IamA former taxi driver from the OC with a ton of crazy stories AMA!

Has someone ever climbed in the cab and said "follow that car"?

Haha yes, but only if their friends were in a cab ahead of me. Those were actually pretty fun because I would race the other car. Sometimes they would offer to tip me more if I won the race. In those cases I always won

When I was in DC last year, I got out of a cab and soon realized I left my phone. My wife and I jumped into the next cab we could find, and used Find My Phone to chase down the other cab. It was located about 10 miles away, so we booked it across town. The new cabbie was awesome, and was excited about the chase. We finally found the cab in a church parking lot, where the guy was watching the kids play on the playground. (I'll just assume he was keeping an eye on his granddaughter)
My phone was sitting on the front seat next to his French fries beeping like crazy from Find My Phone. (Clearly someone had found it and turned it into him-or he heard the beeping, and moved it to the front seat. He grabbed my hand when I reached up to retrieve it. Our driver was stoked that we did it!!

The next day, my wife left her phone in our cab to the airport. Again, I used Find My Phone to track it, and the guy was long gone. I kept tracking it, and it turned out he had another airport run, so he miraculously returned!! We were both happy to see each other and he wouldn't take my extra tip/reward.

tl;dr: Used Find My Phone to successfully retrieve my iPhone from a taxi. Twice.

That's awesome. That would've been fun to be the other cab, hunting down the phone stealing pedo cabbie

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No. The kind of chicks that want to bang their cabbie are not chicks I wanted to bang. I was propositioned several times but always wanted the money instead. One prostitute I drove was really insistent on paying with a blowjob but when I refused for the 5th time she reached up into her vagina and pulled out a condom with a wad of bills in it

How can you be sure she was a prostitute? Maybe she just didn't want to be burdened by a handbag

Haha I picked her up in Santa Ana on a street full of prostitutes so I'm pretty sure. Once I found out where the hookers hung out I use to work there all the time. They were usually really good passengers.

One time I was driving two of them and one was telling a story and she said "and then he ganked me for my whole snatch!"

I asked what that meant and they laughed and one said "honey, that's when somebody sticks his hand up your pussy and steals all your money."

How much money did she have stashed up there?

It looked like a few hundred bucks

So was your Tito story about him fucking for 90 minutes straight in your backseat your craziest story, or do you have one that tops it?

One of favorite stories was the time I pepper sprayed a guy who wouldn't stop screaming "Lies from the tablecloth" at the top of his lungs

I was parked at Crabby’s, a little dive bar in downtown Huntington Beach, California which has an outdoor patio. Even through the window of the car and with the radio on I could hear this big drunk dumbass yelling that line. A couple hours later, I was back in the cab line and two cops walked up and tapped on the window and asked if I could take some drunk dumbass home. And then I see him - it’s the fucking “lies from the tablecloth” dude. They give me the address from his driver’s license and I start driving him home while he alternates between passing out and screaming out System of a Down.

When we pass the Denny’s on Beach Boulevard he yells out for me to stop. He wants to go to Denny’s. I was fine with dropping him off there because he was fucking annoying, but he said no he still wants to go home, he just wants pancakes first. I told him that I’m not waiting for that and he can call for another cab when he’s done.

But he was like, “No. I want us to eat pancakes TOGETHER.” He seemed genuinely hurt that I didn’t want to eat with him. “You’re really not gonna eat with me bro?” So rather than eat by himself he just got back in the car and we kept going and he went back to singing his song.

Then when we got to his house he tried to pretend he didn’t have any money.

I said, “How were you gonna pay for the pancakes then?” and he said LIES FROM THE TABLECLOTH!

I said, “The cops told me they checked your wallet and you had money.”

LIES FROM THE TABLECLOTH!

I said I was going to call the cops if he didn’t pay.

LIES FROM THE TABLECLOTH!

When I got out my phone to call the cops he lunged at me from the backseat and took my phone, so I pepper sprayed him and took it back. After he was done crying he gave me the money and was like ‘why did you do that man?’ and I told him I had to because he didn’t want to pay me.

He told me he didn’t want to pay because I wouldn’t eat at Denny’s with him.

What's the douchiest thing a client has ever done while in your taxi?

I drove nothing but rich southern Orange County drunks so they were all kind of douchey. The worst were the blatant racists. I was one of the few white drivers so a lot of people would walk past other cabs that were ahead of me in line to get in my car and then they would tell me they didn't want a (some racial slur) driver. I hated driving those people and I hated that I couldn't afford to just tell them to fuck off

What's the most you've ever gotten paid for one fare?

$1,000 and a free hotel room. A bunch of frat dudes who wanted to go to Vegas. They paid up front. When we got to state line they wanted to get out and gamble. They got so drunk they never left state line

Goddamn they were desperate to get to Primm

I will never call it Primm. It will always be state line to me

Do you have a "favorite day" story? Like a day at work where everything was cool or you got to do something exceptionally fun?

The best day I ever worked believe it or not was Christmas day. I was kind of depressed starting out because 1. I wasn't seeing my family and 2. instead of my regular night shift I was starting EARLY in the morning. I think I went out at like 6am.

But EVERYBODY that day was incredibly nice. It was almost 100% Mexican families going to someone else in their families house. They all were sympathetic and tipped big.

One guy gave me a Santa hat and I wore it for the rest of the day and I got even more tips after that.

I also got more tamales than I could eat

What's the most uncomfortable you've ever felt while driving?

Probably the guy that made me pull into an abandoned parking lot and then started tickling me and giggling

We need the full story. Now.

Haha, there isn't really much of a story. He started giving me directions and then told me to pull into this parking lot and when we got there I realized nothing was open in there. I immediately started leaving and he reached up and started tickling my armpits and saying "come on, where are you going? just park here."

I told him to stop but he kept trying different spots on my body and saying "are you ticklish there, how bout here" and giggling a really creepy giggle.

He had tried armpits, under my chin, chest, now he was fully leaning over my seat and looked like he was gonna try my leg next. I slammed on the brakes and pulled my pepper spray out of the side door. I told him I was going to pepper spray him if he touched me one more time.

He sat down and behaved and didn't say another word until I dropped him off. As he got out he said "jeez I was trying to make you laugh."

Leading me to a dark secluded area and then tickling me. Hilarious

The OC

Please don't call it that

I totally agree! Nobody ever called it that before that fucking show. But now if I don't say THE oc people don't know what I'm talking about. In my every day speech though I promise I don't call it that.

I love Arrested Development for so many reasons and that's on the top of the list

Have you ever been compensated in something other than cash, like sex or drugs or booze or a stock tip?

One time I picked up this woman from a fire department. She was wrapped in a blanket and drinking coffee when I picked her up. I have no idea what her story was. I drove her to an alley behind a house and she hopped the fence and came back and gave me a watch and some cologne instead of cash. It was a short ride, and I figured she must've been a victim of something. I wore the cologne for like two years so it was probably worth it.

[deleted]

This was years ago, who knows if he even still lives there. I forgot to mention that Tito's tito was pretty girthy from what I could see in the rear view. Hopefully he will appreciate that

What stance did he use?

Mostly just your standard missionary. It's hard to get into too many other positions.

That was part of what was so amazing, I would get so bored doing missionary for that long I would have lost my boner.

Drugs might've been involved

What's the protocol if someone vomits in your cab?

The unwritten rule my cabbie mentor told me to enforce was to charge $50. It was hard to get people to pay that though, so I got really really good at learning to know when someone was gonna puke and pulling over. My puke reflexes were finely tuned

Have you ever driven someone and immediately regretted picking them up?

All the time. Probably the worst was this old dude from Dana Point who looked exactly like Hulk Hogan. He flashed a bunch of hundreds in my face, told me he was gonna 'hook me up' and then made me turn the meter off. I spent my entire night with him as he made me drive him to every single gay bar in Laguna Beach, and come inside with him where the bartenders (who ALL knew him) would think I was his date.

At the end of the night he tried to give me like 200 bucks, which would've barely covered my lease and gas. After I screamed at him like a crazy person for 20 minutes he finally gave me 200 more. But it was still a shitty night since I wasted the whole night with this weirdo

He also denied that he was gay and kept showing me his wedding ring like that was proof

How'd you get into driving cabs in the first place?

I used to play in punk bands around OC and there was this guy named Peter who owned a venue that my band played at. By day he was a taxi driver. We became friends and when I needed a job he got me into driving the cab.

what bands were you in?

Nobody even remotely big. Just your routine garage punk bands

Do you have any stories from bigger name bands that got started in the socal/OC area? The Offspring? Sublime? No Doubt? etc...

No, unfortunately. I went to the same high school as Gwen Stefani but not at the same time.

I knew the singer from Atreyu from playing shows, back when he was in a shitty punk band called Retribution and he worked at Del Taco. I remember when he told everybody he was gonna change the name's band to Atreyu, we all nearly shit ourselves laughing. We thought it sounded like the stupidest band name ever.

Did your friends ask you to drive them around a lot? Did you have to give them discounts?

What percantage of the money you got from customers did you actually get to keep?

Friends asked in the beginning but I had a very firm no free rides policy. No discounts either. I did have to drive my boss around for free a lot because you can legally drink in the back of a cab so he always wanted me to drive him places so he could get drunk on the way.

A normal lease when I drove was $575 a week so I kept whatever I made on top of that and gas money. Later I switched to just weekends (thurs/fri/sat) for $300 and made way more money doing that

Then why do the taxi's always tell me not to drink back there??

The law might be different in different places. Or maybe they just don't want to clean up after you

Have you ever done something you regretted while driving someone?

Other than driving drunk and high, calling the cops on a kid (part I neglected to mention because it's so assholish, he had already paid me half the fare but I told his mom I hadn't been paid at all. I felt bad about that but Peter always told me that's what you're supposed to do), I guess the thing I regretted the most was being mean to this quasi-homeless dude who used his guitar in downtown Huntington

He always wanted to talk with me while I was in line and I would get annoyed and tell him to go away so I could read a book. Later I felt shitty about because we basically had the same job. He would play songs for obnoxious drunks and they would make fun of him and throw dollars on the ground for him to pick up. Then I would drive them home and they'd do the same thing to me

Damn, man. I used to drive a cab in Detroit (98-01), and that's how I felt when I left: dehumanized. Scarier though, was when I started turning it around to view them as piles of money just waiting to go somewhere before I got to keep said cash. A screwed up perspective, and I'm glad I had the balls to walk away, even broke as a joke. Lesson learned. Thanks for striking a chord, man!

edit: killing my auto-correct.

Dude I have been to Detroit. I could not imagine driving a cab there. I feel for you

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I would come inside fairly often if I felt safe. Made the job more fun. I went in the Alien Ant Farm guys house. I would go into old ladies houses. One old woman baked me a cake once. I had a regular customer who I was sort of in love with who invited me into her house while she got ready. There were maybe 5 or 6 people there and she just introduced me as Ludo, not 'the cab driver' which is why I liked her.

While we waited for her to get ready I drank a few beers and smoked a bowl with these dudes. Then when she was finally done, they asked 'so are we gonna take a cab?' and she was like 'yeah, that's our driver right there'

They all looked horrified as I stumbled up and slurred 'that's me! I'm the cab driver!'

Did you ever ask her out ?

No, she was so far out of my league. She looked like she walked straight out of my dad's Playboys and into my cab

Who (besides Tito Ortiz) was your favorite person to get in your cab? Where did you take them?

I had a lot of great regulars that I drove. Another really cool celebrity was the lead singer from Alien Ant Farm. He had a house in Huntington. He didn't tell me who he was, we just kind of organically started talking about being in bands and when I dropped him off he asked if I wanted to come see his home studio. His wife was there so I figured it was safe. His studio was awesome. It wasn't until I saw the platinum record on the wall that I even realized who he was.

I still think his band is fucking terrible, but he was a really nice guy

That MJ cover though, that's my shit.

I hated that cover so much. Just listen to the original. And the fucking reverse mohawk he had in the video, dear lord.

Really really awesome guy though.

Can felons be cabbies?

No. You had to do a background check. You had to have a clean driving record. And you had to take monthly drug tests, although lots of cabbies just cheated on those.

Other than that though, anybody could drive a cab

how do you cheat, piss swap?

The way my mentor used to do it was to have me piss for him into a plastic baggie. Then he would boil the bag of piss until it was super hot. Then he would strap it to his body with this warmer thing that was supposed to be for people with bad backs. By the time he got to the facility it would be at body temperature. Worked every time.

Except one time he came back and was white as a sheet like he'd seen a ghost. I thought for sure he'd been caught. But he told me no, but when he pulled out the baggie he saw one of my pubes floating in it.

He had to reach into the bag of my piss and fish my pube out

Why didn't he just leave it?

I think he thought it would taint the sample. Better safe than sorry I guess

Alright I'm about to head off, thanks for all the great questions! I'll be around later to maybe answer some more.

I have a ton more stories on my website ludostories.com and I just put out a book with a total compilation of my experiences http://amzn.to/1he3Gsh.

Thanks so much everyone, this was fun

There must be someone more famous than tito ortiz that you've driven around..

I don't think so. Really famous people probably don't ride around in dirty cabs like mine.

I did drive Lauren Conrad from Laguna Beach once. She was nice, I just drove her from a bar in Laguna to her house up in the hills. The only really weird part was this was when that show had just come out and I had literally just masturbated to her hours before

If you had to drive one car as a cab driver,what would it be? Im guessing some easy to clean seats is part of it.

Dream car and why?

I really think the best car is a Ford Crown Vic with 300,000 miles on it. These were old police cruisers. I wouldn't have felt like a real cabbie in anything else.

A close second I guess would be a hummer because I would have KILLED with the bros and bro-hos

Did you develop any friendships or relationships with any of your customers?

A few yeah. I had one regular who I kept driving even after I didn't drive the cab anymore. I would just pick him up in my regular shitty Hyundai Accent which was ridiculous because he was rich. But he didn't care about a nice car, all he cared about was getting places on time and I could do that.

He was a tailor from Hong Kong who used to make two trips a year to the U.S. to measure people for custom made suits. He owned the business with his brother. Then one year I got a call from the brother instead and the brother came out and went the same route as my regular.

I found out the regular had died and the brother was out there measuring people, but also having to tell all these regular customers that their tailor had died.

Even though I had only actually interacted with him for a total of 20 hours, I was devastated. That was the best passenger I ever had.

Have you ever crashed or whats the closest you've come to or worst accident you have had while having a passenger in the cab?

Never crashed but I hit a car once at this gay club in Laguna Beach called the Boom Boom Room. I backed right up into a car. My passenger told me there was no damage. This might be because he was a married straight guy and he was leaving a club called the Boom Boom Room. But I took off anyway

15 minutes later I got a very angry call from dispatch asking if I had really just did a hit and run. He told me to get the hell back there before I got arrested.

I went back and apologized and almost got my ass kicked by a gay body builder (luckily the cops were there to protect me). The car I hit was FUCKED UP. Not a scratch on the cab

We all came here for the sex stories. The Ortiz one was great but we know there are more. Go!

One time I picked up a drunken hook up from Crabby's in Huntington. They were going to Long Beach, which is a pretty decent fare. They were making out, groping, nothing too crazy. Then he started unzipping his pants.

She whispered 'no, no, what are you doing, the driver can see us.'

I was happy she at least acknowledged my existence. But I don't want to cock block.

"Don't worry, it happens all the time. I'll keep my eyes on the road." I told them.

The guy pulled his dick out and she gave him some pathetic head. She was one of those 'just enough to shut you up' girls like in the Chris Rock joke. Naturally the dude cut the blowjob short and started taking her pants off.

"No," she kept saying, "I'm not gonna have sex in front of this guy."

Frustrated, the dude leaned up and said "cabbie, could you like, pull over and get out of the car?"

"Are you serious?" I said, "you want me to pull over and get out of my own car while you have sex in the backseat?"

"I'll give you a hundred bucks."

Done.

I pulled over behind a bar in Sunset Beach and got out of the car. I didn't want to go in the bar though, what would I do, order a water? So I just leaned up against the trunk and smoked a cigarette.

They did their business. A couple minutes later he rolled the window down and said they were ready to go.

The girl looked disappointed

There is a real high chance that blonde he was fucking was Jenna Jameson.

I would've recognized her faster than Tito. It wasn't

This other cabbie I knew, Big Donut, drove him once and had a nearly identical story except it was a brunette.

Do customers often leave their belongings in the cab? whats the most expensive item you've seen left behind?

Yeah it's pretty common, especially when you're dealing with drunks. Usually phones and wallets. I always tried to return these things in person if I could because usually they would tip you pretty well.

Probably the most valuable thing I found was this asian mom's camera. She was a young mom, still in her 20s and pretty hot. When I looked at the pictures on the camera the memory card was full of pornographic pictures. They looked pretty professional, I think she was a fetish model. In addition to the standard nude shots, there were Japanese school girl pics, bondage pics stuff like that.

I brought her back the camera the next day and she didn't even tip. I couldn't believe it. I just brought you back your camera full of pictures of you with a ball gag in your mouth and nipple clamps on your tits, and no fucking tip?

She probably didn't even care about the pictures. If it was professional, they were probably going on the internet anyways ...

I didn't have internet back then or else I would have tried really hard to find out who she was

How much does someone in your line of work make a year?

I never really kept track. I didn't pay taxes or anything. It was such a gamble. Some weeks I made a few hundred dollars, some weeks I actually lost money. Working for 12 hours and LOSING 150 bucks sucks.

What is your current job and how does it compare to being a taxi driver?

LOL, it's probably even worse actually. Driving the cab was sho shitty it motivated me to actually "do something" with my life. I went to college and then went to law school. Law school. In 2010. What a fucking stupid move that was.

I just graduated law school this year and I'm taking the bar in February. In the meantime I'm teaching the LSAT and working for the holidays at a department store

What is the most violent situation you've been in?

And how do you recognise these people/handle the situation. I'm asking this question because I have selfcontrol problems when I feel threatened. I'm going to be a taxi driver soon so I hope you can give me some tips! I want to handle the situations as gently as possible!

Luckily I was never in any violent situations. I carried pepper spray with me but I only ever had to use it once. I'm a pretty non confrontational person though.

My mentor Peter got in a lot more violent altercations than me. He used to carry a big ass Mag flashlight in the car and wouldn't hesitate to beat people with it if he had to

The best part about driving is that you're your own boss and you can do whatever you want. So feel free to kick people out of your car if they're dicks

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I never saw cabbies do anything shady but the shadiest behavior I heard about was rolling drunks, i.e. just taking someone's wallet when they were too drunk to function. Luckily I never became that big a scumbag

i used to drive for a pizza place and saw bunches o boobies for rides. im sure the price would be a lil steeper for a cab...care to share ?

Nah, I never accepted boobs for rides. I was too broke, I needed the money.

I did drive home a lot of drunk skanks from bars though so I saw my fair share of accidental boobs. and other body parts

one time i drove home this MILF from a club and she insisted on stopping at Jack in the Box. She ordered like a dozen tacos but then by the time we got up to the window she had passed out in the backseat. Her skirt had come all the way up around her waist, she had no underwear on, and she had a giant untamed jungle of a bush.

I woke her up and she paid. Then she fucking demolished all those tacos in record time and passed out again.

When we got to her house I turned around to wake her up and she had lettuce from the tacos all stuck in her hairy bush

I've always wondered this about cabbies in different areas: how well and in how much detail did you have to know OC/LA, and how much did you rely on GPS/maps/directions from the customers?

I kind of learned as I went. There was no training or anything. I was from north OC and I didn't go to clubs or bars or stay in nice hotels so when I first started I never knew where ANYTHING was. I just relied on people telling me. This was in the mid 2000s, there was no GPS in the car, I didn't have a smartphone or anything. If people really didn't know where they wanted to go I had a Thomas Bros.

What is the worst thing you have seen in a taxi?

This might not be what you're looking for, but the worst thing I ever saw in terms of pure sadness was this regular Lawyer Mike who used to pay for rides for this girl who had friendzoned him. They would leave HB in my taxi together and he would pay me to drive her home all the way to Westminster and then drive back to HB to take him home.

One time he paid for a ride for her and some douche she had met at a bar to go back to the douche's house. Then he had me drop him off at home and he was just silent the whole time.

I can't even imagine the heartbreak. Watching the girl you love go off to fuck some rando, and then having to pay for their ride

You never once asked the guy why he wasn't shopping his affection elsewhere?

Did you ever get involved with someone's personal affairs?

Oh yeah, I asked him why he was doing this. He wouldn't admit he was in love with her, he would just say stuff like "she's a nice girl, I just want her to find a nice guy, I just want her to be happy." but I didn't tell him he should stop paying for her rides home, he was paying me

People involved me in their personal affairs all the time. I heard about more relationship problems than I'd ever want to hear in a lifetime. I heard about people cheating constantly. I knew about passengers being gay who hadn't told anyone else in the world. It was always amazing how much people would share

Thanks for doing this interesting ama. Have you ever been put in a dangerous spot from one of your cab fares?

OC is pretty safe. We didn't even have the plastic partition between the front and back like most cabs have. Honestly the only stories you ever heard of cabbies getting beaten up were by racists. There are a lot of Nazis in Huntington Beach (there is a good article from Vice that talks about this). There was a cabbie I knew who got his ass kicked right in front of a crowded bar in Costa Mesa. He had a wife and kids. Shit was fucked up

Have you ever been robbed? Is it legal for a cabbie to install a security camera in the cab?

Thank God no. I know it happened to a few cabbies but it was pretty rare. Driving in OC isn't like driving in a big city. Sometimes I would drop people off in LA but I would almost never pick up there. I stuck to my obnoxious rich drunks

I think it is legal because I heard that the company I used to work for is installing cameras in all the cabs. I don't know if it's to protect the cabbies or the customers though

What is the craziest way someone skipped out of a fare that you've experienced?

I generally didn't let people skip out on me. Peter had the door locks fixed so we could lock people in. This is illegal of course but I couldn't imagine driving without it.

One time I got too trusting and let this 13 year old kid go into his house to get the rest of the fare. He never came back out and I called the cops on him. Two squad cars showed up and pounded on his door like it was a crack house. I think he was hiding under his parents bed. Eventually his mom came home and I got my money

What is your favorite Sleater Kinney tune?

Probably Little Babies

Have you ever had someone leave faeces in your backseat? Do you find that the odour is exacerbated by the heat of the OC? How did you disinfect?

God no. I would've killed them. Just cum, blood, puke, alcohol, and tears.

This other cabbie I knew, Big Donut, had a guy stand up turn around and piss all over his back seat once. But Big Donut was an idiot so he didn't even kick the guy out or charge extra or anything.

I just used windex and paper towels to clean up. It probably wasn't that sanitary back there

How often did you give your car a thorough wash? Was there any incentive to?

For most of the time I drove I was the weekend driver for this guy Peter. He insisted I wash the car every Sunday. He was really anal about it. He had a particular car wash I had to go to, and I always had to get the most expensive package but we had a deal with the owner for a discount.

That car was his baby. He wouldn't even let me put Arco gas in it. One time I filled up at Arco anyway because it's always the cheapest and when I returned the car he said "you put Arco in this didn't you??" I couldn't believe he could tell. I admitted it and apologized and said I would never do it again. But I asked how he knew and he said "you just told me." I couldn't believe I fell for that

did you have much contact with law enforcement while working?

I worked a lot in Huntington Beach which has an insane amount of cops. I remember reading some statistic like they had one of the highest ratios of cops to citizens in the country. So I dealt with them a lot because they would put drunks in my car. And if you ever had to call the cops on a fare that wouldn't pay, if you were in HB they showed up FAST. one time I called the cops on a junior high school kid and two fucking squad cars showed up

Outside of HB though there was no real leniency with cops. I got a ton of speeding tickets when I drove

[deleted]

Oh yeah, all the time. The thing I loathed most about it is that if I was on that street it meant I was probably working in Irvine. I hated working Irvine. It's the most soulless city I've ever seen in my life. Everything looks the same. Every shopping center looks like it was copy and pasted. I always got lost there

After all this time, and all these pretty ludicrous things that have happened, have you ever felt unsafe during work? Alternate question: have you ever considered quitting?

Edit: Oops, should've googled Ludacris/ludicrous..

I did quit. I haven't done this in years. But there are so many good stories just from the short time I drove. It's a crazy job

What was the absolute farthest anyone ever asked you to drive?

Answered elsewhere, Vegas. But we only made it to state line. And I only did that because they paid up front. Other than that the furthest I went regularly was to LAX. I liked doing lots of short rides instead of long ones. Who wants to be in the car that long with a stranger? That's why I never went the long way or anything either. I wanted them out as fast as possible

Hilarious story.

Have you considered taking up taxi driving again post law school?

I live in Chicago now and I think I would hate driving here. Everybody drives so fucking slow. You know what the speed limit is on the freeway here? 55. On the fucking freeway. I would go bankrupt from speeding tickets

I've really been considering doing Lyft though. This is a service where you drive around with a pink mustache on your car and I think it is only used by hipsters. That could yield some good stories

I one time had a cabbie refuse to take me to wendy's before going home, would you refuse me the joy of drunken wendy's if i asked?

Absolutely. This is cab driving 101. Time spent in a drive thru is time wasted. Wait time meters way less than drive time. Especially if it was around bar close no decent cabbie is gonna want to waste time in a drive thru

Sorry bro

Not a question, but a confession from a crappy customer (me):

My friends and I were just turning 21 at the time and took a trip to Vegas. Our hotel was on the strip and we had plans to meet our other friends at a club at a different hotel.

Being that it was a Saturday night, the taxi line was very long and we waited a good 30 minutes for our taxi. We finally hopped in the taxi and told him our destination hotel. He was PISSED! The hotel was one that was directly next door. Being that it was our first time in Vegas and in an era before smartphones, we didn't realize this until the cabbie told us. He still took us to our destination, but apparently he was waiting in the queue at our previous hotel for a very long time for our quick fare.

loool. I would have just gave you the directions and not lost my spot in line

How do you drive in GTA? Have your driving habits been influenced by your cabbie experience?

I always play as Franklin and use that driving slo mo

In real life, yeah I still drive like a maniac. I don't do anything that assholish like drive on the shoulder or anything. I only cut people off if they're doing something ridiculous. But yeah I always feel like I'm in a hurry.

For a couple months after I drove I would slam on the brakes as a reflex when I saw someone trying to flag a cab.

Did you ever did a service to a fine wealthy costumer without being payed?

Hell no. My mentor always used to tell me a good story in the cab HAS to end with getting paid or getting laid. Nobody that wasn't disgusting ever tried to fuck me so I had to make sure I always got paid

Didn't you just do one of these? Just curious if I'm losing my mind ...

I tried doing one last night but I was on my phone and I didn't really know what sufficient proof would be. I messaged the mod brownboy13 and he said link to the website would suffice

Have you ever had to chase down a customer who tried to stiff you?

No. Like I said, I locked people in the car. I'm not exactly an athlete, I ain't running after anybody

Great story, OP. How long did you drive the cab? Why did you stop?

Only for a year. My license from OCTAP was good for a year so when it expired I never renewed it. I had gotten another job. But even if I didn't I probably still would've stopped. It sucked

What would you estimate was the number of boobs, or other bits, you saw in a given week? Your BPW as it were?

I actually think I saw more dicks than boobs. Backseat blowjobs were relatively common. Probably at least one a week. I only saw boobs maybe once every two weeks and most of the time it was on accident when a chick in a skimpy outfit just passed out and shit popped out

What do you think about Uber/Lyft? Are you going to hop on board?

I don't like that you can't make reservations on Uber. I got stranded in fucking West Covina trying to get a ride to Burbank airport because no uber drivers would go out there.

Lyft seems cool but I don't know too much about. It looks like I would just be driving hipsters around Wicker Park and Logan Square? Wouldn't be bad. I'd get sick of cleaning up PBR though

What's your craziest story?

Everybody who gets in the cab always asks this. I don't really have one. I used to ask Peter what I should say and he said he would tell them "One time I killed this passenger who asked stupid questions."

He was a lot more intimidating than me, I could never really pull that off

What kind of cab vehicles have you driven? Have you had the opportunity to drive nicer cars for someone?

I only drove the standard issue cab, a Ford Crown Victoria. I never drove a van or a town car or anything like that. If I had stayed in the business for longer I would've gotten a black town car because the rich kids loved those

Did you carry any weapons in your care in case of emergencies

No, just pepper spray. A lot of dudes carried pepper spray. I know a couple guys had guns in the glove box but I never felt like that was necessary

Nobody, not even the nice fares, treat you like a human being. At worst you get treated like a servant, at best just ignored.

I always treat cab drivers nice and have conversations with them. Even the really fucking weird ones. I had 2 cab drivers (partners I guess) drive my daughter and I from a port to an airport (100.00+ fare). It was awkward as fuck as they showed me their gun they kept in the glovebox, stopped at a convenience store for drinks and told me all these crazy stories about ghetto fares, etc... I just put headphones on my 8 year old and continued to indulge the weirdest cab drivers I have ever had to deal with.

Maybe fares in the midwest are nicer?

I think my location had a lot to do with my impressions of the job. Southern Orange County is absolutely full of assholes

Sort of off-topic, but has anyone from the legal industry reached out to you since your blog started to take off?

Yes. Not ready to talk about it yet but I've got some interesting emails

Cool stories, bro! Thanks for sharing. Here's my Q:

What kind of people used taxi services? Were they all just drinking partiers? Did you have other types of people that regularly used cabs for different reasons?

I only drove drunks but yeah there a lot of people that regularly took cabs. My mentor Peter only worked in the mornings and drove old ladies to the doctor. There was a program with this city called Laguna Woods (which is basically a retirement community that grew so big it became it's own city) where the city helped pay for old people to take cabs to the doctor, or to the grocery store, stuff like that. It sounded boring as shit.

Did you like the job? Were you ever worried about being robbed or some psycho trying to strangle you or something? Ever thought about driving a limo? Can driver be good money?

I didn't like the job. Other than getting good stories out of it. It was stressful and the people usually sucked.

Some people can make good money. There was an old vet in Huntington who had built up a big cache of regulars. He didn't even take calls off the computer or flags, he worked solely on personals. He told me made like $70K a year which is pretty awesome for a dude who didn't finish high school

Who did you talk to on the phone the most?

I never ever talked on the phone. I don't even like talking on the phone

I live in Chicago now and these fuckers are ALWAYS on the phone. Who the hell are they even talking to?

How do you prefer your eggs to be cooked?

Depends. If I'm at a diner in the middle of the night, sunny side up. At home usually medium, over some chilaquiles

Call me a skeptic, but I don't think that your own website and twitter account are adequate corroboration.

Damn you caught me. I had nothing better to do than lie about being a cab driver, invent a ton of stories about this fake job, and spend hours of my day answering questions about it. Good work detective