I have worked with trauma survivors, and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that this happened to you. These were absolutely terrible crimes that you did not deserve to suffer through, and they were not your fault. I hear survivors share feelings of guilt, like, "Well if I had done that or hadn't done this, then things would have been different and this would not have happened." But the truth is that the fault lies entirely with the predators, not with you or your behavior. Or anything about you whatsoever. It is not your fault.
It actually makes complete sense to me that you were looking for affection with different sexual partners after the first rape. Many women who survive assault will go to drastic measures to take back their power - to be fully in control of their sexual behavior again, even if it means placing them at risk of harm. Now, what you are describing after the second assault, in terms of your struggles, sounds VERY consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder. Particularly if your panic attacks are triggered when you have unwanted thoughts, nightmares, or random reminders of your traumatic experience.
Of course you would need to go to a professional to get a proper diagnosis, but I will say that one of the hallmarks of PTSD is that people hide their trauma and avoid talking about it. Out of shame, to protect their loved ones, to avoid bringing up painful emotions. But I truly believe that the key to healing is talking about what happened to you, whether with a therapist or trusted friend. Someone who will stand by you and not let you carry this burden alone. So I just want to say kudos that you were able to share this today, albeit anonymously. If you are interested in taking the next step toward recovery, I am going to recommend three excellent types of treatment that many PhD-level therapists are trained in:
1) Prolonged Exposure for PTSD (developed by Dr. Edna Foa)
2) Skills Training in Affective and Interpersonal Regulation (developed by Dr. Marylene Cloitre)
3) Cognitive Processing Therapy (developed by Dr. Patricia Resick)
goodbatch254 karma
I have worked with trauma survivors, and I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that this happened to you. These were absolutely terrible crimes that you did not deserve to suffer through, and they were not your fault. I hear survivors share feelings of guilt, like, "Well if I had done that or hadn't done this, then things would have been different and this would not have happened." But the truth is that the fault lies entirely with the predators, not with you or your behavior. Or anything about you whatsoever. It is not your fault.
It actually makes complete sense to me that you were looking for affection with different sexual partners after the first rape. Many women who survive assault will go to drastic measures to take back their power - to be fully in control of their sexual behavior again, even if it means placing them at risk of harm. Now, what you are describing after the second assault, in terms of your struggles, sounds VERY consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder. Particularly if your panic attacks are triggered when you have unwanted thoughts, nightmares, or random reminders of your traumatic experience.
Of course you would need to go to a professional to get a proper diagnosis, but I will say that one of the hallmarks of PTSD is that people hide their trauma and avoid talking about it. Out of shame, to protect their loved ones, to avoid bringing up painful emotions. But I truly believe that the key to healing is talking about what happened to you, whether with a therapist or trusted friend. Someone who will stand by you and not let you carry this burden alone. So I just want to say kudos that you were able to share this today, albeit anonymously. If you are interested in taking the next step toward recovery, I am going to recommend three excellent types of treatment that many PhD-level therapists are trained in:
1) Prolonged Exposure for PTSD (developed by Dr. Edna Foa)
2) Skills Training in Affective and Interpersonal Regulation (developed by Dr. Marylene Cloitre)
3) Cognitive Processing Therapy (developed by Dr. Patricia Resick)
Keep hanging tough! You're in my thoughts.
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