I am a Columbine Survivor who is launching a resource for those coping with trauma. AMA!

Are you in this class photo? In that case, can you point yourself out?

I kind of get the chills when I look at Eric and Dylan in the upper left...

Naw dude, I was a freshman at the time that the shooting happened, and that's a picture of the senior class. It's been a long time since I've seen that, great to see so many friendly faces that I've missed!

Half the guys in that picture look like complete psychopaths.

To be fair everyone in the 90s looked like a psychopath.

Hahaha!! Love it :D

When was this picture taken? This is really interesting

If I remember correctly (which...who knows...) it was probably taken sometime towards the beginning of the year, in the fall.

Did this make you or make you not believe in god?

I personally already believed in God and I still believe in God - in a God who weeps and walks with us in sunlight and shadow and cries when we cry. But I definitely can empathize with people who come to any other conclusion. So many valid perspectives.

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Agreed ^{^}

Oh, and btw when I read this question it didn't occur to me to take it in any way other than whether or not it impacted my personal beliefs -- bad things happening to good people/God not preventing it and the wrenching emotions that accompany that reality. That's what I thought of, not a reference to the bullying that Eric and Dylan put people through in the library. Thank you for your thoughtful question :)

A better way of wording it would be did your religious views change or stay the same after the shooting?

Actually, religion brought me a LOT of comfort. My religious views aren't what they once were any more, but that wasn't a result of Columbine. lol but that's a rabbit hole that I'd prefer to address another time, if at all.

Also, the shooters respectively asked this during the attack. Idk if the original post had an relevance to this or if that was his intention, but that's what I immediately thought of when I read this! "Do you believe in God now?!" shudders

Ya, definitely a horrific thing to ask people and such courage to stand up when the consequences are so high!

How did you respond when the shooting intially started? Where were you and what did you think was happening?

Initially I thought it was a senior prank. Then a friend told me that she thought this was serious and that snapped me into reality.

Where were you when the pipe bombs went off?

In a science room a floor above them. I do remember the floor shaking several times as we waited for help to arrive.

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Honestly I have no idea. I was a freshman at the time and had never met either of the boys responsible.

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Hmm...this is a complicated question. There were definitely people who got out pretty quickly, but there were 2000 of us and it's difficult to give a good summation of that many stories, even if I knew more of them than I do.

For me, I was having lunch in the cafeteria at the time and Coach Sanders got up on a chair and warned us that there was someone with a gun outside. He got our attention, and within a few minutes people around me got up and ran. I ran up the stairs, veered into a science room, and followed the teacher's instructions to hide on the floor along the wall next to the door. A few minutes later Coach Sanders came in. He'd been shot, and we spent the next few hours watching a couple of Eagle Scouts give him first aid. Eventually, we were liberated by the SWAT team and escorted out of the school.

Those are the quick basics of my personal experience. It's a religiously based book, but there's a more detailed account of what happened to me in a book that my sister and other Columbine alumni wrote a few years ago: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1590382668

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that I've ever read about William Sanders is that he was a fucking hero and more kids could have died that day if it wasn't for his selfless actions. It's important to remember that prior to Columbine, mass school shootings were relatively uncommon and definitely did not receive the type of attention, both media and otherwise, that it does now. As you said in another thread and what others who were there to experience that terrible day have also said, everyone at first thought it was a prank.

Takes a lot of balls to not only recognize a threat like an active shooter early, but also to act on it. The world would be a better place with more men like him on it.

Dude, Coach Sanders...was the BEST. I didn't know him on a personal level, but my sister was on the basketball team and he meant SO MUCH to her. A hero on and off the court. He definitely saved my life.

Honestly, being in the room where he eventually passed away, I spent a lot of the years following suffering from TREMENDOUS survivor's guilt. It broke my heart to be so close to him and to not have been able to save him somehow. In the years following, I knew the guilt was irrational, but it continued. I'm not sure why this thought broke it, but probably around 2006 or 2007, the thought occurred to me that if I HAD the resources and the ability/know-how to save him, I would have in a heartbeat. It's a simple thought, but for some reason it unlocked a piece of me inside and I got a tremendous amount of healing when it sunk in.

Coach Sanders was the brother of a well liked business owner in my very small hometown. We were devastated and moved by his heroism. This tragedy affected so many people. I received the last Coach Sanders Scholarship that was given out in his honor. I'm so proud to have been selected by his brother. I think of their family often. Thank you for mentioning him

*edit wording

Dude, this made me tear up. That's amazing! Thanks for sharing! <3

What is your suggestion to help someone cope with survivors guilt? I teach in Moore, Oklahoma. While I'm sure everyone is now tired of hearing about it my students are still living it. I lost a boy who I had taught for two years. Many teachers, parents, and kids are still very emotionally lost.

Gosh, I can only speak from my experience, but my answer would be to listen to them, be their friend and share your thoughts and heart with them. Also, it's common for survivors guilt, PTSD, and so many things to last for much longer than ANYONE would like it to. The people who were the most helpful for me were the ones who I felt safe with and who were there by my side for the long haul. I'd recommend any amount of researching that you feel comfortable doing on the subject, and referring them to a therapist who they feel comfortable with, and/or finding one for you too, but only when you and they are ready.

What was your life like for the first week or so after columbine?

If you could say anything to the shooters right now, what would it be?

The first week after Columbine was arguably the most difficult week for me, personally. But day after day, it got better.

The day that the incident happened, I remember getting to my house, telling my family what happened, and crying for hours and hours. It was the first time that I'd cried so much that I physically ran out of tears. Then the next day, I cried again, but didn't run out. And the day after that was a little bit better than the day before.

I remember waking up a week after in the sunshine and realizing that it had been a week and I'd survived - the pain had made baby steps towards getting better and therefore I had hope that I'd eventually be ok again.

How much later did you go back to school?

I'm glad to hear you had a fast recovery from the initial trauma.

I think it was 3 weeks? Maybe 2? I can't quite remember and am not sure where to look it up. But we had a space in time for a break.

What do you think about guns?

I'm personally not a fan, but I can understand why people feel the need to protect themselves. Gun control is definitely a complicated issue that I don't have answers to.

Not being insensitive or aloof, but what was the first things your classmates spoke about during your 10 year reunion?

The 10 year reunion was actually super rad -- we had a great time chatting about each other's lives and catching up. Eventually friends and I discussed the event, but most of the time was spent having a good time and enjoying each other's company.

Who was the biggest help to you after such an awful event? Who would you recommend talking to afterwards?

It's hard to choose, because so many people were incredibly helpful to me. My immediate family, though in shock and traumatized themselves, really stood behind my sister and I and gave us TONS of support. My extended family and friends also called us every day for a long time and it was amazing to be able to talk and process things.

In the years afterwards, I went to therapists when I was ready, and that became a huge source of healing as well.

Thank you for responding! I'm glad you've been able to overcome!

Thanks dude! I appreciate it! :D

How long did it take from hearing the first shot, to knowing something was seriously wrong?

Hmm...It's hard to gauge because everything was such a blur, but it took a while for me to realize that what I was hearing were gunshots. Wagering a guess, I'd say for me it was about 2 full minutes between when Coach Sanders got our attention until I had any sort of a grip on what was happening.

What do you think about the media coverage of these kinds of events?

I think it's getting better, and I'd love to see it continue to get better. I loved that there were so many stories of courage and generosity in the aftermath of the events in Boston. Marathon runners running to donate blood? Dang. It still makes me teary eyed.

I think that focusing on positive aspects, like stories of the victims' recovery or others efforts to help as opposed to digging around the personal life of the killer, would help prevent future tragedies. It shows potential killers they won't get the infamy they desire.

I totally agree. Also, there's so little known about the lasting, real damage and years of struggle that go hand in hand with going through trauma. I'd hope that if more people had more insight into the absolute long-term horror they were putting others through, there would be less events like these and more people doing their best to help and heal.

What do you think can be done to prevent future school shootings?

Honestly I think the most powerful thing to stop shootings is for people who are outsiders, who don't fit in and are bullied to have that kid who stands up for them, takes them by the hand and becomes their friend. Violence isn't healed by violence. IMO, violence is healed by love.

EDIT: Fixed a typo. "become" not "becomes"

EDIT2: Changed it back, since it was actually correct. Woops.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm hearing is that metal detectors aren't the answer?

I don't think so. I mean, it might serve to be a deterrent, but they're certainly not a cure.

What a wonderful response. You rock.

Hahaha Thanks :D <3

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Personally I don't see a need for them to be. I'd rather see more positive messages available to people rather than things which can potentially inspire copycat violence or any sort of hurt.

Also I think that it'd be great to spare Eric and Dylan's families the pain that I'm sure those files and videos could cause. I'm sure they've been through hell and back a million times and I think they deserve a break.

Have you read David Cullen's book Columbine and if so, what are your views of it?

I haven't read it, honestly I'm not really interested in reading it because I think it would trigger some things for me without a good reason.

My dad was one of the first SWAT guys into the school that day. I was 10 at the time and went to school about 15 minutes from Columbine High. There are so many myths about that day, the school, the shooters, the victims--what is the myth that you would clear up for everyone if you could?

Dude, could you like...give your dad a giant hug for me? 'Cause seriously. Win. And in terms of myths... Hmmm... This really isn't so much a myth as it is society having a history of turning a blind eye, but I wish that there was more understanding and empathy for the LONG long time that recovery from traumatic events takes, and I wish that there were more forums and safe places where people who are dealing with so much can talk and find community.

But in terms of actual myth, I do resent that Colorado is portrayed as a violent place in some movies, such as the most recent Charlie and the Chocolate Factory having the kid who plays violent video games in CO. Colorado people are rad!

Thanks for doing the AMA.

What, if anything, triggers your memories/emotions of the events?

Honestly, these days, the main thing that triggers things for me is when I walk down the meat aisle of certain grocery stores. Most places are clean enough where I can't smell anything, but there are certain stores where I can't walk down the aisles because of the smell.

Wow. Thank you for the reply.

Sure thing! :D

Can you elaborate for me quick? Is it the smell of the meat or something else? I'm lost. Thanks!

Ya, it's something about the smell of the meat. It smells enough like the room that I was trapped in that it brings me back there, so I tend to avoid those aisles when I can.

Do you still eat meat, or is the smell too much?

I am an omnomnomosaur. I loves me some meat -- cooked meat doesn't bother me at all.

At what point after the traumatic events in your life did you realize "it gets better"? Did it take months, years, or is it still an ongoing process?

For me, it comes in waves. Even on the first day, being able to go home, hug my mom, dad and sister, that was AMAZING. A big milestone for me, personally, happened about a week after the incident where I realized that it had been a week and the pain had gone from a level 1,000,000 to maybe a level 100. It gave me hope that it could eventually be ok.

Overall, though, it's taken years to get to the place where I am now. And I'm still healing -- it's an ongoing process. But every year, things are better than the last, regarding this issue and other things that have been difficult.

As a survivor of a similar attack, I've been living my life with PTSD -- which has led to terrible anxiety. I don't really feel like I can trust anyone, even my family. It's ruined me.

Do you experience any similar feelings?

Ya, particularly when I moved away from my community. Going away to college was so traumatic for me because I felt like I had no one to talk to who really understood what I was saying. When someone would find out that I was there that day, the first question that I would be asked was usually "Were you scared?" and I found that to be the biggest turn off and extremely unhelpful.

I don't know what you've experienced and I'm SO SORRY that it's been so terrible for so long. What helped me to get through things was to go to a therapist who I felt cared about me. My mom got a recommendation of a good one from her friend who was also a therapist, and her recommendation happened to be a good fit for me.

But definitely, if you can, find someone who you can feel safe opening up to. And hang in there. There were so many times in my life where I didn't feel like there was anything to keep going for, but I'm so glad that I hung in there through it all because things got so much better -- having the opportunity to pursue my career and try to help people along the way has been AMAZINGLY fulfilling.

Dude, I wish you the best of luck. There are ways to contact me through http://resilienthope.org and I'd be more than happy to listen, or help in any way that I can.

Thanks for doing the AMA! I was wondering, based on your experiences, how you feel about the current gun control argument? Do you feel allowing teachers to arm themselves and be trained could be a useful/beneficial thing?

Gun control is DEFINITELY an issue that I don't have enough education about. I tend to stay out of the debates. That being said, in my opinion, I can imagine that Eric and Dylan would have hesitated to do what they did had they known that there were people inside who could defend themselves. Still though, there are so many issues with liability that go hand in hand with that possibility.

Thank you for an honest and mature response. Many people will jump into ANY debate, without being fully educated. I'm surely guilty of this at times as well. I appreciate the response and your time for doing this AMA.

Thanks! And thanks for your kind words!

If I recall, wasn't there an armed officer on campus who traded shots with one of them?

I remember hearing something about that, though I'm not sure about the details. I BELIEVE that it referred to SWAT team members outside the school who exchanged shots with them through the library windows.

What are your feelings toward the shooters at this point?

Honestly I still wish that they had more people who cared about them before they went off the deep end. If there is an after life, I'd wish that they'd have the healing and closure that they didn't let themselves have here.

you are a wonderful human being

Hahaha thanks. I have plenty of butthead moments, but my parents raised me right.

If you could change any one thing that people did in response to Columbine or any other shooting, what would it be and why?

I would change the way that the media handled this event. Reporters were extremely intrusive to friends of mine who had lost people who they loved. Personally I am grateful for the internet because of the amount of accountability that people have now that there's a way for abuses and unkindness to go viral.

It does still happen though, it sucks.

Ya, I agree, though hopefully the more people are aware of the problem and insist that reporters and other media representatives treat people like people, the more progress will be made.

How did your parents react when you came home?

They were awesome. They just held me and let me cry as I told them what happened to me. My parents are rock stars <3

I have a friend who was in the music room during the Columbine shootings and has lead a somewhat troubled life since then. She's doing great for herself now, works with horses and is highly motivated and self-employed. But I don't think that she's ever sought counseling or spoken to anyone seriously about it. She's taken her own long road to healing. I think what you're doing is really great, and I think that you and her might be great resources for each other. PM me - I'd like to discuss putting you in touch.

Thanks dude! I'll PM you now -- though it might be a little while before I can respond, there are a lot of messages flying to my inbox, but I'll do my best to read over it again.

If I space out, there are definitely ways to contact me through http://resilienthope.org

Proof?

I've posted a link to the blog, does that work?

http://resilienthope.org/blog/ama-on-reddit/

There's http://resilienthope.org

There's also a number of articles including: http://extras.denverpost.com/news/shot0422d.htm

I can provide other sources if that isn't enough

Anyone can link to a website - AMAs posted in /r/IAmA do require actual proof of your claims. I am removing this post until proof that you are a Columbine survivor is provided. Thanks! The sidebar has more information, including about how to send in proof confidentially (as opposed to publicly in this thread).

OP has posted a link to this on her organization's website. Re-approving.

Thank you :)

How were things at the school the months after it happened, or just after time had passed in general?

The event happened in late April, and we had a couple of weeks or so where we weren't in classes, so that particular year we finished at a neighboring high school. That school would attend in the mornings, and we'd attend in the evenings. It felt a lot like group therapy, to me at least.

The next year we went back to our original building and it was hard and things were somber, especially at first, but I loved being able to be around my friends who understood in some way what I had been through. And there were definitely tons of good times and fun high school moments for sure.

What did you think of Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine"? Even if you haven't seen it, what's your general impression of it, how you feel about it, and what the more the film could have done.

Hmmm... I've only ever seen a clip from it, and that was a few years ago in an Intro to Film class. The clip was a cartoon that satirized the gun industry. I haven't watched the rest of the film. I wasn't interested at the time. My general impression of it, through comments that I've heard from some fellow alumni, was that it wasn't really about the incident, but an exploration about gun laws. I'd be curious to watch it now that it's been a few years to see what I think.

This isn't a question, rather I just wanted to thank you for trying to take the terrible experience you and your fellow classmates went through and trying to help others with their experiences. I know it can't be easy to talk openly about such tragic events, let alone have been a part of them.

Dude, when the fact sunk in that there was a possibility of taking the hardest event that I've had to deal with and turning it on its head to help others, I was SO excited. That continues to be hugely exciting and motivating for me. Thanks for your kind words!

Not to be a dick, but the last time somebody did an AMA like this it was discovered he was a paid brady campaign lobbyist. If you are in a similar situation, could you please tell us before this becomes cluttered with questions?

I try to stay out of politics. My reasons for doing this is to help spread the word about the project so that 1) people who have been impacted by trauma can be potentially helped and 2) anyone who's interested in being interviewed or in helping in any way will have this on their radar.

How well did you know Rachel Scott?

I didn't know her personally, though I did run the spotlight for the spring play, "Smoke in the Room," which she had a role in. I remember her being incredibly patient with me one particular time when I missed my queue for her entrance.

I have many friends in the VFX industry. I've been following pretty closely with the entire movement towards regulating the industry and making working conditions better and more stable for vfx artists. What are your opinions on the idea of unionizing? Or do you think there are other ways to create stability within your industry?

Goodness. I'd love it if they'd unionize. IMO, it'd be more important for tax subsidies to be a thing of the past and for the houses to band together and form a trade organization so houses don't have to keep bidding under their costs and shutting down. I was among the first layoffs at Rhythm and Hues and I can tell from my experience there that it was an AWESOME company full of amazing, kind, and TALENTED people who really didn't deserve the horribleness that happened last February.

How difficult was it for you to get to safety?

I had run out of the cafeteria into a science classroom and wound up being trapped inside of the school for a few hours with about 30 kids in the room. We were eventually liberated by a SWAT team. So for me, getting to relative safety wasn't particularly difficult, but playing the waiting game was extremely scary.

I'd love to hear what you think about violent media (games, movies, etc) and its effect on children.

I have a zillion friends who grew up playing violent video games, watching movies, etc who turned out to be amazing, upstanding, beautiful people. I DO think, however, that it's a much more productive use of time to fantasize about how to HELP people rather than how to hurt them.

As a fellow Columbine student that graduated in the past few years, I'm really glad to see your life has continued to progress. I'm simply curious if you're still in contact with Mr. D or any other teachers?

I'm friends with Mr. D and Mr. Andres (the younger :D ) on facebook. They were also both at our 10 year reunion last summer, and that was super rad to see them. I'd LOVE to get in contact with Mrs. Sampson, someday. She was so rad!

What do you think is the most effective way to prevent future shootings from happening? ie: gun control, mental health system overhall.

Honestly I think the most effective way to prevent tragedies is to be the kind of person who reaches out in kindness to people who are different and who are outcasts. I never personally met Eric and Dylan, but I wish that they had more people who cared about them. In my opinion, people who feel loved and supported want to help people rather than hurt them.

During the Columbine shooting, did you ever see either shooter, or did you manage to escape without getting that close either one. Also, due to the massive media coverage of the Columbine shooting, due you think that mass shootings thing became more of a "trend" in America. I mean I know there were shootings before Columbine, but it seems like it became more of a thing amongst the crazies afterwards.

I never saw the shooters, personally. Coach Sanders warned us so that we had enough of a head start where I was able to get away before they came into the cafeteria.

It DID seem like right after the event there were several copy cat events, but many of the things that I've read indicate that events like these are getting less frequent.

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I was a freshman when it happened. And hmm...the only thing that I have to offer the other questions is my personal opinion. It's impossible to say for certain what the causes of this or any other event truly were. In my opinion, the culprit tends to be cruelty, loneliness, and a scathing lack of kindness on the part of the perpetrators, but also on the part of people who never reached out to the oddball kids in friendship.

The word that keeps popping up in my head, in terms of protecting people from violence is kindness. Personally, I think that life has so much more potential than protecting from the bad. I hope for a world where people feel loved, included, enjoyed, and wanted. If more people went out of their way to make even one person feel like they were loved, then wow. It'd be totally rad.

How do you feel about folks these days turning shootings into opportunities for conspiracy theory? Always blaming a covert plot and not the killer? Do you feel it hurts the discourse?

Hmm...honestly I tend to not pay attention to them and ignore them. If they feel the need to voice their opinions, that's great, but I'm usually not interested in entertaining their ideas.

In your experience, what was the most crucial help/support for you during the immediate aftermath of the incident?

Family and friends. Hands down. Being able to just hug my dad and cry right after getting out of the school was amazing. And for me, being with friends who were there and "got it" was the best.

Did Eric Harris seem like a dark troubled youth or just an average kid who couldn't quite fit in.

My apologies, but I never met him, so I really have no idea.

How close were you to actual gunfire? Or the library?

When things started, I was in the cafeteria. They were just outside, making their way in. Then, I hid in a science classroom. At that point, we felt the ground shake from explosions beneath us, and we heard them at least a couple of times running through the science hallway, firing bullets. I wasn't in the library. I had friends who were, most of them being some of the sweetest, kindest human beings I've ever known, both before and after. When we were evacuated, we were escorted up a hill and passed a couple of students, Rachel Scott and Dan Rohrbough, who had passed away.

Did you read Dave Cullen's book, "Columbine"? If so, what'd you think of it?

I haven't read it, honestly I'm not really interested in reading it because I think it would trigger some things for me

How do you define "survivor"? Were you shot at and missed? Did you actually get hit and lived? Or did you just happen to be in columbine?

Hmm I've never really given this enough thought to articulate a definition. I feel that everyone who was a student, faculty, or emergency response would fit under that umbrella because everyone was affected, whether they were in the immediate area or not. Does that answer your question adequately?

What were you doing when you first realized there was a shooting?

I had just sat at a table with my friends in the cafeteria. Pepperoni pizza and a free chocolate chip cookie. (Free Cookie Tuesday, FTW!)

Are you going to actually answer these questions?

Yes, my apologies, I stepped away to give a friend a ride to work.