westward_man

He basically said that their relationship had been failing for quite some time before she got pregnant, and then when that happened, they kind of tried to stick it out because it was the "responsible" thing to do. He also accused her of cheating on him, though, and claimed that he wasn't really sure I was even his son, which honestly I found extremely offensive and cowardly. Also stupid: we look exactly alike.

The gist was that after about a month of fighting, they both decided that it wasn't a healthy environment to raise a child. He spun it like it was much more a mutual decision than it really was. How many women do you know who would voluntarily become single mothers without receiving child support?

The first conversation was extremely surreal. I had often thought about trying to find him, but obviously hadn't given it any real effort or had any margin of success. I obsessed over what I would actually say, and ended up coming out with something lame and awkward like, "I think I'm your son."

I know I probably should have been angry, but I don't think I truly fathomed the depth of what had happened. My mother never once bad-mouthed him or said anything negative about him--in fact, she always told me how awesome he was and how everyone had liked him.

When I was quite a bit younger, I’d always day-dreamed of his coming to pick me up from school, randomly—as a surprise. He’d pick me up in his arms, and I’d be all surprised, like I’d won a game show or something, and we’d drive home. Maybe he and my mother would get back together, maybe not. It didn’t matter. But I kind of grew out of that.

I don't think it's accurate to say his more "set" than we are. He never went to college. My mother was the first in my family to graduate from college, and she got an associate's. Therefore, I'm the first on both sides to get a bachelor's. But he made his way, I suppose. I'm pretty sure I make more money than he does, though! Haha!

His family does know about me, yes. I have been building a relationship with the older of his two sons, but the younger I haven't spoken to at all. I don't know how his wife feels about me now, but she almost left him when she found out about me. Apparently he never told her. Whoops!

My relationship now is sporadic and not very involved. We fought quite a bit in the beginning, because my appearance almost ruined his marriage. I will call him every now and then to update him on my life, but I don't really put my heart into it. For example, I haven't yet told him I'm engaged.

So his father had actually also abandoned him, and my mother told me that he had never reached out to meet him. I found that incredibly cowardly, to be honest. It's almost like getting the opportunity to meet your maker and asking him "Why?" and not taking it. Although obviously not quite as epic!

I dunno. I had questions my mom simply couldn't (or perhaps wouldn't) answer. I needed to know. I guess that's just how I'm wired.

You're perfectly entitled to feel that way, and I don't think anyone would blame you--I certainly don't.

For me, personally, I needed to know exactly who he was, why he did what he did, and what it really meant for me. I needed to understand why something like that happened to two generations. And maybe I needed confirmation that we were different enough that I wouldn't repeat the mistakes of my father and my father's father.

My mother is one hell of a woman. She's amazing. She's my best friend in the whole world. I live on the opposite side of the country from her, now, but I talk to her almost every day about everything. She has incredible strength and depth of character, and I wouldn't be half as successful as I am today if it weren't for her. She worked long hours in a difficult job for many years, and I have no idea how she managed to do it, but she did--and she did a very good job. I couldn't have asked for a better mother or friend.