IAM a seven-time New York Times bestselling author (Neil Strauss), AMA.

Hi Neil,

Thanks for doing this AMA. I need a quick male opinion on something. Btw I can only stay for a second since I’m meeting up with some friends later but I’m starting to work out and am deciding between using free weights or resistance bands. What do you think works better?

Did you just "False Time Constraint" Neil Strauss?

Talk about crashing and burning on my part. I'll see myself out now.

Edit: Fixed

No wait, don't leave. Where are you going? We were just starting to have a good time.

I see a false time constraint, the opinion ice breaker, placing value on oneself, and then general interest in an opinion.

This fucker probably just seduced Neil Strauss.

BTW neil - I've no questions for you. I loved The Game :)

Neil Strauss is doing a freeze-out.

I swear this is a true story. I went to a high school in LA and you crashed our prom after party (Universal Hilton). You ended up taking the virginity of a girl named Roseanna. You didn't call her afterwards. She cried a lot. Do you remember any of this and can confirm or have you been so knee deep in hollywood pooty for so long that this qualifies as a mere blip?

I Am Woody Harrelson.

How much of The Game is factually accurate vs. dramatization? I find it hard to believe you could capture all those quotes from all those people verbatim and then write about them later?

It is all accurate. What helped was: taking notes in the moment and immediately afterward. Also, at ProHo, once guys knew who I was, I started recording things. And I think in retrospect what really allowed me to put everything in there was the fact that when you were in the field, you were thinking, "I can't wait to go home and write a field report about this." So you were always immediately, while it was fresh, writing out a word by word, blow by blow, report for other guys.

And no pun intended on blow by blow (before someone else says something to that effect).

I don't want to speak for him, but I think he's been sued multiple times for libel (and won all of the suits). That's only pertaining to the celebrities he dealt with though- I'm not sure about some of the other stuff.

I do know though that he's a writer, and he structured the book in a certain way to make it more dramatic. So he probably stretched the truth in a lot of instances, and probably straight-up lied in some cases. As far as certain quotes though, he was originally posting on asf (the original "seduction" forum), so he made sure to write down most of his experiences right after they happened. That's just how he rolled, since he really was just trying to tell a story about how the "seduction community" works.

What changed is that some people didn't want to be in the book, so I changed their names or made them composite characters.

Hi Neil. [reposted from seddit]

I am a dude who read The Game, and it opened my eyes. Just wanted to say how absolutely much reading it changed my life. Absolutely amazing book.

Now that I am older in life, and having done PUA, I realized my shortcomings were not with women - it was myself. PUA, for me, is complete and utter bullshit now. Everything in it is just breaking it down to a level that makes dudes insecure about what they are doing, and just makes their problems worse. It did for me. I have had major successes in my life just by working on myself and trying to be happy. Women included.

I am not sure how often you coach on specific titles such as PUA anymore, or if it is more a self-improvement kind of thing, but how many people have you run into that have noticed the same thing? Do you feel as if the PUA community, as it is today, has lost its touch and just plays on the insecurities of men, or do you feel that it could still do some good for the awkward 18yr old that's never gotten laid and had a horrible childhood?

Thanks again, I am absolutely excited to read all the responses to this AMA! I have been passionate about this stuff for many years.

First of all, that's a great insight. And think about this: your experiences with pua got you to this insight, so are they bullshit then? Because what you did and describe as working for you sounds to me like The Game. But it also sounds like you came across some bad marketing or teachers.

I am absolutely THRILLED you took the time to answer my question. Thank you.

It is a very catch-22 kind of deal - I wouldn't be where I am today without it, yet despise all that is out there right now. Alot of what I learned were 'outside' factors, things that you could do on the 'outside' of yourself. PUA to me right now, is just a big blanket for REAL insecurities - they NEED the satisfaction of approval from a woman, laying down the best line to get the hottest chick and saying all the right things using all the right professional 'techniques'. The problem, I think with alot of men, is that they are never going to be OK enough with themselves, to just admit that whatever they're doing, doesn't fucking matter. It is YOU. Only YOU know YOURSELF. PUA just breaks it down to a level that I believe most dudes will just find overwhelming. There will NEVER be a perfect line for a specific girl, and I believe that PUA perpetuates that and leads men on to believe that there is, which eventually leads to self-worth issues.

IMHO, most men go into PUA because they are looking on how to get better with women - that, itself, is an 'outside' factor. I would probably venture to say that almost all men go into PUA for this, but I don't know for sure - just what I've picked up on from the years of reading forum posts after forum posts after field report after field report. There could be the exception, a dude who just wants to be genuinely better with women. But, why would a dude who already has it (a 'natural'), get into PUA? They don't need it.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I have been mulling over this stuff for a few years.

I think most men go in for women, but somewhere along the line realize it's not about women and never was--it's about themselves. In fact, most of the routines are not about "tricking women," they're about tricking OURSELVES into being comfortable with women.

Is there any way for a girl to go from a friends-with-benefits situation to something more serious?

To me this seems like the female equivalent of the "friend zone."

That is a GREAT question. And SO true.

And here's your answer: people tend to step up when they have a fear of losing something.

So if he sees a guy is interested in you, and you may be interested in him, his feelings may start to change.

What turns off a guy a girl is sleeping with is the same thing that turns off a girl a guy wants to sleep with: desperation and neediness. So eliminate those from your behavior in the friends-plus-ship.

You were stuck in the spam filter.

It is fixed and Verified.

https://twitter.com/#!/neilstrauss

Wow, how did it snag this one? Title looks legit to me

Reddit spam filter doesn't give a fuck who you are.

Everyone is guilty.

Thank you.

Cross posting this from the other thread since I think I got it in there too late.

Neil-

Some critics of you and the seduction community assert that there is an undercurrent of misogyny in the community. Do you think this criticism is warranted?

In your own experience with the community, do you think any of those practicing PUA had or have psychological issues?

Oh, absolutely, a lot of the guys have psychological issues. I think everyone has psychological issues, in the world, just about--no one was raised perfectly. But I think the psychological issues in the community are more about men's low self-esteem, and not about negative attitudes towards women. In fact, as I write it, I realize their negative attitude is only toward themselves. So if their experience in the community fixes this, then that's a good thing.

I just need to say Thank You, you clever devil. I am no longer a PUA, but your advice helped me transition out of that godforsaken, desperation that I called the friend zone, and into a committed relationship where I beat out many other suitors by being the most magnetic.

Hope you read this, dont care if you dont. Either way, you are truly a guiding force. Thank you.

I think you won the game. Seriously, congratulations.

What was one of your worst blowouts/rejections? [I.e. the girl just freaks out/goes weird/her friends just completely start attacking]

Funny that you ask that, because I think it says more about your fears. Most guys do NOT experience horrific blowouts. Usually it's just someone saying "I have a boyfriend" or "I have to go to the bathroom" or just being a little cold and distant.

The questions says more about your own limiting beliefs, so get out there and approach people and prove yourself wrong.

Hi Neil,

How do you feel the Pickup Artist show on Vh1 affected the seduction community? Also, did any of those people in the show go on to become teachers in the community?

I think it ended up getting a lot more people into it. And I thought it sympathetically portrayed the guys trying to learn it and, since the viewership was more women than men, actually helped in the end.

And I don't know if any of the guys teach it, but I know a lot of them are around and still practicing it. Great group of guys, and I see them as much as I can.

The toughest thing for them was they didn't get enough teaching on the show. The producers wouldn't let Mystery interact with them when the cameras weren't rolling, and the teaching time was really limited.

But thought the show was great and fun, both seasons.

Maybe the only negative affect was that it made Mystery and his style of peacocking so famous (in both good and bad ways) that it burned out any guy really ever being able to do it that way. That said, was never a huge fan of the more Vegas-style/pimp-style/circus-style peacocking, and there are plenty of other ways to stand out.

How do you feel about the monetizing of the pickup community?

I feel like it's made it confusing for guys getting into it now. In the past, you'd go to the main forums and there was this free exchange of information. Now all the information comes with a price tag, and you don't know if it's from someone who's credibly using it with success or if it's just a good marketer with no social skills whatsoever trying to make money.

That's why communities like this are great: truth is (generally) sorted from bs pretty quickly.

How do you complain about the seduction industry when you charge $100,000 for a personal bootcamp? And when you charged thousands of dollars for a set of DVDs of you repeating this same advice that's freely available everywhere.

How do you justify that?

You marketed with stuff like this "The Forbidden LAS VEGAS technique" which turned out to be just an acronym for dressing well and having some attractive qualities, that everybody already posted about.

I charge $100,000 for them, because I don't want to do them. I like writing books, and am doing my best to scare people away. It appears to be working.

Hi, I've heard you often get a lot of hate from women and I just wanted to say that I actually appreciate what you did. Honestly, I prefer getting hit on by a guy who knows what he is doing than someone being creepy and coming close when he shouldn't. I love my boyfriend the way he is, but I also think reading The Game (amongst other things) just made him more confident. Confident guys are just easier to talk to... and it makes them sexy :)

Your boyfriend is a lucky guy. Because it's really important that women understand and empathize with guys (and vice verse), rather than judging them for being...well, guys.

I think most hate, not just about The Game but anything, comes from fear. I think it's very hard to hate from a perspective of understanding and empathy.

[deleted]

Probably in my early 20s started losing my hair. The biggest mistake I made was:

1. Not growing a huge crazy 'fro while I had the chance.

2. Waiting so long to just shave it off, and going around for years trying to hide the bald spot and receding hairline. Hiding anything you're insecure about is generally not good. Like Mystery said in the book, if you can't fix it, feature it.

I asked this in the other part, didn't know if you didn't get to it, were still working on it, thought it didn't belong, or something. Anyway:

1. How is your relationship with Tyler Durden, Mystery, Ross Jeffries, Steve P? How are they doing, if you know? What do you like about each of the schools now, espcially RSD?

2. Pick up is now generally moving away from routines/indirect and towards just pure direct intent. How do you feel about this? What did you take away from routines?

3. What are some of the most interesting and extreme positive and negative reviews/responses of The Game that you've seen?

4. What are some routines that you're actually glad to know, as opposed to general conversation? For example, I thought the threesome thing was a pretty neat idea.

5. How have your views on building and maintaining relationships changed from the end of The Game to now? Alternatively, what would you from right now say to yourself from 7 years ago?

6. Any newer pua/coaches who's stuff you like?

7. Do you still hang out with Tom Cruise or Courtney Love? How have they been doing?

8. Are you still meeting people (like in clubs or wherever)? How were the PUAs back in the day, like realistically, how good were they and what stuff did they do right and differently. And have you gone out with newer puas?

Okay, let me get to a few of these, then ask any I missed later:

1. I've seen all of them this year, and am on good terms with all. Feel like they were all part of my life and integral to the book.

2. Trends in pickup are kind of idiotic. One does what works. I'm sure someone will ask me specifically about direct vs indirect, so if they don't ask that again so I can share my thoughts on it. Feel like you should read, considering your question.

3. Seems the responses to the book are either those who've read it (and are generally positive) and those who haven't (and are generally negative). Think a lot of people think the book is something it isn't.

4. See The Routines Collection in the paperback edition of Rules of The Game. Those are my new favorites. (Not trying to plug--if you email my manofstyle email tomorrow, will send you a few for your eyes only--only for you).

More answers to come...

Do you still keep in touch with Courtney Love?

Yes, talked to her for like two hours yesterday, and used to stay at her place in LA. If I can get it, will show you a photo of what was under the bed. Remind me later if I forget.

just wanted to share a little pearl of wisdom from my boxing coach - he told us "look guys, there's no single right way to be a boxer - if you're hitting your opponent more than he's hitting you, you're doing it right! i'm just showing you what works best for most people".

thought that was applicable to pick up among a lot of other things.

Great quote.

Hi Neil

Having read The Game and Emergency, what would you say is the most important life skill you've developed?

Thanks for taking the time to do this!

For sure, the most important life skill is developing good instincts (through experience), and then trusting them. And that is a life skill that's with you forever.

Your responses make it seem like you are a Redditor and probably have been for a while. True? (And if so, why wait so long to do an AMA??)

I'm a lurker. But thank you. Was concerned about doing this. But I am addicted to the IAmAs. Especially the ones with unique life experiences. So was inspired by their candor, courage, and stories. And also by requests I kept seeing here.

Hi Neil,

Have you ever had approach anxiety, if so how do you deal with it?

Yes, and in fact, the better I got, the more approach anxiety I developed. This is because people start to know who you are, and expect miracles and no failures. There is only one way to get over it: to approach. Right away. The longer you wait, the more the fear builds. Just accept it as a normal evolutionary response, but also a vestigial holdover fear from a tribal society that no longer really has a purpose.

[deleted]

Good question:

1. Either I'd have a "party" and invite them. Or call and say I just had a dream they were in. (Dream was always PG and fun, not anything romantic/sexual in any way.)

2. Bring a pad of paper, and pencil. i remember meeting a couple Czech girls in Croatia who didn't speak English, and we drew a clock with hour/minute hands to communicate when to meet.

Hi Neil! As a girl who was trying to improve myself at the same time that "The Game" was popular amongst everyone I knew, I read it, and realized that my whole life I've been brushing off people who were interested in me as some sort of mix-up. Coming to that realization had a big impact on where I am romantically now, so I just wanted to say thanks.

That is exactly what I was hoping for women who read the book. I actually wrote it as much for women as for men, for that exact reason. Great to hear!

Hi Style,

What's your opinion of The Blueprint Decoded?

Have your feelings about Tyler changed since releasing The Game? Should I feel bad giving into his teachings?

THANKS!!

Actually, Tyler came to speak at a seminar I had a few months ago. Was great to see him and reconnect. He showed some incredible in-field videos that were evidence that the guy has balls of steel. Great escalation and cocky/funny/teasing/pebbles.

And you shouldn't feel bad, if it's working for you. In the end, the problems were really a function of living together, more than anything else..

Dear Neil:

I'm impressed by your books, bust most importantly I read "The Game" over and over again. And I'm still so interested by the chapters that include PROJECT HOLLYWOOD.

My question to you is; Was Project Hollywood as intense as you described it, or was it flared up some for sake of the book?

Thanks!

It was that intense and more. Had to leave a lot out of the book. Think about reality shows when a bunch of people are living together, then add Mystery and Courtney Love to the mix (lots of Courtney questions so far)--and you'll realize what would be abnormal is if there was no intensity!

Read The Game and loved it. Two questions:

1. Why didn't you bang Courtney Love?

2. How would you use game in a small college setting, where everyone knows everyone else?

1. She wasn't in the most "bangable" condition at the time (mental condition).

2. Absolutely, but if it's a small town and you see everyone a lot, you don't have to make sure you do EVERYTHING in one meeting. Each time you see them, you can add a little piece and let the attraction grow more naturally (and also more subtly).

You've met all kinds of people form all walks of life - who is the biggest out-and-out asshole?

Interesting question, and I've had people be rude, but generally it was just a wall, and once I got through it, they turned out to be a great person. I suppose assholes are like bitches: we think someone is like that, but that's only because they somehow threatened our sense of self and self-esteem--and if we see them with empathy, in most cases, we realize they're just as insecure as we are, if not more so.

What was the hardest book to write and likewise the funnest?

Love your work, The Game was brilliant

I think the hardest book was The Dirt with Motley Crue. At every point, one guy in the band was mad at another guy in the band, and threatening to drop out of the group and the book project. Where the Marilyn Manson book took 3 months of interviewing, this took like two years. But a fun two years.

Hi,

I'm a mod at /r/pickup4dykes and am about to read The Game (it's on hold for me at the library right now - hope you don't mind me not paying for it!). Which of your books would you recommend for women interested in picking up women?

I'd read The Game and Rules of the Game of mine, maybe someone else here wants to recommend others more specifically on the subject. But it applies. Just had a Twitter discussion recently with a woman reading it to meet women, and have had female couples come up to me.

Hey Neil. I read The Game (good job, by the way, it inspired me to read Ulysses) and Emergency and took a trip with my friend out to California to try to find the cache you hid. I got to Big Basin and to the Lane camp site, but there were a couple clues we just couldn't figure out, and the others we did figure out seemed worthless without the rest. How close were we? Also, has anyone found it yet? And what's the reward for it?

The 25 paces east clue (or however many paces it was, I don't have the book in front of me) was especially frustrating, because 1) I couldn't figure out where to start pacing from, and 2) even if I could, I'm taller than you, so I could easily wind up a couple meters off mark. The other thing, how deep is it buried? Is that one of the clues I couldn't figure out?

No way, and how'd you like Ulysses? Hope you had some help when you read it. And hey, I can't say what are it may or may not be. But good for you, and no one has found it yet. And it's not buried more than 2 or so feet deep.

Hi Neil, just wanted to say I love your books, most of all the Game, Rules of the Game and Everyone Loves You When Your Dead, so many good quotes and stories in there.

I have a few questions from the field. Whats your general rule of thumb for "shit tests"? I'm not always the best a witty come backs.

Whats a good come back when a girl asks you to buy her a drink, take her out to dinner, or puts prerequisites for sex out there (ex. "I want the first time together to be special.... there should be chocolates, candles, flowers...")

With shit tests, if you're not quick on your feet, write down the common one and figure out some good answers. Guys can help here or in r/seddit.

And prerequisites to sex are weird, takes away the spontaneity. I'd say,something like, "What makes you think I'm going to put out? I'm not easy, you know. (pause) Despite what everyone else here, will tell you."

SO there's the answer to your shit test challenge: always best if rather than addressing it directly, you REFRAME.

Hi Neil, thanks for taking the time to do this AMA. Got a bunch of questions but I'll put them all into one.

Are you still what that girl you ended up going in a relationship with that you mentioned at the end of your book The Game? Also how many women have you slept with would you say since you first got into the seduction game, a rough estimate?

Lisa and I (the girl from the end) lived together, but eventually broke up. Still on good terms though.

And never counted or quantified.

Did you ever succeed in going 30 days without an orgasm?

Never!

Interesting username, just read an interesting manifesto by William Hazlitt (I think), called On the Pleasure of Hating.

What kind of toilet paper do You use?

2-ply.

Hello Neil. I have had the pleasure of reading your book(The Game) a couple of years ago, basically after one of the toughest emotional episodes I've been through since birth(22 here), and it came via friend recommendation.

Thing is, it was "prescribed" to me as relaxation and/or smiles-provider rather than "tips & tricks on getting back on your feet and losing the oneitis". I have to say, to this day, I still consider it an amazing, well written, compelling piece of literature combined with biography rather than a manual for crash-test dummies.

In simpler lines, I only wish to thank you for filling the world with a bit of positivism and the introduction of some re-thinking and reinventing thy self patterns.

But as it IS an AMA, I guess I'll pop a question as well :) So here it goes: Do you really think ANYONE can improve their AFC status? I always keep on thinking that it's a great means of self-improvement for the better looking part of the population, as opposed to less/or undesirable looking people(I kind of find myself swimming in this latter crowd, as I'm a 22 y.o who suffered 3rd and 4th degree burns on more than 30% of my body). What I'm trying to say is, people like me have to work ten-times fold to even get accepted in society, and it's something you can only WORK on, unless you sit on a shitload of money that can rebuild your traits through surgery.

What's there in-store for us? How do we find appreciation, human-connection and why not even love? :)

TL;DR: [appreciation and personal opinions on Neil Strauss work...]

Do you really think ANYONE can improve their AFC status?

What's there in-store for undesirable looking people? How do we find appreciation, human-connection and why not even love?

I like the way it was described, and very cool. Thank you for saying that: most people think of it as this crass how-to lad's manual, when, you're right it's really a memoir of a pivotal period in my life.

Like your attitude. And the answer to your question is YES, absolutely. Just look up Sean Stephenson. And he just got married.

As said below, what you can't fix, you feature. You don't need to rebuild your traits. You just need to build up your personality. And it just has to be a little more positive, funny, intelligent, and outgoing than the next guy's to compete---and I promise you, because I've seen it with many people with all types of handicaps, you will be able to compete with ANYONE.

Can peacocking be so outrageous that it ends up becoming detrimental to the game?

Yes, the line is: Are you wearing the clothes or are they wearing you?

Whatup Neil.

Where / how do you come up with the cold reading personality games, i.e. "The Cube," or "Style's EV." I really like these types of conversation pieces.

Readings tons of fun books and websites on those, then testing them in the field. Enjoying doing them is the best way for them to be effective. 5 Questions game and bar cons are also really fun. Those two you mentioned are my favorites though.

Hi Neil --

If you could tell everyone who read The Game just one additional fact using what you've learned since then, what would it be?

Thanks -- great answers, so far =)

How about four:

Rule one of AA: Life is fun if you open your mouth.

Rule two: You’re always in the field.

Rule three: We miss 100 percent of the shots we don’t take.

Rule four: The only failure is not approaching

Oh Man, I loved The Dirt. When's the movie coming out?

Thanks. The script is written, by Rich Wilkes, incredible! But don't know what's going on with the movie. Think a guy named Rick Yorn is producing, so let's get him to do an AMA and put the pressure on!

Hey Neil, thanks for writing the books you did. My best friend and roommate and I actually built most of our friendship from learning to wingman each other and reading your books.

The best opener we came up with was asking girls if they think taking someone to the shooting range is a good first date. Usually it was a pretty polarizing question, and most girls loved to talk about it. It also gave us a lot of insight into what type of girl they are when it comes to excitement. The girls that really wanted to go to a shooting range for a date were always easier to talk to.

What do you think of this opener? I've always wanted to ask you.

Isn't it incredible? Some of the strongest male friendships are built through the shared experience of winging. That's an aspect of The Game that often isn't discussed.

And I like that opener, and I like how it bridges into a second meeting, though at the same time, it could also be a scary opener for some woman: sometimes, um, it's good to avoid topics like guns and serial killers when first meeting someone...

I ruined a relationship by not realizing how important it was to me, and now I have a serious case of one-itis while she's moved on. How do I get her back, or get over her?

Isn't that so true: people don't appreciate it while they have it, then when it's gone they do.

My sincere guess is that this is mostly your ego state. And as soon as you have her back and are confident that the relationship is 100 percent on again, you will start not appreciating her again.

So first you have to examine your true intentions and motivations here. Because if you do get her back, and then change your mind again or have doubts again, that's not fair to her.

I'm on my phone between classes but hopefully this won't get buried:

How did you get started in journalism? How did you make your way to the Rolling Stone? Any advice to a soon to be college grad looking to (roughly) emulate your career as a journalist/author?

Got it.

And it was an internship during college that got me started. Hey, if you're willing to work for free, there's no end to the amount of people who will be willing to exploit you.

Seriously, best way to get experience. And once I was writing for that small magazine (called Ear, R.I.P.), then I started writing for a slightly bigger one, then slightly bigger, until eventually Rolling Stone.

So advice for you is: internships, and be willing to pay your dues and do the hard work and put in the Gladwellian 10,000 hours.

What was the best, most used piece of knowledge you gained from researching "Emergency" or said another way:

What technique have you employed most often in your life since learning it?

Lockpicking.

Just kidding, actually it's the EMT skills. Knowing how the human body works, and what to do when something goes wrong, is an incredible life skill. When you see a car accident or someone collapses on the street, you won't be rubber-necking, you'll know what to do to help them.

There are people who've read the book and actually saved the lives of loved ones through either the basic Red Cross or the EMT certifications they got.