I am @ThatKevinSmith. I'm 41, I have moobs, and I made CLERKS once. I'm an AMA bottom so fill me up!

Thanks a million for Dogma! That is all.

I remember sitting in church at age 13 and starting to write that movie without even knowing it. I'm the kind of Catholic that snickers whenever the priest said "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord..." I been cumming with the Lord's name since I been shooting pearls out my pea-shooter.

But I recently returned to my childhood parish to take a look around: Our Lady of Perpetual Help in Highlands. It was trippy: Mister Tauro (an usher from my childhood) was still there, passing out the collection basket like he did when I was a pup.

OLPH is where DOGMA came from: On the church's 100th anniversary in 1983, the diocese and Rome allowed OLPH to offer plenary indulgences for anyone who passed through the church's front doors on the appointed celebration day. So I was 13 when the ideas for DOGMA started forming. 15 years later, I'd make a movie about some dopey shit I used to think about/struggle with while sitting in church Sunday after Sunday.

I need a variation of that famous Christian bumper sticker JESUS IS MY CO-PILOT that reads instead JESUS IS MY CO-WRITER.

Wanna see what young Kev looked like? This is me and Jason Mewes, circa 1991...

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFBE8D735339AD977&feature=edit_ok

Are Salma Hayek's tits as fantastic in life as they are on screen?

I learned from an early age that I'm a sucker for the dickless set. So in an effort to keep shit civil and fair across the boards, I've always been a neck-up kinda guy.

Don't get me wrong: I love titties as much as the next lesbian. But libido can cloud judgment and make a guy act a fool. So from 14 on, I've always tried to deal with women like I deal with men: from the neck up. I don't stare at dudes' tits or dicks: why, then, would I ogle chicks I'm not fucking or have no chance of ever fucking. There's a time for looking at breasts: It's when the shirt's coming off and she's smiling at you lustily. 'til that glorious moment ever happened, it was always eyes-to-eyes for me. It's all friendly until someone wants to cum.

You can't get anything done in this life if you're constantly thinking "I wonder what she looks like naked...?" about every woman you meet. Best to treat 'em all like you treat the guys.

That's why I dig my wife so much. Jen Schwalbach is a woman I can ogle the fuck out of and it's civil, proper, even expected and preferred. With her, I'm all neck-DOWN. Not even sure Jen has eyes, to be honest. But fuck, does she have lady parts that tickle my dick.

I do a podcast with my wife and you can even HEAR what a pussy-whipped poon-hound I am for her: http://smodcast.com/channels/plus-one/

Is there ever going to be another Clerks Movie? Or how about Jay and Silent Bob? Have you considered doing a Jay and Silent Bob vs. Zombies movie?

There will be another Jay & Silent Bob flick next year: JAY & SILENT BOB'S SUPER GROOVY CARTOON MOVIE!

As for CLERKS... Well, I'm working on something for Dante and Randal right now, in my spare time...

I hope Kevin answers, but when I saw him a couple months ago he said he was done with movies. I guess that could change but it didn't sound like he was that interested in making more movies.

I'm done directing film for the movie theaters, yes. Got one more to do then I wanna spend the rest of my life trying out some of the other arts as well.

A life in the arts rocks, kids. Leads to fun shit like this...

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFBE8D735339AD977&feature=edit_ok

I have always loved you for the movies, but then I just read your article " I haven't taken my shirt off since I was nine". It touched me deeply. I am a lady who grew up in a "fat" family. I have three older sisters and my oldest sister would be considered the horrible word obese. I love how candid you are and always are. Your genuine quality is infectious and beautiful, as it streams out in all you add to the world. I am going to get your book now, as I can tell I would love it. I do not really have a question. I just want to say thanks, from the fatties, the nerds, the creative sensitive souls, Thank You!

Truth is best. And I don't mean that in a parent/priest/teacher kinda way. I mean it this way: When you are candid and store no skeletons in your closet, nobody can ever have anything on you. Don't ever let anyone make you hide - unless it's at the behest of some kid counting to twenty out loud.

Be open. Let 'em know you be you. You be you and nobody else. And if you being you is being fat, too? You be you. Fuck 'em. There are chubby-chasers everywhere in this world.

Fat people rock. Been one my whole life and it's shaped who I am (pun intended). I'm a Fat Man. A Fat Man... who loves Batman.

I even have a podcast about it: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/fat-man-on-batman-smodcast.com/id532661418?mt=2

Hey Kevin - Gotta know:

What are your favorite munchies if you've smoked up? Favorite place to smoke?

I'm not a munchies-oriented stoner. I've trained myself to want exactly two things while I'm blazing: productivity and sex. When I smoke weed, I either wanna record/cut a bunch of podcasts, create a TV show, write HIT SOMEBODY, read and respond on Twitter (@ThatKevinSmith)... or fuck. Poor @JenSchwalbach is the patient recipient of loads of green-induce nuts, but the good thing? She's the only one I turn to for my base, inhuman needs. So in that way, weed fortifies my fidelity to my wife.

Look, I'll come up with ANY reason to defend my ganja. Don't try to take it away from me...

two part question:

a) could you beat whedon in arm-wrestling, and

b) prove it.

thanks.

Sure: I beat Whedon in arm-wrestling, then suddenly Hulk fucking side-punches me out the frame like I'm Thor.

Ackbar knows "IT'S A TRAP!!!"

What was it like working with George Carlin?

It was what I imagine it'd been like to work with Mark Twain. Or Will Rogers. Or Lenny Bruce. Or Jesus. You just KNEW you were spending time with a legend who changed things. In the words of Lord Buckley, George stomped upon the terra.

I wrote a whole chapter about it in my book, TOUGH SHIT. http://www.ToughShitKev.com

Has any celeb ever responded to a story you told about them in one of your "evening withs?"

Nope.

Unless you count Affleck.

Hey Kevin, thanks for doing another AMA! What's the plan for Smodcast Pictures' future? How do you plan to keep up with the constantly changing structure of online distribution and pirating?

Pirates don't scare me: they help me. Naturally, you'd like everyone to pay for what they're taking if you're selling it, but to be honest, even the pirates spread the word and eventually spend their booty on your shit. I heard from lots of folks who stole RED STATE off UseNet or BitTorrent who then added "...and now I'm buying it on BluRay." It's a try-before-you-buy culture now, so SModCo tries to put more free into the world than stuff you gotta pay for.

All the podcasts at SModcast.com are free: http://smodcast.com All the shows on S.I.T are free: http://www.youtube.com/seesmod Spoilers is free: http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp1 or http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp2

The SModCo business model is to give out as much stuff free as possible so that when we DO ask for your money for something, you'll feel better about it because you've gotten lotsa funny for free previously.

How do you feel about writing something and letting someone else direct it?

Indifferent.

Your mini review of Avengers?

Skeet. Skeet. HULK SMASH! Skeet.

I had a really awesome time at the Red State premier at Radio City Music Hall! So much so that I drew this when I got home. Wd love to go to an event like that again!

Nicely done, sir.

Next SModcast Pictures Presents tour is with the Slamdance winning flick BINDLESTIFFS - which is about three high school kids who go ape-shit when CATCHER IN THE RYE is banned in their school.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qahkCMIJzeU

Easily one of the funniest flicks I've ever seen.

Next year, SModcast Pictures will do another RED STATE USA-type tour with our first animated feature, JAY & SILENT BOB'S SUPER GROOVY CARTOON MOVIE. We'll show the flick then Q&A after, all of which we'll eventually podcast. We learned a lot touring RED STATE, so we wanna put it to use on BINDLESTIFFS and the cartoon JAY & SILENT BOB flick.

Regarding Red State. It's been noted on here, you originally wanted the ending to be more religious and less political.... as in, an actual Rapture happening. Is this true? If so, how did you plan on that ending being?

Love your work, thanks.

edit: added spoiler tag

I think I talk about the ending in KEVIN SMITH: BURN IN HELL: http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Kevin_Smith_Burn_in_Hell/70236163?trkid=2361637

That's on Netflix. HULU streams some of our stuff, too - including our new show SPOILERS: http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp1 http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp2

In fact, here are ALL the places you can stream SModCo shit: http://smodcast.com/streaming/

Any plans to try and resurrect the CLERKS animated series?

Yes. So watch the shit out of it on HULU so I can bring those plans into fruition: http://www.hulu.com/search?query=Clerks+Uncensored&st=0&fs=

But we're gonna need Dave Mandel. He's the genius behind "Who is driving? Oh my God - BEAR is driving! How can that be?" Fascinating, funny guy full of comedic integrity. Listen to me SMinterview him here: http://smodcast.com/episodes/dave-mandel-part-1/

1. A poster a couple of months back told this story about a gay experience he had with Scott Mosier when he was a kid. Any chance you could ask him about this story on SModcast? I can see it being hilarious.

2. I know you've spoken briefly about making Clerks 3 as a play and I was wondering if this does happpen, are you planning on the filming it at any point? Any chance of being able to see it in the UK?

3. How close are you to finishing Hit Somebody and when does it start filming?

4. I've been listening to SModcast from the very beginning, I used to frequent your board a lot before you moved it to the new site, I remember the first teaser for it (GABBO GABBO GABBO style) and I just wanted to let you know how much SModcast means to me and has truly gotten me through some rough times in my life, on occasion being the only thing I've looked forward to, so thank you so much for your endless providing of entertainment. I know this isn't a question and you probably get it all the time, but you mean a lot, man. I even have the number 37 tattooed on my leg.

1) If anyone's making out with Mosier, it's gonna be me!

2) Ask me again in a month...

3) Ask me again in a month...

4) That means the world to me. I especially love the people who love SModcast.com because it's the story of my life. SModcast.com is one giant podcast biography. http://smodcast.com

ever shit your pants?

Not yet. 41 years and counting...

I remember hearing on the smodcast that you used to be able to suck your own dick. What the fuck is that like and why the fuck would you ever tell everyone about it?

When I was 18/19, I was limber and adventurous enough to go where no man has gone before. I laid on my bed, threw my thunder thighs back over my head and sank that shit neck deep betwixt my lips, furiously jerking like a mad man. I remember thinking "If I break my neck here, I hope in the midst of their horror and grief, my parents are just a little bit proud, too..."

When I nutted, my thoughts shifted to "I guess I'm not gay - because I feel awkward as fuck right now..." Not repulsed, mind you: It just wasn't for me.

But just to sure, I tried it again. Two more times.

Alright: Five.

It always seemed like a good idea until I came. After that, my gut drooping on my forehead, the previously sex-nuts libido-beast playing Hyde-the-salami would give way to the more practical, less adventurous and utterly honest Dr. Jekyll. Suddenly, the horned-up human pretzel who nearly snapped a spine getting his cock into his own mouth would find himself thinking "I look like Jabba the Hutt eating his own tail..."

I wouldn't recommend it this exercise is spoo-tility to every guy, as there's a good chance you'll break your neck and die in pursuit of an orgasm - which is stupid.

And as for why I'd ever wanna share that information...

How many people do YOU know who've ever successfully sucked their own dicks? Fuck an Oscar: THAT'S a goddamned accomplishment! It's like walking on the moon! And giant steps are what you take, self-sucking 'til you splooge.

I hope my neck don't break - self-sucking 'til I splooge.

I can't suck for-ev-er - self-sucking 'til I splooge.

We can suck to-ge-ther - self-sucking 'til, self-sucking 'til we splooge.

Some.

May say...

ahem

This moment of truth sponsored by Captain Fantastic and S.I.T. - SModCo Internet Television! http://www.youtube.com/seesmod

How do you feel about the LA Kings winning their first cup last night?

Answered elsewhere in this very AMA, sir.

But in an effort not to waste this post, I'll use this space to whore my wares a little bit...

Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash http://redbankstash.com/

SModCo SMerchandise http://smodcast.com/smerchandise/

Hey Kevin, I really loved watching the first season of Comic Book Men. Please tell me there's going to be another season!

I loved watching it WAY more than you or anyone else because those are my boys up there. I've known Bry and Walt for most of my life now and have always found them to be insanely unique true originals. One-off brains are tough to find in this world and I've found a few in my lifetime: Bry and Walt are fucking diamonds in a sea of shit.

I can't wait to watch 'em again this fall! Season 2 starts shooting soon and it sounds like the boys will be coming west for my ComicCon panel in Hall H on Saturday night! Which means they'll be at my late-night ComicCon BABBLE-ON afterwards: http://www.livenation.com/event/0A004884A19F26F5

But until COMIC BOOK MEN returns, give a listen to the companion podcast, THE SECRET STASH: http://smodcast.com/channels/the-secret-stash/

And if you wanna wear a sweet STASH STAFF t-shirt like Walt, Bry, Ming or Mike, grab that shit here: http://redbankstash.com/

Hi Kevin, I'm a huge fan! I loved the movie Red State, although it disturbed me to the core given how realistic it was, especially since I live in the Bible Belt. What inspired you to do this movie?

Also, fuck what other bitches say about Jason Mewes, you're definitely the cute one.

1) RED STATE came from seeing an interview my friend Malcolm Ingram did with Fred Phelps for his documentary SMALL TOWN GAY BAR. http://movies.netflix.com/movie/Small_Town_Gay_Bar/70044323 It also came from seeing FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN in 1995 and falling in love with Michael Parks.

2) But Mewes has the bigger dick.

Mewes is a real inspiration, man. Motherfucker REALLY turned his shit around. 2 years and change ago, he was down for the count. Now? Dude's my business partner on the production side of things in SModCo. Sells out tours in the UK/Ireland and Australia. He masters his demons every day by putting all the truth about what happened out there every week on JAY & SILENT BOB GET OLD. If you haven't listened to it yet, let one of the best podcasts on the internet tickle your ear-pussy: http://smodcast.com/channels/jay-silent-bob-get-old/

And peep out the MEWES NEWS every week on SModCo Internet Television: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAB34018CA14FE70A&feature=plpp

That's a wrap, folks! Thanks for your time and interest. Shit like this is like a nice workout for a writer: Keeps you sharp.

Before I go, if I can give a total stranger something more valuable that money, it's this T.E. Lawrence quote...

"Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence

Be a Day Dreamer. It's like playing God.

And now, the plugs...

CHICAGO! I'm gonna be balls-deep in you on THURSDAY NIGHT: http://www.tbs.com/justforlaughschicago/stories/story/0,,261458,00.html Come to a real, live AMA! It's just like this but I type less and sweat more!

Love movies? Why the fuck aren't you watching my new Hulu show SPOILERS? http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp1 http://tinyurl.com/SpoilersEp2

Wanna be ON Spoilers? Sign up here: http://smodcast.com/spoilers/

This is my new podcast, FAT MAN ON BATMAN: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/fat-man-on-batman-smodcast.com/id532661418?mt=2 In the current episode, I sit down with Luke SkyTALKER: the legendary Mark Hamill tells us all about being the Joker!

Listen to how much this girl wants to fuck me on a brand new PLUS ONE: http://smodcast.com/channels/plus-one/

"I will NOT leave it on the dock!": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5w78VbHsumA&list=UUMUyXED1r2JjVHtcHJd_aUg&index=5&feature=plcp

Get baked and watch some excellent cartoons! http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL58D4A3CB5FBA7DA9&feature=plpp

Love the COMIC BOOK MEN? Then visit them at the Red Bank Stash: http://redbankstash.com/

Love SModCo? Then buy some SMerch: http://smodcast.com/smerchandise/

SMarchive is like SModCo Babies: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFBE8D735339AD977&feature=edit_ok

And if you like to read? TOUGH SHIT: http://ToughShitKev.com

See you over the summer,

Kevin https://twitter.com/#!/ThatKevinSmith

Have you seen Rampart with Woody Harrelson? How was it?

I been around these Reddit parts long enough to know that's kinda funny, sir...

[deleted]

I earn like a Republican but I feel like a Democrat. That being said, I'm not very political. I just make pretend for a living.

Then again, so do politicians.

kevin aside from batman what would be the superhero movie you would love to make?

No interest in making those flicks. Just wanna watch 'em.

And soon? The DARK KNIGHT RISES...

'til then? I'll have to content myself talking to the Joker: http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/fat-man-on-batman-smodcast.com/id532661418?mt=2

Kevin two questions:

1st: What ever happened to the Clerks II inaction figures? Was looking forward to the Elias figure, as well as the Sexy Stud.

2nd: Do you still own the custom arcade cabinets that were at the West Coast stash?

Thanks!

1) The economy collapsed. They're not cheap to produce but we may bring them back to life this next year!

2) I totally do.

Regarding the great dialog that often comes up in your movies is it based more on personal experience with people and friends or just a product of your mind/imagination?

The dialogue I write tends to be wishful thinking: it's my idealized version of how everyone would speak if we were all as eloquent and quick as Bugs Bunny.

Hi Kev! Glad to see you doing an AMA. I am big fan of Smodcast and Hollywood Babble-on(I'm wearing a signed Garmy shirt)

*You spoke of doing a more laid back show with Ralph, in format more like Smodcast. Is this going to happen? I would like to hear more like the morning show you did awhile back.

*Also, since you recent full immersion into weed, have you considered smoking with your fans? I know your a very cautious person(many well enjoyed Smodcasts has made this obvious) and was wondering how afraid you are of joining one of fans stoner circles?

*If you were forced to pick a 5 year period from history to be sent back to, what period would you pick? Your arrival date will be randomly picked from the 5 year period, meaning that you will arrive somewhere in the 5 year period. Also this is a one way trip, and there will be no return to the present. You can only bring with you what you can carry and already have access to, meaning anything you already own or can buy within one hour (budget limited to your current holdings) that you can carry.

1) Ralph and I are working on a BABBLE spin-off at the moment. More details when I have them. Expect some CREEPY CLOWN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8aIhJCAvjw&list=UUMUyXED1r2JjVHtcHJd_aUg&index=5&feature=plcp And maybe a l'il BOWIE DANCE, too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDykHKFtj4Y&list=UUMUyXED1r2JjVHtcHJd_aUg&index=8&feature=plcp

2) To paraphrase George Thorogood? I smoke alone. With nobody else. The reason for this is because when I share joints, I tend to get a cold sore within 24 hours. I've got the non-genital herpes, y'see: the lip shits.

But also? When I smoke, I'm usually working. I made a deal with myself when I decided to become an avid stoner at age 38 (Kids! Wait 'til you're 38! You'll really need weed then!), and that deal was this: smoke all you want, but just make sure you're being productive while you do so. That means the moment I light up, I'm recording a podcast. Or cutting a podcast. Or writing a script. Or cutting a movie. Or shooting a TV show. Or recording a song. Or opening a podcast theatre. Or dreaming up dopey shit to do.

SModCo was BUILT on weed, sir. Everything we've put together in the last two years came from seeds that likely originated in Amsterdam. It's the Why Not era of my life, in which I try fun shit just to see if it can be done. And it was all conceived in a puff of smoke.

And wait'll you see what we're doing NEXT.

But if you wanna hang with me while THC runs through my system, join me on SPOILERS! It's not sharing a joint but you get to see a free movie and be on the show. Sign up here: http://smodcast.com/spoilers/

3) Forced? Can I choose my own personal history? A fella can get killed time-traveling through world history. I don't wanna witness my own death in an airport while I'm wearing a bad wig.

I'd go back to 1989 to 1994. That's when I started hanging out with Walt and Bry, met Mewes, worked at Quick Stop/R.S.T. That five year period is largely responsible for everything you've seen me do since CLERKS. It was an age of magic and wonder that's somehow extended even to today. And I know what happens after the five year period, so I'm okay with the one-way trip. And I'd change nothing: not even the non-flight on Fatty-Lesbian-SaggyPants-Haters Air.