I am a failed doomsday prophet named JOHN HODGMAN here to answer all your questions about RAGNAROK and any other subject.

HERE I AM

Rock you like a hurricane?

OK

Any plans to join your feral mountain man, Jonathan Coulton, on his cruise ship, and go JoCo Cruise Crazy?

I plan to be on THAT NERD BOAT whether he wants me or not.

My copy of your book, The Areas of My Expertise, recently grew an identical mustache such as yours and became self aware. It is terrorizing everything and everyone I've ever loved. How do I put it down?

Put it in a tupperware container. Seal that with wax or goose grease. Wrap it in cheesecloth. Bury it in earth from a graveyard. Stand watch for 30 days with a red candle burning constantly. Or else buy five new copies of THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE.

Has it been difficult to play the role of Julius Pringles in the upcoming biopic, He Popped, but the Fun Did Stop?

Also, will you come to my wedding?

You refer to the brilliant twitter joke that someone made asking if I was growing my mustache to star in the movie PRINGLES. I wish I knew who that person was. He/she = genius.

I cannot attend your wedding, I'm afraid, unless you pay me MIGHTILY in gin, lamb chops, and sword canes. CONGRATULATIONS!

I am sorry everyone that our time is up. This was tremendous fun--I thank you.

Apologies to those still waiting for answers. Now that the world has not ended, I realize that sometimes answers never come, and it's not the end of the world.

Greetings, Mr. Justice.

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for yesterday's Comedy Cabaret at Solid Sound. I greatly enjoyed it, despite the drenched-in-Axe-Body-Spray knucklehead seated two seats away from me, who insisted on jumping up, shouting, yelping and generally making a fool of himself during Reggie Watts' set.

My question is about hecklers like this guy, and how they're handled.

While Reggie chose a subtle method that surely went over the guy's head (inviting a couple of people to the stage to confirm how comfortable the auditorium chairs were), Jen Kirkman's method (making a heckler in her set walk like a model on the catwalk AND calling the guy's father to insult his parenting skills) seemed much more embarrassing.

In your experience, what's been the most entertaining method of dealing with hecklers?

First of all, thank you for explaining Reggie's comfy chair joke to me. I honestly missed that subtext. Reggie is a genius. And that guy in the front row sure enjoyed the show. Even though he was a little disruptive, it was clearly out of enthusiasm.

Hecklers want to be part of the show. Usually they are also intoxicated to the point that they don't realize that they are not on stage. Paul F Tompkins was the absolute best at handling this situation at Bumbershoot last year, essentially befriending the dude and explaining the basic conventions of theater and why they exist.

It was amazing to watch, but also painful. I think everyone would have preferred just letting Paul do his act.

I was just listening to this month's fantastic Dead Authors Podcast in which you played Ayn Rand. Did you prepare for this role by writing 60 page monologues, calling people moochers, or both? In all seriousness, though, how is it possible to stay in such a challenging character for an hour, and how did you prepare?

Also, everyone should check out RAGNAROK(On Netflix). It's awesome!

All my research for that performance derived from this single interview Ayn Rand gave to Phil Donohue in or around 1980.

You may review it HERE.

You will see that she did INDEED like Charlie's Angels. That was not my invention.

Was the british child in the ragnarok special a plant? If so, is he affiliated with the secret world government

He is the great Joel Ronson, son of the great Jon Ronson, author of THE PSYCHOPATH TEST. They are friends. I knew they were coming to the show, and I decided that day to bring him up on stage. It was all improvised. Someday you will see the extended cut and there is A LOT OF JOEL IN IT.

Has there ever been a case submitted to Judge John Hodgman that was too offensive/crazy to use, and what was it?

BTW, loved your recent show in Chicago, even if I didn't love my first taste of Malört.

Good Malort to you.

Never anything offensive. And crazy is what we want for the show. The only ones that we can't really here are:

1) DISPUTES WITH ONESELF (too referential) 2) DISPUTES WITH WORLD GOVERNMENTS OR VAGUE PHILOSOPHIES (too psychotic) 3) DISPUTES WITH ME (I am never wrong).

Big fan, Mr. Hodgman - ever since you sold all those computers what feels like eons ago.

How do you feel about your writings inspiring fans to soil their bodies forever with acts such as this, (my girlfriend's 2011 tattoo):

http://d3j5vwomefv46c.cloudfront.net/photos/large/377257119.jpg?1313791475

I urge people to not tattoo themselves with images from my books, as such things are permanent, and it will also cause them to summon demons.

But I must inform you that that picture has been my desktop image for years ever since I saw it on twitter.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS MY DESKTOP IMAGE.

What is your high score at George Plimpton's Video Falconry? I can't get past Stage 45 - Chateau Marmot. I'm currently sporting a level 23 Goshawk, equipped with +2 talons of grasping, but I'm thinking of switching to some sort of buteo, like a Swainson's Hawk. Any advice?

Also, have you heard anything concrete about a Bored to Death movie? It's been much rumored and discussed, but any sold information would be nice to know. It was such a hilarious (and strangely gentle) show that approached uncommon topics like aging, rivalry, parenthood, professional success (or lack thereof), the ever increasing sense of our own mortality, and marijuana consumption in interesting ways.

That video game is fictional, no matter WHAT YOU PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE ME BELIEVE.

I think it's been reported, and I can confirm, that Jonathan Ames has been hired to write a screen play for a BTD movie. But who knows what will happen then.

Thank you for your thoughtful assessment of the show. I agree with it. I miss that show a lot!

You have been a creative player in multiple forms of media (books, TV, movies, radio, internet, ostensibly macaroni or finger paint at some point).

In what media do you most want to push ahead?

What do you hope will be your legacy? Besides the Apple ads.

I really want to get into making god's eyes and decoupage.

But until I break into that market, I've really been enjoying live performance. It is incredibly challenging and terrifying and rewarding creatively--a completely new kind of writing for me.

I would be extremely proud if I was remembered for nothing but the Apple ads, as they were profound fun and an incredible time in my life.

But the COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE cycle of books, audiobooks, live shows, and now the Netflix special is about the closest expression of pure me that exists.

What are your thoughts on the film "Zardoz"?

Sean Connery's mustache was bigger than his bathing suit.

When will you and Bruce Campbell resume your beautiful and inevitable friendship?

I don't think it has ever ended. Unless he says so. One of my great regrets is that a long planned family vacation made it impossible for me to guest on Burn Notice and play Bruce's IRS auditor. HOW DID I ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN? Dumb family vacations.

How do you feel about John Oliver's work so far hosting the Daily Show?

John Oliver is doing an AMAZING job. He's one of the smartest, quickest, and most consistently skilled comedians I know.

Hello Mr. Hodgman! I’m a fan of your books, Ragnarok on Netflix, hodgepodge of appearances on Community, FoTC, Battlestar Galactica and the Daily Show, and your podcast*. My question is regarding the Judge John Hodgman Show.

What was the hardest verdict for you to hand down? Often it seems like you favor one side because of personal views, but then you side with the opposition because it’s fair, logical, etc.

Thank you!

*for anyone who hasn’t yet listened to the Judge John Hodgman Show, I suggest Die Flederhaus, which is the episode that got me hooked.

Without question it was ruling on whether or not a couple should reveal the truth of Santa Claus to their children (that is to say, Santa Claus is actually a bigfoot. SORRY KIDS).

I ordered them to tell the truth. I think that's the right call. I have never failed by being gentle but candid with my own human children. That is the legacy of Fred Rogers in action.

How many future presidents will have hooks for hands?

They have a cure for that now, so probably none.

Hi John, is there any way I can pay for/legally download RAGNAROK if Netflix hasn't made it to my country yet? Cheers.

No. Not yet. What country?

Hello John Hodgman! (my question is in the third paragraph)

I have been a big fan since your wonderful 'straight man' cameo in Flight Of The Conchords. I own That Is All, regularly enjoy the Judge John Hodgman podcast, buzz marketed Ragnarok on my social media wall and even played it on Netflix the first day it appeared before I had a chance to sit down and enjoy it the following afternoon. I am also a sufferer of exercise-induced asthma (activated by running and biking up any kind of hill) and have one human child who recently woke up requesting a glass of water.

I hope this question is not too personal, but I am curious about how the disputes on JJH work and think an awful lot about what it means when good friends drift apart.

Based on mutual podcast appearances (and a number of your online pics) you seem to be very close with a couple of media folk who no longer appear to be speaking to each other. What would it take to have them reconcile on a Very Special Episode of Judge John Hodgman? Could such a dispute/discussion be proposed by yourself (or a third party) or would one (or both) of the estranged actually need to submit the matter to the court?

Thanks!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for your kind words and support.

Since we are speaking in code, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, and it breaks my heart as well.

But one thing I half-knew before the podcast and now know well, you can't force someone to like things they don't like, and you can't force people to work through their feelings any faster than they want. Even if you do have a podcast.

Mr. Hodgman, I can't help but notice the increasing frequency in which you perform with a ukulele. Will there be a "John Hodgman: More Ukulele Than You Require" album in the future?

I currently own three ukuleles, one for every song I can reliably play. So: probably no. I am just learning still!

Judge,

I got fennel in this weeks cropshare. What the heck should I cook with this plant?

Thank you, Ben E.

If it's really fresh and a small enough bulb to be tender, just cut it up into slivers and eat it raw before dinner with a Campari like it's MOTHER LOVING SARDINIA ITALY!

How charmingly British is John Oliver in real life?

Even his teeth have bad teeth.

Will you continue to use your 'deranged millionaire' moniker well after you've broken into the billions and trillions of American net worth dollars?

I think I am gently moving away from that John Hodgman character to be the John Hodgman character who is more or less just John Hodgman.

Have you kept in touch with Cuervo Man?

Yes. His name is Ryan McDonough. He got married and moved to LA where he is acting and doing other stuff. Please follow him on twitter: https://twitter.com/McShowoff He is a good dude.

Fans of the You Look Nice Today podcast hear you a handful of times per show, as a kind of spoken intermezzo (credited as “Dr. Nguyen”, the professional voice actor .)

How did the YLNT connection come about?

Not to name drop, but I knew Merlin and Scott LONG before YLNT. Merlin called one day and asked me to read some items into the telephone, and I said, I LOOK FORWARD TO ALL MY ROYALTIES. So he credited me as Nguyen.

I met lonely sandwich when Coulton and I GUESTED on the program, and now I love them all.

Any new books on the horizon?

I don't know. I don't aim to write another book of fake trivia. That was always designed as a trilogy, and the alternate USA that I created in THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE was destroyed by the end of THAT IS ALL, on purpose.

My writing is more frank and candid, though equally weird. And I have been doing more writing on stage than ever before, in unadvertised shows in Brooklyn called SECRET SOCIETY, which has utterly changed my life.

Would you rather fight 1 Oscar Wilde-sized Jon Stewart or 100 Jon Stewart-sized Oscar Wildes?

Jon Stewart is a normal sized man. 100 JS-sized Wildes would pithy me to death in an instant.

Good evening Mr. JOHN HODGMAN.

My parents say RAGNAROK is just an old Norse legend. How can I convince them my urine-hoarding is rational?

Sincerly, Stewbuilder Dennis

It's only hoarding if your shelves aren't also filled with survival mayo. You're going to need it to get the pee stains out.

I can't offer a better answer than that.

What is with that one guy at the Bell House during RAGNAROK that has approximately zero change in his facial expression for the entire duration of the show?

I'm sure he's a nice guy. He haunted me throughout the editing process. I was hoping no one would notice him, but since you have, let's just say that HE WAS A GHOST. That was actually an empty chair when we shot it.

Do people still call you PC on the streets? Just to let you know, I would call you Mr. Hodgman, because I don't know you well enough to call you John, YET.

Yes, and I am always happy when they do, because it is not as often, and I still enjoy remembering that role of a lifetime.

Please do not call me Mr. Hodgman. "JOHN HODGMAN" is fine.

How did you get into the Mountain Goats?

Also I'm a Big Fan Etc.

My sister in law and her husband gave me Tallahassee the Christmas before I started writing THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE, and it is just one of those things that attached right to the happiness (and beautiful sorrow) centers of my brain, like the Long Winters or Thao.

On the WTF podcast you were talking about the illusion of authenticity. As a young small business owner I constantly come into contact with people who are friendly for the sake of wanting a favor. As someone who has celebrity status; how do you distinguish genuinely good people looking for friendship and people who are quite frankly just being people? I find it hard to comprehend how well-known people even begin to trust anyone and how that affects day to day relationships.

You distinguish between phonies and reals the same way anyone does. Which of them are around when YOU need help?

Also, the phonies have hidden panels on the back of their necks. You can feel them pretty easily.

Scrapple. Yay or nay?

You must be joking. First, in that context it's "Yea," not "Yay." And second, BOTH YEA AND YAY FOREVER.

But HABERSETTS only please.

is Yale better than Harvard?...why?

Yes. Harvard may be richer, but Yale is still the technical HQ of the Secret World Government.

PS: THERE IS NO SECRET WORLD GOVERNMENT.

Are you still friends with Mac (Justin Long) from those cheeky Apple ads in the mid 2000s?

Yes. I love him. I was at his birthday party on June 2 and he gave me a bottle of Moxie for my birthday on June 3.

CUTE RIGHT?

I'm an unpublished writer. So far my book has been rejected by 60 or so agents. Should I kill myself? Do you have an unpublished novel out there or just the COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE books?

DO NOT KILL YOURSELF

Neil Gaiman has probably offered the best advice to aspiring authors over the years on his tumblr and blog; but the trick truly is to keep writing.

The first book may not be the one. Or the 61st agent may be. Just when you think you are out of luck, ideas, patience, options, if you keep writing, you will find something new.

THE AREAS OF MY EXPERTISE was my first book, but it was barely a book, so.

What are the differences between being a comedian, and being a humorist?

I think humorist connotes writing humor and comedian connotes stand up. That's why I always shied away from the term comedian. But as my imitation of stand up has hit a certain turing test level of being indistinguishable to most from actual stand up, the distinction means less to me.

A lot of your podcast guests seem to be from the Philadelphia area. I believe you personally have connections to the area. Can I buy you a special at Bob and Barbara's?

YES PLEASE

Mr. Hodgman-

I understand that you have written a series of books containing COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE. However, were there any topics you wished to discus in your books that were left on the cutting room floor?

The Great Mail Order Secret Societies of the World.

It was funny to me when it seemed like you and Paul F. Tompkins both grew mustaches around the same time. Do you know which one of you did it first?

Paul did. I grew mine in honor of him when he got a job and couldn't go on the first Coulton Cruise.

Although, I had grown one in 1999 and had been looking for an excuse to do so again ever since.

in order to avoid a war, we split up the country. He controls mustache comedy west of the Mississip. I, the east.

How much fun did you have making Bored To Death? Also will Ragnarok ever be available outside of Netflix?

I had pretty much all the fun. I miss those guys so much, including the real Jonathan Ames, my old friend. It was immediately apparent that Jason, Zach, and Ted had an incredible comedic chemistry, and watching that chemical reaction burn so bright in real time was an honor.

I hope there is a movie. There might be.

My happy arrangement with Netflix is an exclusive one for some months. I'll keep you posted as to what happens after that. But subscribe to Netflix! IT HELPS ME and it is not too expensive and you get all these Doctor Who's and stuff.

Dear John,

I'm afraid it is just not working out. Ahahaha. That's a fresh one, you can use it if you want.

My question is: Do you ever fax with Morrissey? If so, what do you fax about? If not, what would you fax about?

Regards,

Cam

I am a fan, but I do not have his fax number.

What will it take to resuscitate the Little Gray Book Lecture Series? You do not have to schedule the next one around my vacation.

If the limiting factor is the amount of work you're doing across other media, please have less success. Sorry, and thank you.

Two words, Matt: SECRET SOCIETY.

If I had a disagreement with you (I don't, by the way), would you be able to hear as a judge and remain impartial?

NOPE. YOU ARE WRONG AGAIN!

Dear Judge Hodgman, What is the name of your moustache? My fiancee says all gentlemen name their moustaches. Thank you.

Hohn Jodgman.

Hey Mr. Hodgman, let's use my ferret to steal a diamond! Also, unrelated question: are there any scams you haven't told us about yet to be wary of?

There is this old trick where someone on a popular website tries to trick you into writing original comedy material.

Mr Hodgman, as I was watching Ragnarok for the third time today i noticed that your glorious neckmeat seems to be less glorious with subsequent viewings, is this wizardry?

No. You are just getting used to my neck flesh. It happens. Because my neck flesh is hypnotic.

Hey John!

How do you feel about starring in the commercials that eventually would tear youtube comments apart over PC vs. Mac arguments whenever it was uploaded?

I am thrilled by it forever, of course.

After reading your book "More Information Than You Require" I have one question, what should I wear while eating oysters?

Wear a black armband while eating oysters in honor of the creature you are consuming alive.

Can you hurry this up so i can watch mad men?

I am going on for another half hour no matter what choices you make in your life.

Do you agree with Ernest Rutherford that physics is the only real science, and that all the rest are just stamp collecting?

There is also phrenology.

Thank you for this AMA and all the laughs you've provided over the years!

• What got you into comedy?
• Moment in your career that made you go "Wow, I never would have dreamed I'd get to do this"
• What was your favorite part of filming Ragnarok?
• Would love to have you be a guest on an episode of my podcast to nerd out about tv, film, etc. Can we make this happen?

Thank you again for this AMA and look forward to your responses!

Since that's four questions, I'm going to have to do this lightning round

1. McSweeney's and Dave Eggers's encouragement that it's OK to just be funny.
2. Flying across the country in first class with Loni Anderson after doing an Apple ad.
3. The martini at the end.
4. I regret I must say no. I have almost literally run out of minutes in this year, but thank you.

My first son was born yesterday. I need a nickname for him as catchy/clever as Hodgmina & Hodgmanillo, yet cannot think of anything that works with 'Morris'. Go.

CONGRATULATIONS. Why not just call him "little johnny hodge"?

Is Ragnarok still going to happen in the future? If so, will the Norse predictions occur, or will the Aesir die of smoking and other lifestyle related causes, as the actuaries suggest?

At this point, as I age, I realize I do not know the future. I do not know everything. I hardly even know some things. And I am enjoying the surprises.

What was your all-time favorite skit to perform on The Daily Show? What type of influence has Jon Stewart and The Daily Show had on your career?

I sort of answered this above. Net Neutrality was a good one. More recently I feel I've calmed enough that I can just enjoy doing comedy with Jon, no matter what the script says. Blacking out my tooth for the Beryllium sketch was fun.

The Daily Show changed my life COMPLETELY, offering me a career I never imagined I would have. I am still astonished, 7 years later.

How did you end up working with TMBG? Did you come up with the Deranged Millionaire concept or was that their idea? Thank you!

I met them via McSweeney's. They asked me to film a series of intros to their "Venue Songs" videos. Flans had sketched out that I was a mysterious narrator. I think I decided that I would be a bored, deranged millionaire who hates TMBG. Though that may have been his as well.

After that they wrote that song for their podcast, "Yeah, The Deranged Millionaire," which also serves as the theme for JOHN HODGMAN: RAGNAROK. That song is one of the complete delights of my life.

Hey! Fellow Park Sloper here. Why haven't I seen you around? What's a good place to catch you and Eugene hamming it up?

Thanks for stalking! I've been traveling during a lot of June, and I will be gone gone gone to points unknown much of the summer. But in the fall, Eugene and I often perform, together and separately, at Bell House and Union Hall. I think we both have websites.

Is it possible that we were saved from Ragnarok by the combined efforts of the hoboes and the denizens of Hohoq?

Certainly not the hoboes. Most likely Dozgoth the Pitier.

I just saw your comedy special, Ragnarok, and loved it. Do you plan on doing more specials (Netflix or otherwise) similar to this in the future?

Thank you. I hope so. That is why I am pretty shameless in asking people to subscribe to Netflix and watch it straight through. It's the only metric Netflix has to go by, and I would love to work with them again.

What brand of mustache wax do you use?

Chuck Bryant of Stuff You Should Know is married to a great woman named Emily who has a soap company called www.loveyourmama.com

She gave me a jar of great mustache wax once. I don't know if she still makes it. I also use Redken Matte Sponge 05, which was given to me for my hair one time.

as the smartest person in the world, what's the best thing to order in a chinese restaurant?

Sauteed dry string bean with pork at Grand Szechuan Empire on 9th Avenue in Chelsea, Manhattan.

SORRY: Grand Sichuan International

1 Don Draper-sized Donald Duck, or 100 Donald Duck-sized Don Drapers?

IS THAT A MAD MEN SPOILER?

When you're not being an expert or Ayn Rand or otherwise entertaining, how do you spend your free time? What are your hobbies outside of work?

I read half a Hawkeye comic by Matt Fraction and then fall asleep.

Lord Hodgman,

I bought and consumed all of world knowledge through your pen, and I must say, some I would have never expected, but even more so, I was surprised that it was finite. Should I use something akin to the bible code to get the rest of world knowledge from your books?

As time goes on, knowledge increases, so I would assume you intended your books to either be a snapshot of all knowledge as of the publishing of the last one, or as mystical tomes with hidden secrets. Which one is it? (Or is the latter masquerading as the prior?)

The books make up COMPLETE WORLD KNOWLEDGE as pertains to the alternate universe they describe, and which was destroyed by the century toad on 12/21/12.

You've written a bunch of really funny books. What are the main differences between comedy in standups/on TV, and comedy in the written word?

Written comedy has some extra leeway to provoke other reactions besides audible laughter.

Why are you wearing no shoes in the special?

That is how deranged millionaire's dress. To increase their own comfort, and to decrease yours.

So, MR. HODGMAN, after consulting your areas of expertise, I found myself as a hobo on the flying state of Hohoq. Much to my dismay, the Thunderbirds do not recognize the ways of the Hobo, and the German Americans are much too German.

Do you have a special hobo symbol to express this situation?

I can't do emojis on this thing.

BUT THANK YOU FOR READING MY BOOKS SO CLOSELY!

1. What song do you sign to tour children at night? I like birdhouse in your soul.

2. Why does the meloet bottle never make it to me at your Chicago shows?!?

1. When they were little it was Siyahamba by Dan Zanes and Surrounded by Friendship by Cynthia Hopkins. Now it's pretty much Thrift Shop.

2. You are just naturally lucky I guess.

What is the most deranged thing you have ever done with your million airs?

I bought my wife a piece of original Alice Provensen children's book art, just cause I wanted. That felt pretty damn worldly of me.

http://www.amazon.com/Animal-Friends-Maple-Hill-Farm/dp/0689844999

You claim to be a "failed doomsday prophet", but I never remember you specifying which calendar ragnarok would occur in, presumably not Gregorian, so which is it?

My presumption would be Quarjewnian (which is the Jewish calender, divided by 4. More useful than it sounds)

I gave myself some outs in THAT IS ALL to explain why Ragnarok might NOT happen. But let's face it, I blew it. The world didn't end on 12/21/12, night of JOHN HODGMAN: RAGNAROK. It just continues to end in the same dumb slow way it always has.

Did your sweet mustache require performance enhancement drugs of any kind?

WAX

Aside from your ivy league education, did you take any classes (acting, improv, etc.) to prepare for your current career as a resident expert?

Also, you should totally do the Chris Gethard Show sometime.

I took a really hard acting class with the great Joan Rosenfels in New York in 2009. I ought to do it again. Otherwise, what chops I have were honed at the old Galapagos in Williamsburg and other bars where I hosted readings and performed monologues.

What advice do you have for a newbie to the ukulele?

Use the internet. That's how I learned. There are a huge number of resources out there. www.ukehunt.com is a great site. I only recently got the joke of their name, by the way, because I am an innocent.

I was right near the front for your recent performance in the fictional city of Chicago, and your green underpants were splendid. How often do you watch Downton Abbey with your cats?

I binged Downton with my cats until all the Downton was done. Now we are waiting.

What is your favorite bourbon and why is it Woodford Reserve?

Not Woodford. One day someone told me it smelled like bananas and that's all I can think about now. I enjoy rye more than bourbon these days. Bulleit in particular. But no buzz marketing.

Thanks for doing this. How do you think John Oliver is doing on The Daily Show? Specifically, how do you think he compares to Jon Stewart?

All comparisons are odious.

What is your favorite color?

I am sorry everyone that our time is up. This was tremendous fun--I thank you.

Apologies to those still waiting for answers. Now that the world has not ended, I realize that sometimes answers never come, and it's not the end of the world.

Thank you once again, and my final response: BLUE OR GREEN!