Children's author Rob Towner here. I came to fuck shit up. AMA

how did you get into the childrens book business and how could write stories about shit shitting on other shit. and get paid for it? also because of this i will be getting neice and nephew your book for christmas. keep fucking shit up!

first started writing children's books when I was 4. here is the first one I ever made ever if you are interested - http://imgur.com/a/1hybc

ANIMAL FRIENDS has animals doing poo on each other... I don't know. Kind of have to read it to understand its context.

Mate! Fuck! Thank you so much for passing the story on. I can't express my fucking gratitude... here... have some reddit gold. fucking... not one member of my family give three quarters of a shit about it. THANK YOU!

Oh shit thank you! Keep Fucking shit up! and tell your family an internet stranger tells them to suck it!

will do drailpop. stay classy. let me know what you think of the book too when you finish it. even if you think it sucks balls... I like feedback :D

also follow up question, could you describe the process of getting your writing published?

sure ok. so > >

step 1: story board the story, make it flow, make it nice > > write it. chapter by chapter. edit, 2nd edit..... 56th edit

step 2: format the story using indesign and put into epub form

step 3: get an ISBN and upload book with Lightning Source (I have usually used Create Space but have found recently that Lightning Source have better quality prints.

step 4: find someone who will distribute it. In my case, Dennis Jones Australia is distributing which is really exciting for me.

step 5: tell people. go on the interwebs and tear shit up...

I'm currently at step 5 :)

how hard is it to find a distributor is there any tricks like should i just chuck paper at them as they walk by? or is that in itself a process?

I was just a mad whore and rambled about every tiny little selling point > kids did the art work > > there's some positive messages about the environment and anti-bullying in the story > > I'm a member of some children's book societies > > fucken.... any minor detail > > and then made the grade > > it's not lights out though without one > > story is a story my bro

Man you are awesome. Who are some of you Inspirations to get into writing. and also do you write strictly children's books?

thanks bra. you're awesome too btw... uh, I love Roald Dahl and Lewis Carol... the classics... Lately really digging Stephen King's DARK TOWER series and the game of thrones series... I would love to create a story of that length... maybs on the cards for my next project.... see what haps. you write too?

The Dark Tower is one of my favorite pieces of literature. How far along are you?

half way through wizard and glass... so far of what I have read... I'll agree with you...

id say i story board as thats all i can ever get too before get all angsty about it and stop. its always been a dream though.

bro. u should do it. its so fucken sweet when its done. I had a beer and watched a sunset...

just like successful George McFly says... "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."

Pongo - I can't figure out why, but that has to be one of the best names I've ever heard.

made it up out of my brain and shit :)

How do I teach children to fuck shit up the right way?

golden rule: no liquor or titties til your 15. always do your homework and NEVER stick your dick in crazy

I can't upvote this enough

double click... DOUBLE CLICK!

I upvoted and un-upvoted, just so I could upvote again. Also I read it out loud at work just as a customer was walking in. Yay for customer service!

haha. i like you. do you like the Shawshank Redemption? we could watch it maybe...

It's a date. I'll meet at your house tomorrow night. I already know where it is. Nice shirt, by the way.

Thanks. Watching gravity in 3d. Brb

I'm not proud, but I had to google that. I should probably stop fast forwarding through commercials so I can actually know what's happening in the world.
edit Forgot this is an AMA, so what's you favorite cereal and why?

fave cereal - Weet Bix... because you can either have it with milk or peanut butter :)

Is your book as confusing as your title..?

A little less. I promise. The full synopsis is in the link. Man if you check it out... holy shit

You write a book and then outsource the illustrations to impaired children.. why? What was the motivation?

I actually visited the school a few months earlier and saw a one page children's book one of the kids had written in their drawing class. the picture was of a baby lamb taking a shit! Funny and adorable as fuck! Thought to myself "I'm guna write this little kid a children's story with animals doing shits everywhere in it." Then, after I had finished writing it, I thought. "Man, would be so cool to let those kids share in the story." So I let them do all the drawings. yehw! My style of illustrations is usually very basic and kid-like and their art really fit the story I think...

Do you have pink eye?

Edit: Your book is clever. ;o) <-- pink-eye smile

wait. i don't... thanks?

currently. no. that comes from having poo in your face right? I guess I got lucky...

Do you swear this much in front of children?

Man, you ain't seen nothing till you read his book.

you read it brah? :D if so thanks :)

You are now my biggest fucking hero.

Woah woah woah woah. Epic

1) you look like a pervert.

2) why do you look like a pervert?

3) I work around children. I swear under my breath constantly. You inspire me to be the best at muttering profanity behind their little backs.

1. Yeh I am... 2. Genetics 3. Oh

I like the way your face looks. Can we go on a date?

not sure if you are a girl or a boy, but... yes

PS. How many times is too many times for checking out your proof pic?

not enough until there's cum all over my face on the computer screen

Ok! I think Ive probably only gone slightly too far then!

never

I'm a HuhDude.

party :D where you guna take me?

There's a breakfast place near me. They don't sell weetibix but they do sell a lot of fried meat and eggs. You look like you'd enjoy that.

breakfast huh? well, I don't let anyone other jeff probst fuck me in the ass on the first date, but we can play spoons :D bags being the little spoon

I love being the big spoon. This is going to be great.

shwing

im back from the movies if anyone still has questions / wants to call me a bastard etc.

You bastard! how was the movie? also wtf is weet bix?

Hehe. My new fayvourite movie ever!!!! Theyre like these things

I can't say I expected a children's book author to swear so much. Anyway, what was your inspiration for the book?

I wanted to tell a story that had never been told before :) I wanted to tell a story that I would love to read as a child... Tried not to focus too much on trying to please the children's writing community which is mainly made up of stay at home soccer mums... nice to meet you pibbface. can I call you pibbface?

Please do. I'm very surprised you answered this, since the AMA has been going for like 8 hours. You're pretty dedicated!

yehhhhhhh. i have no life

Well, keep it going! It's been quite interesting!

id give it a 3 on the fuck shit up scale :/

Also, if it seems like I'm using punctuation and shit, it's just the iPad's autocorrect. The autocorrect just autocorrected the word autocorrect!

ive never used an ipad for reddit. how goes it?

It has ups and downs. It's really fucking hard to press the reply button, and more so the subreddits at the top of the page.

this is the best AMA ever... AMA of the year?

My friend and I wrote a children's book but are still in the stages of putting the artwork together. We joked that we were the most vulgar people to every write a childrens book. I think you have topped that. Thank you for allowing us to use "we are not the most vulgar childrens authors" as a selling point for our book.

I would love to read that book when it's done... balls

Do you enjoy what you do?

funny you should ask... I actually blogged about a few of my favourite things.....

I also enjoy reading weird stories, fapping, drinking coffee, watching Survivor and breathing fresh Summer air.

And you? what you like?

I like to fap, smoke, long board, sleep late, go to work, play video games, and eat meat. It's a wonderful life I'd say, thank you for asking

You ahould probably double check that you arent me...

I don't have a beard </3

dad?

Mom?

AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII E IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WIIIILLLL ALWAYS LOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I want to be in this moment forever

Dont close ur eyes baby

I feel like there's been a huge influx of just fantastic kids' lit lately, why do you think that is? Also, would you be willing to critique a draft manuscript I have for a picture book? (Shameless, I know, but input from a published children's author would be amazing).

I'll read your shit brah... I don't know about the influx capacitor... I thought it was a myth

What is your artists block remedy?

I like to do a few things in these situations... one... and the main one... do nothing... second is to try and soak up good art from other people (books, movies, tv and paintings etc.) third is to go surfing.... yeh.... you been blocked bro?

It's been known to happen to me from time to time, I just like hearing what others like to do! Thanks!

rock and roll man. if you have some stuff, id love to read it

You should write a book for adults raising children on how to fuck shit up. I guess it is an ama, so, please? What would that book be titled?

hehe - title: "POO BUM WEE"

POW!

Just giggled like a little girl. Thanks for that :D

heehee :D poo

Do you ever call up book stores pretending to want to buy your own books, and get them to order in your books?

no... thanks for the idea :D but I only get paid if the book store sells the copy I think...

Can I adapt this to the stage?

Yeh bra

I'll one up your date offer and ask for your hand in marriage.

I accept. What do I need to do now?

How many babies do you lick/eat on the daily basis?

alive??? 7

do you offer the ebook of your book? do you agree with the price fixing policy of apple?

I'm giving away the PDF version... have actually handed over digital rights to an Australian distribution company. They are also busily working on making the story available in Australian bookstores...

They're putting the book in apple... I'm actually unaware of the apple thing. What's with that. Might goodle it lates...

I will say I am a Samsung man through and through... I don't know what apple did with books.. but fuck them anyway. fucken apple colour...

unexpected spelling errors from writer of children books ;)

haha. just re read what I wrote... goodle... classic rob :)

iiii'm gonna have to read this the next time i'm tripping, cause it sounds that good.

doing harmful drugs and reading books go hand in hand like driving and using siri :D

so here are some questions for you now that ive woken up from my drunken stupor.

1. if you could fight one historical figure who would it be?

2. what is your favorite beer? i assume fosters because thats Australian for beer.

3. spiders how do you deal with them?

4. how much poon can i expect to get from being a childrens book writer?

I woke up too...

1. Jeff Probst...using giant boxing gloves in a reward challenge

2. No Australia Likes Fosters. Mine would be RED OAK beer... it's a brewery. Their beer has won gold medals and shit

3. I don't. they haunt me.

4. As much as you can handle

The page URL makes me chuckle, does it reveal your true intentions? ;O

Hehe.... ahhhh.... true itempins???

would you rather give a horse sized fuck. or fuck a hundred horses.

I would love to give a horse sized fuck... mmmmm

so i heard rabbits are like a scourge down under is this true?

Nah

How long does it typically take to write a children's book?

this one took me about a full week. but that was like the 20th rewrite. I have been rewriting this story for the last 3 years. min. I highly recommend giving it a try. It's a really rewarding experience knowing that some words you put down on paper will live longer than you do...

How in Satans glorious name did you come up with the idea for this book?

Haha. I mixed weed with beetrot and acid.... then I shoved it up my arse with a carrot... cuz im a vegetarian... :p

Have you read The Story Of The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None Of His Business? Poop books are everywhere!

Shit is out of control... this pleases me

im grilling today and watching the UFC fights so who do you think willl win Cain or Junior? also what meat should i grill?

Answer 1 junior Answer 2 yes

junior got his shit rocked.

a to the men

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pics or didnt happn

so day 3 of your epic AMA did you ever expect that itd last this long?

http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1ovd0x/3_days_deep_into_my_ama_udraibop_just_asked_me/

going strong!

yehhhh. i'm not going anywhere :P hopefully mine'll be around longer enough for Ann Coulter to read :D

so if your life was to become a big hollywood action pic what actor would you most want to see play you?

McCauley Culkin... Americans don't know this, but he is still a big superstar in Australia...

oh man i hope thats true!

it's not... but I still love him

i respect any man that can bang mila kunis for an extended period of time. its a sign hes doing something right.

also have mad respect for any man that can call out Buzz for being a fucking trout sniffer

so do you fuck shit up in video games as well as in real life?

we talking mario kart and golden eye on 64? or zelda on 3dsxl? if so... yes... i fuck shit up in those arenas... been meaning to get back into ps4, but barely have time to :/

id kick your ass in golden eye just saying.

woah.... hold up... weapon of choice??

but honestly throwing knives

id proximity mine you so hard your teeth would go into orbit and kill astronaughts

psh you wish ill head shot you with a glorified butter knife.

we're so in love :D

so batman or superman?

super batman

You're so bad-ass for speaking like that wow.

so brave

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Yep