I am comedian and actor Jim Breuer. Ask Me Anything.

Hey guys. That was a lot of fun. 60 minutes turned into a 90 minutes in a hurry. I might have to do this again.

Hammer, I live in Northern NJ. Would you ever be up for a wiffleball challenge with a group of your friends versus a group of mine?

Dude you dont want to take me on in wiffle ball. Ill video tape it, YouTube it & youll be embarrassed for the rest of your life. Ill send it to your grandmother. Ill send it to your boss. Ill strike you out before I throw a pitch.

Ill bring the heat. Your children will be embarrassed to call you their father. You will be emasculated.

Im a champ and I dont even need to acknowledge all the wannabes. Send me a video of self-hitting.

How often do people make goatboy noises at you on the street?

Im down to only 2 a day now.

Was this Pizza Hut commercial outtake actually real? If so, did he get into any trouble for being such a pain in the ass? What was the reaction on set after he got tossed in the pool?

It was actually scripted and I went way off script. Way off.

What is your craziest Tracy Morgan story?

Definitely being at Ben and Jerrys in Harlem on 125th & 5th with his shirt off screaming over and over "Somebodys gonna get pregnant."

MARSHMELLOWS MAKING ME CRAZY.

Kevin Smith mentioned that you'd be the man to ask about the Clerks pilot... how awful was it? How many pilots have you been in that haven't made it to air?

Here's when I knew that pilot was going to be a disaster: When they fired Kevin Smith. They also fired Frenchy Stewart who went on to become a rock star on 3rd Rock.

Who was your favorite co-star in Half Baked? Why? Did you get high at all during the filming of that movie?

Hands down, Chapelle. He gave me my one and only movie career which was that movie. If you want an answer to the other question, watch my special Let's Clear the Air.

What's the most challenging thing that you have done in your career?

Going all clean - no swearing no cursing. Very challenging. Still is.

Who is the nicest person in Hollywood? Biggest douche?

Tom Hanks is by far the nicest. I havent worked with any douches. The douches are usually on the management side - I have a list of them I dont want to name right now.

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I got one name. Joe Rogan.

In Half-Baked when you listed all the food items for Kenny (Harland Williams) to grab from the store, was that scripted or improvised?

Believe it or not every line that I ever did in that movie was 100% scripted.

Oh wow, it's you! Pardon the fangirliness.

My favourite skit of yours is the "stomach = bouncer" alcohol sketch. Was that inspired by anything? Also, can you do other accents apart from the ones in the sketch?

Yeah by me. Every Saturday night of my youth.

Hey Jim!

I remember watching one episode of Home Improvement and seeing you together with Dave Chappelle for a small part in that episode. Was that when you guys first met or was Half Baked already in the works back then?

That was loooong before Half Baked. We had a TV show in the works named "Buddies" - real brilliant Hollywood writing - Im white, he's black, let's do a show.

Have you had a chance to speak with Jack Nicholson again since the elevator incident?

Also, every time I think of AC/DC, I say "YOU READY?!" Thank you, Jim, for your years of dedication and comedy, you are a great human being.

No and i kind of hope we dont. i kind of liked how it ended - perfectly. For those who dont know, he leaned into me and said "You look the way I feel all the time."

Any jobs you turned down that you wish you didn't?

This AMA isnt long enough for me to start listing them. My biggest - the Blue Collar Comedy Tour before it blew up. That was a rough one.

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Ive always wanted to work with him. Im baffled we never crossed paths.

Has Howard Stern ever asked you to sit in the Artie chair? Would you accept?

I think I would.

Can you elaborate on the non-cursing thing? Is it more your wife's influence, fear of your children hearing it later, or just wanting to live a 'straighter' life? I've heard you speak on it, but just wanted a better summary. Also, never stop going on O+A, your stories on there are legend, and Pizzaman was perhaps the best story I have ever been on the edge of my seat about.

Full blown my kids. Once they started looking me up on the Internet I realized there were so many of my bits where I was cursing for no reason. It really was for my kids and all the other kids to start looking me up online. Its a responsibility of mine and I think Ive actually been funnier.

Hey Jim! Not too long ago you performed at a club called Levity Live at the Palisades in New York. One of my buddies was a chef there, and he got a photo or Facebook friend request from you... Or something.

Anyway, my question is: Can you just respond to this message telling my buddy Steve what an insufferable asshole he is? I think he'd get a kick out of it. Please and thanks!

That was the best turkey dinner sandwich I ever had in my life. That guy knows how to make a meat ball.

Steve, you're an insufferable asshole.

Any cool stories about hanging with Metallica?

They are all family guys. They know their fanbase well. Are just as cool offstage. And so funny. James is goofier. Lars is just funny.

Do you ever get tired of being harassed by us tokers? Or are we not that inclined to invade your privacy?

No youre just a curious species. I was a species of yours and technically still in.

Do you ever get sick of the whole stoner stereotype most people know you for?

Whatever brings them in the store to browse.

You doing any more movies or a standup tour?

Yes. New special is being filmed in Tarrytown July 14 followed by a tour.

Any chance it will be sold online for $5 like CK's, Ansari's, Gaffigan's?

hmmm

Hi Jim... What was the first impression you ever did? Do you ever hang out with Stern outside of his show? Who would win in a fight - you or Joe Pesci?

First impression - every Bugs Bunny cartoon character that exists. I was slaying in 4th grade in the playground doing Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Same. I would destroy Pesci. I would punt kick him. Stern doesn't really hang out. No. I wouldnt mind playing a wiffleball game against him.

What is the latest on pizza man? Is he still a bag of rocks?

I think he'll always be a bag of rocks.

Jim - Joe Price here - big fan! Thanks for all you've done over the years. Any plans for a stand up show in Boston in the near future?

Yes! I just booked. I will announce on my FB page this week, but I just booked. Coming up this summer. At the Wilbur Theater.

Matter of fact, Ill get you two tickets. Just Facebook me. Get the right one. Everyone goes to the wrong one. facebook.com/jimbreuer

1. How is your father?
2. Are you upset your show is not on Howard 101?
3. If you could make one SNL skit a movie today what would it be?

1. Hes the same. My next book will be the Top 10 Cities he's pooped in.
2. not at all.
3. Goatboy. Ive always had a great idea for that thats nothing like youd imagine.

Hi, Jim! I am a huge fan & live in St. Louis. When will you be back in town again so I can come to your show? Did you know Mississippi Nights (RIP) closed their doors?

Aaaaaaggghhhh. Thats tragic. I remember Mississippi Nights, me and my band members singing God Bless America at 4:12 in the morning. I video taped it. Definitely within the next 12 months.

If you were chosen to start a new colony on another planet, who would you choose to go with you?

I would bring an entire Indian tribe, then I know how to build fires, make homes, kill animals. Me and a tribe. Any tribe. Aborigine, African, American-Indian.

Years ago I worked at Kmart in Hackettstown, NJ. Word spread quickly among the teenage workers that you were at the register checking out, but everyone was too nervous to approach and verify it.

I basically bum-rushed you with a pen and paper asking for an autograph as you were leaving the store. I then proceeded to walk out the door with you and your wife/girlfriend going on and on how you were my all-time favorite comedian and I loved you in Half Baked.

You were very gracious and thankful to me even though I was some annoying kid pretty much up your ass while you were just out doing some routine shopping.

Just wanted to thank you for that autograph and being very cool to me. It was the highlight of my late teenage years (aside from getting laid of course), and I'll never forget it.

Also, I need another Jim Breuer movie please. Thanks again!

Thats cool. I think the movies will start coming out in 2 years. Ive started writing my own. And I actually remember you. That was wife my wife. Ive been married for 19 years.

Do you still go to the zoo high? That's one of my favourite stories of yours. You're an amazing storyteller. That's all.

No. Ive retired from all highness many years ago.

Jim Breuer. Jimmmm fucking Breuer. I have always liked your comedy man.

Thanks for doing this AMA.

Now for the questions: What is your most offensive joke?

Favorite comedian? Least favorite?

Most embarrassing childhood memory?

Favorite book?

Least favorite car(that you have owned or is in production)?

Most memorable heckler moment?

And I asked Kevin Smith already, but uh, how much weed do you actually smoke?

The biggest slack I ever got was on my last special where I said sleep deprivation could lead to murder. Its a fact youve ready when mothers drowned their children. It really ticked off some cranky uptight women.

Momory - being fat. I was 82 pounds in Kindergarten. Nurse used to call me in and ask me what I ate and I got weighed once a week.

Jim, during the Denis Leary comedy roast you played the metal version of Asshole. You looked out of your mind. Can you confirm that you were indeed blasted or just tired? BTW one of my favorite scenes in any movie is you getting fired from the Record Store and asking Jan what its like to be a dyke. God you are funny.

Ive never been out of my mind for a live event, so no. It's weird Ive never heard that Ive been blasted. I wonder why I named my book "Im not High". I came out of the wound with doctors questioning it.

what's your favorite munchie?

Doritos. Always has been. I get so jealous when I see people doing Doritos questions. Im only into three big things AC/DC / Metallica, the Mets and Doritos.

Did Brian Johnson take you for a ride in any of his cars?

Your impersonation is stunning and I find myself singing along to the hokey pokey quite frequently in his (your) voice.

We hung out and had dinner a couple of times. Hes the best storyteller. Hes like hanging out with an old pirate.

Every sentence starts with "Arggh Matey"

How was meeting Kobayashi? Didn't he get deported 1-2 years ago?

You're a great comedian!

Hes got great energy- a really awesome aura and I honestly hope to cross paths with him again.

Your book was awesome. Any plans to do another?

Yeah, but it will be on the top 10 places my dad's pooped in.

Is your Dad doing better ever since you got him away from your Mother?

Yes he's safe and horny. He has these nurses that come over, and let's just say, he had a stroke.

Biggest influence comedically? If you could see any comic tonight, who would you pick?

Sam Kinison. Tonight, definitely Chapelle. The only guy who even when not funny Im captivated.

Growing up a metalhead, you were one of my biggest influences. I loved watching you talk about metal on VH1 and whatnot. What are your thoughts on the current state of metal? Do you enjoy the new albums coming out by old acts (Saints of Los Angeles by Motley Crue, Black Ice by AC/DC, etc..)? What newer bands have you been rocking lately? Thanks for the laughs Jim!

I got my name on 5 Finger Death Punch. That chick that sounds very Heart-like. But I still find myself againg like fine wine. I need my AC/DC, Metallica, Priest.

Have you had a significant amount of trouble from police because of your stoney looking nature? Its always worked for your acts, but I can only imagine the kind of profiling you've gotten through out life.

Only in the begininng. I was stopped at the toll booth coming out of NYC and they ran me the whole test. The blowing the ballon thing. I loved seeing all their baffled looks.

They asked me to do the alphabet backwards., I sang it.

If you had to fight a dinosaur to the death in a Dinosaur Death Match using only primitive weapons and not allowed to set traps, what's the biggest dinosaur you think you win against? You don't have to name a specific dinosaur, just give us a size reference.

Im going to say the biggest sized one I think I can go after is that one the size of a rhino - the triceratops. Anyone that says they can take on something bigger, theres too much weed in their system. That was a great question. I love it.

Are you and Adam Carolla still in a fight? If not, were you and he ever actually pissed at each other? I've heard his side form his podcast but never heard your side. Thanks for the AMA, I'm a big fan of your comedy.

No we met in Atlanta and we cleared the air. He made some comments he apologized, said they were disrespectful and didnt mean it.

I met you at the Stress Factory last year, best standup show I've ever seen. But Jim Jefferies was a very close second. What stand ups would you go out of your way to see these days, if any?

Chapelle, Eddie Izzard - I had no clue he was that funny.

If you could have 1 super power, what would it be?

Invisible.

Huge fan here. I listened to just about every one of your shows on Sirius. I was sad when the show ended. I noticed you did a couple of podcasts (I was sad to hear about Pocono Bob). Do you still chill with Pete and do you have any type of regular show or podcast in the works?

He is now "LA Pete"

Jim, I am a big fan and saw you years back when summerfest in Milwaukee had a pretty solid comedy tent. Any awesome after show party stories? Whats the strangest thing a fan has said/done?

Yes - Moshing with Lars in the back of my tour bush with Lars parked outside the Filmore in SF. He lost his hat and we blew our speakers.

Make videos of them doing the goat. Ill leave it AT THAT. uSE YOUR IMAGINATION.

I would love to hear anything about Valley Stream.

You're conversations are broken up every 2 minutes and 38 seconds because jumbo jets fly over your head. We would have to eat the snow within an hour so it didnt turn to black.

Saw you with Norton, Attell and Burr in DC. All you guys killed. My girlfriend is from Chester, NJ and has some stories about you performing at her high school in Mendham. This was probably 15 years ago. Do you still do these kinds of random drop-ins or are you done with that since you home school your kids (I think that's what I remember from O&A, anyways)?

I still do random drop ins and I still do random high schools.

Ive been playing Mt Olive every year now.

What was your favorite sketch you were in on SNL? How about your most favorite sketch you were NOT in?

In: very first Joe Pesci Show. Anthony Edwards played a grown up Macully Culkin. And the one with Alec Baldwin playing DeNiro.

Not In: Molly Shannon - Mary Katherine Gallagher

Did you see Joe Pesci's music video? What did you think of it?

Modern one or years ago when he was 20. I dont know what you are referring to but you have my curiosity.

Jim, I love your act man, the music is awesome. I still listen to the AC/DC hookie pookie.

Any advice for a young Comedian starting out these Days? What would you do if you were 20 and starting out now?

I would be a lot more focused on promoting myself. Promote yourself.

Hey Jim, I'm a big fan - especially the story telling you do while on your radio show and with O&A.

I was wondering, do you think the whole Pizza Guy ordeal would translate well to film? Is there any other story of yours that you'd like to have interpreted by film?

Also are there any plans to do a Canadian tour in the future? Just for Laughs misses you

I just got offered a Canadian tour. Most likely Ill be doing shows at the Montreal comedy festival this July.

Im a noob, so forgive me if I break ranks. I just dropped you all a little thank you vid over here in a different thread.