pretty In Pink" were just around the corner I would have definitely kissed some ass.

Can you comment on how your father could be so emotionally distant from you yet is a practicing psychologist who has helped your old buddy Ray tremendously? Has he ever had a moment of insight where he realized how much he screwed up when you were young and apologized?

The great William Shakespeare once said "The contractor always has the worst house on the block." And for your second question, no, that's the kind of thing an alcoholic does three years into sobriety or after a near death experience.

Hey Ace-man!, two quick questions: •From all the people that you have interviewed, who's the douchiest douche that ever douched? •What's the story behind Matt Fondlier's aka The porcelain punisher (flush drop) nickname?

"It's just a waste of my time!!"

I've interviewed so many douchebags over the years it's hard to gather them in one douche-corral (By the way if you visit the Douche-Corral stay away from the coconut shrimp). First and foremost the entire band Chumbawumba, second the guy who played Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show (pretentious douche), Gloria Allred, the list goes on and on.

As to how Matt got the nickname he earned it.

In your excellent interview with Artie Lange on the podcast, he revealed that you were Howard Stern's first choice to take the Jackie chair. He said that he was not offered the job until after you turned it down. Is that true? If so, what was your reason for turning down the job at the time?

Huge fan, follow everything you do- love the new USC and Prager downloads.

Thank you. At the time Howard didn't know about all the various career obligations I had - Loveline, etc. As fun as it would have been it would have meant moving to New York and taking a pay cut. So while it was flattering it just didn't seem feasible.

What ever happened to Ace's Mexican Ranchero Accordion Countdown? Any chance you may resurrect it for the podcast?

No. Because during a routine blood test for an insurance physical last week my doctor said I had unusually high traces of Ranchero and Raggeaton in my blood and if I didn't quit listening in a few short years I would either be retarded or the mayor of Los Angeles.

Adam, if it was socially acceptable to fight one woman on this earth in a 12 round* (number of rounds depend on size, girth and how low the ovaries hang) boxing match who would it be?

I was taught to never raise a hand to a woman so obviously this is hypothetical and by no means do I want you guys to run with this and try to make something out of it. As long as we're clear that I would never engage in this behavior - Harriet Tubman.

Big fan Aceman. What's your favorite car you've ever owned?

'68 BRE 2000 roadster I drove last year at Monterey

Advice for other really, REALLY hairy guys out there.

You could shave, pluck, and wax, or you could do what I'm working on - put on 125 pounds and become a model for a very special magazine.

Also just remembered that my buddy Ray paid me $20 in 1989 to shave my ass. Just for fun.

If you had the chance to say anything to Tony Villar, face-to-face, what would it be?

If you bend just a little bit at the knee I can rest my balls on your forehead.

is there any way to "turn off" hypervigilance?

Yes. Ativan, booze, earplugs and an eyeshade. But if you're driving don't use the earplugs.

Hey Adam. Huge fan and daily listener. Thanks for doing this.

Where do you see the podcast going over the next few years? Do you have a long-term vision?

Also, can Mike Lynch type as fast as you rant? Not possible right?

Considering we just finished the new studios and I just had my third TV pilot in a row not greenlit I'm fully committed to the podcast and everything else via the internet. The way it's going to work is a combination of you guys listening, telling a friend, buying the new book and the Dennis Prager live shows, etc, and the networks sinking lower and lower and putting out less product that funny people want to see.

My in-laws wash their zip lock bags and reuse them, have 50 year old tupperware, reuse wrapping paper and bows, and wash and reuse disposable plastic utensils. I've always wanted to call for tales from the cheap but seem to miss it. Do I win?

Make fun of these people all you like but their skills will be much in demand when the "Book of Eli"-esque, post-apocalyptic days begin and according to the movie "Freejack" we're already three years late.

What's your favorite memory of / thing you've done with your kids?

Them watching me on the jumbo-tron win the Toyota Celebrity Grand Prix.

Better ass: Aubrey or Dayana?

I don't know, but if you like when I see them in New York on Sunday I can sniff them and get back to you.

Ace what is your relationship with Dameshek at the current moment?

Great. He'll be on the podcast Friday. Hopefully we can do another Basic Cable Commentary soon.

I see you, Jimmy, Simmons, and Sal as the new comedy 'rat pack.' Any thoughts on maybe a show/movie/digital short with these guys?

Now that Jimmy is done with the White House Correspondent's Dinner and hosting ABC's upfronts I'll see if he wants to do a movie I shoot on my iPhone before hosting the Emmys.

the comedy awards not even nominating the podcast - you pissed or just seeing it as part of being 'the man'

As I announced after we won the iTunes Facebook poll we had become "the man". It seems counter intuitive for a podcaster to become "the man" but I'm sure if you're #1 in sales of patchouli scented hackey-sack balls your competition would look at you as "the man.'

As someone who knows nothing about you, or your podcast, but is willing to check it out, can you sell me on your show in 3 lines or less?

Funny, informative, thought provoking and tonight's guest - The Beatles.

Loved your first book. Got it for my Dad for Christmas a couple years back. What should we expect in your new one?

All the stories you've heard over the years on Loveline and my morning radio show, and some you've never heard in glorious detail from the beginning to the present in one non-leather bound, non-collectable edition. With lots of pictures, many never seen before. If you'd be kind enough to pre-order it (that goes for you e-book folk too) it would be much appreciated. I love the idea of a functionally illiterate guy debuting #1 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Get it the fuck on, Ace man! As one of the funniest guys producing comedy today, what has absolutely cracked you up recently? I'm not talking about you chuckling at "Bridesmaids"...I'm talking uncontrollable sidesplitting laughter.

Good question. But other than Jimmy's show I almost never watch comedy. All my time on the internet is spent looking at race tire sizes and e-bay looking for old car parts. And TV is mostly 60 Minutes, UFC and car shows. My biggest laughs, sadly, come at the expense of stupid people talking.

Adam, how are Kevin and Bean in person? I've been a long time listener of theirs and have heard you on their show countless times. Do their radio personalities reflect themselves off the air? Thanks

Great and yes.

Will you and Dennis Prager being doing a tour? Would love to see a show in St. Paul/Minneapolis!

Yes, I think we're coming to Minneapolis. Check my web site, you should be able to find dates. We're doing another 10 or 12 shows by the end of the year.