I am Adam Carolla - Comedian, TV Host, NY Times Best Selling Author, Filmmaker, Fighter of Patent Trolls, Racecar Driver, and Guinness Record Holding Podcaster - Ask Me Anything.

Hey Man Show, what you been up to.. nothing? Don’t worry things will turn around for ya.

that's funny. thanks.

Mr. Carolla,

Between Loveline and The Man Show, you made an indellible impact on my adolescent mind/genitals. That said, one moment stands out above all else in my memory: your spider friend.

I seem to remember you discovering him in your electrical box, and for the next week you would not shut up about him on Loveline. It was the most hilarious thing I had ever heard, having you interupt people as they confessed to all manner of deviancy, only to ask them if they knew what spiders like to eat. And then, when the spider died, you shared a poignant moment with all your listeners.

So my point is, I still think about that spider sometimes. Do you?

Never, until this moment.

Hi Adam.

Would you win in a 1v1 carpenter competition against Nick Offerman?

If it was something practical, like building a house, yes. If it was something artistic, like turning a wooden bowl, then no.

You got any dip?

pussy.

Dude, you handled Steve-O's drunk ass so well on Too Late with Adam Corolla. What was going through your head during that interview? I think you're funny as shit, by the way. Thanks for coming to reddit!

Link to the interview for those interested:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_rafFvbCf4Y

Thanks.

what was going through my head was "please don't stop the cameras because I don't want to have to reshoot this segment. And please don't help me, I'm fine."

Adam, can you please ask Lynch to type out your top 5 favorite albums?

In no particular order:

"Loose" by Victoria Williams, Graham Parker's "The Up Escalator", John Hiatt's "Bring the Family", Elvis Costello's "Armed Forces", and "The Best of The Spinners."

[deleted]

I suppose it's true. I haven't weighed every option. And I'm always going to have and seek modality to communicate with people in an open forum.

The movie's coming along amazingly well, I'm very excited about it. There's a lot more to post-production than just editing. I don't have a hard timeline but the goal is to get it into theaters as soon as possible.

So far I've been focusing on my areolas.

My grandfather's chicken paprikash.

Is there or has there ever been a guest you'd never allow back on your show?

Phil Spector's wife seemed particularly awful.

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

I don't have strict rules about guests. I think that's more of the realm of Conan or Letterman. I'm the guy that was physically assaulted by Steve-O and had him back 2 weeks later.

Welcome back Aceman! You're one of the most open-book broadcasters out there but you've been pretty hush-hush about the Donny lawsuit, for obvious reasons. Once it's all over will we get to hear all of the dirt or will you be blocked from speaking about it?

I don't know how that stuff works, but when it's all over I'll keep you posted.

What's the most disgusting thing Jimmy Kimmel has ever eaten in front of you?

piece of Canadian Bacon that was put on a cork board and remained there with a pin through it for 1 year.

Adam over the years you've seemed to rely less on the (shitty) callers that call into your shows and more on your rants. Some fans enjoy your rants just as much as you bantering with callers. Is there a reason why you don't use them for their comedy gold as much as you used to in the past? Also Mangria is fucking fantastic and gets me drunk off of one glass.

Thank you.

When we moved to podcasting the phone set up was a little shaky, so I suppose I learned to not rely on the phones for the first year or so, and then it just became a habit.

Hey Adam, what's the best car (new or used) under $30,000 for a first time car buyer?

Find a used Infiniti G35 with low miles.

Ace, do you wash your hands after you take a shit?

rarely.

Adam, how is it going against those patent troll fuck balls?

It's good in a sense that they don't have a case.

It's bad in the sense that it's very expensive. Thanks for asking

Hi Adam, my dog got killed yesterday and she was like my best friend. Any advice on how to cope with her loss? I'm having a really hard time dealing with it right now.

Mangria

I feel bad for using your loss as a way to plug my product. Go down to the pound and get a new dog and watch the movie "Love and Death" by Woody Allen.

Aceman, Get it on!

How much toilet paper does the Porcelain Punisher make Ace Broadcasting go through?

That's like asking how much krill does a sperm whale eat a year. It's not a measurable amount, we know it's enormous.

Can you bring back the Dave's of Thunder podcast?

No, I think that ship has sailed.

You claim the ability to complain about anything.

Can you complain about the nickname "Ace"?

It was originally given to me in an ironic fashion for being a fuck-up. Like calling a fat guy "Stretch."

Hi, Adam. In your new book, you praise our space program as a symbol of how advanced we are and how far we've come as a society, yet you also call for the elimination of NASA. So which is it? Is/was a space program a good thing for our country to have or not?

Edit: appreciate being included in the wave of gold. Get it on!

I like when guys like Elon Musk and other privateers enter that realm. They magically seem to be able to do everything 10x cheaper and 10x faster.

Adam, given that you can't type, how is this happening? Maxipada as a typist?

yes.

Adam, huge fan here. Just wondering have you've enjoyed any modern day incest-themed porno since you loved taboo 2 so much back in the day?

No. But the day is young.

Aceman – get it on!! Recently purchased tickets for the Seattle show in a few months. Looking forward to seeing how the fudge is packed.

As a longtime listener, (first time typer?), I was curious, how does Lynette react to some of your comments about your family once you get home? You mention on the show that she listens to the Podcast, yet, like in the case of the bottle stopper, you have no problem flaming her on your show. Does she react kindly to your diatribes regarding her and the kids' and their consistent spending of your money?

Thank you and Mahalo!

I think, much like Edith Bunker, she finally figured out the best mode is to tune me out. And she's done a wonderful job of that.

Where do you see Carolla Digital 5 years from today?

Bigger, Better, and hopefully we'll cover as much ground as we did in the past 5 years. Hopefully expanding to making movies and documentaries and other things of that nature.

Where has Ozzy been? Did he go back to his home planet?

Also, is there a more "white guy" insult then "you're a real piece of work, buddy". ?

Ozzy has worked his way out of the inner circle because of his 3 hour lunch runs and $2000 flap steak cooking parties.

No.

[deleted]

I don't like talking about intimacy.

Any chance the Deaf Frat Guy: Lake Havasu spring break movie ever gets made?

If I crowd fund another movie and do it myself, then yes. If not, then no.

Would you be interested in a permanent role on Jimmy Kimmel's show? You two are great together.

Weirdly I've never thought about it, I couldn't see myself going somewhere 5 days a week with my current schedule, but if he'd like to become MY sidekick, I guess we could talk...

Who's the most overrated person and underrated person in America?

(They don't have to be the same person, but a triple word score to ya if they are)

Overrated - Heidi Klum. She has 2 huge TV shows and gets nominated for Emmy's every year, yet I've never heard anything that even remotely approached interesting come out of her mouth.

Underrated - You.

Adam, youve helped shape me into the man I am today. All the way back to learning to measure my penis (center of the anus to just beyond the tip) to the concept that if someone wants to do something... the freaking will. Oh, and my favorite quote of yours was when you came to Atlanta, I brought a hammer handle to have you sign. You simply said "Glad you brought your hammer" Signed it, then told me how I got ripped off for buying you book at the show. Epic.

My question is about the Film vault,what happened to it being a Carolla Network Podcast? I know you and Anderson arent super awesome together, but it seemed like they were performing and doing well, I would assume you could put aside personal conflict as long as they were making money.

Edit Holy crap? I never would have guessed this shitty comment would earn me gold. Thanks mystery man!

Thanks for the nice words.

It was their decision to leave, and I hear they're doing great.

Adam, you downtalk the playing of video games. yet now you are pushing Deer Hunter on your show. How can you justify pushing something that you feel is degrading society?

Edit: Thanks for the gold... ADAM??

I don't feel like anything in moderation, whether it's drinking, smoking, or video games, is a bad thing. I talk about the kids and young men who seem obssesed on it. And if you're obsessed with exercise or European literature, I would tell you to back off and balance out on that as well.

Can you tell us something about yourself that we may find surprising?

Edit: Never would I have ever expected gold for such a comment. Someone in here has a Goldfinger! Whoever you are, that is your new secret nickname. Thank you.

I will cry very easily in a sad movie, such as Brian's Song.

Hey Man Show, Have you had any guests that you really want on the podcast but haven't been able to get? Oh and any plans to tour with Prager again? I'd love to see you 2 in my city.

Tom Cruise.

Not in the near future.

Hey Ace Man,

Career question. I'm very early in my career, but already considering going out on my own and starting a business. As someone who has built up a small busines (and pirate ship), what pieces of advice would you have for someone considering this path? What are some of the biggest challenges you faced in the very beginning?

Thanks for fighting the good fight. Get it on!

Be willing to work weekends and for free for the first year or as long as it takes to start turning a profit. And make sure it's something you love doing so that working for free on weekends doesn't suck.

Hey Adam, thanks for helping me develop a problematic relationship with Mangria.

What career choice could your kids make that would disappoint you the most?

working for the city of Los Angeles

How awkward is it when the contractors are getting screamed at by the home owners?

extremely awkard.

Ace,

Get it on. Has Bald gotten an even bigger (bald) head since he has released his book and made the NYT Bestsellers list? Have you had to knock him down a peg or two in the last couple of weeks? Do I have to stay in my own tent or can I bounce from tent to tent?

Love, Niles Standish

no, actually he's been quite humble.

Hey, Ace Man. As someone who just graduated high school a few days ago, what would be one piece of advice you would want someone my age to have?

delayed gratification.

[deleted]

It'd be easy to say Ferrari GTO since they're worth $40 million. But to me the most beautiful would be a Ferrari 275 GTB 4 cam competizione speciale.

Mr. Carolla - how are the wife and kids? What are the chances you take over for Craig Ferguson and what can we do to help?

Wife and kids are good. and 0% chance. Thanks for the help but please don't try.

What type of celebration do you foresee when you defeat the patent trolls?

I go to work.

Did you ever get a "No" from Tom Cruise for the Newman doc, or just silence?

His people asked some questions that we didn't have answers to, so it was a polite "no."

Hi Adam, have you ever had sex with a black woman?

Sort of. There was some oral involved.

Mahalo Adam!

One of my favorite quotes from the Adam Carolla Podcast is “Don’t do your best, do my best.” It is actually a saying used frequently throughout the office. What other professional wisdom do you impart unto your employees at Carolla Digital?

P.S. Do you plan on doing the Adam Carolla Podcast live from the Brea Improv anytime in the near future? I am looking forward to sharing some laughs and a few glasses of Mangria the next time an event is scheduled.

P.P.S. Count me in for one Troll Fighter Sergeant's Care Package. TROLL FIGHTERS UNITE!

Thank you, and don't ever say after you fucked up that you "did your best." If a punter in the NFL punts a ball punts a ball that only goes 18 yards and then announces to his teammates and coach that "I did my best," then guess who's getting cut Monday morning. Whatever bad happens to you in your professional life, you would have brought it upon yourself.

Yes, I'm sure Mike will put a date in the calendar.

Thank you.

Aceman, If you had to choose the most "fun Job" please rank: Your Podcast, catch a contractor, Aceontheroof, Adam & drew show, carcast, standup, mangria, road hard, Newman doc... did I miss any?

Most fun to least: Adam and Dr Drew Carcast Ace on the House Newman doc (not fun but super satisfying) Adam Carolla Show Mangria Road Hard Stand up Catch a Contractor

Get it on Aceman. I'm excited about your upcoming Paul Newman Racing Doc. My question is, while doing the documentary, is there anything you learned about the man that surprised you?

Also I know you have one of his Z cars. Have you looked up/ tried to beat any of his lap records in his car?

I did not know how focused and obsessed with racing he truly was. I knew it was a great passion of his but until I began this documentary, I didn't know how deep it went.

Good question - so far the only track I've raced his big Z car on has been Laguna Seca, and they changed the configuration of the track so all stats would be out the window. I'm just finishing another one of his big Z cars and I suppose one day I'll get it to Road Atlanta and see just how much faster he was.

Hey Adam, huge fan here, your podcast keeps me sane in LA traffic every day. My question is would you ever consider a run for any sort of political office?

I realize political correctness isn't your strong suit but I really think there's enough people out there who would really crave an honest politician who actually says what they think and does what they say.

Once in a while, just before I fall asleep, the thought runs through my head like some Robin Williams movie from the late 90's - where America just gets behind me and my straight talk that comes from the heart and not a teleprompter. But then I realize my poor kids would be tortured by every asshole and the group they claim to represent when I spoke the truth.

Hey Adam, When does the Patent Troll case go to court and what can we do to help? It seems like this should be a easy decision, but these patent trolls in the US have been abusing the system for to long.

Also on a side note, I thought it was BS how you were fired from Celebrity Apprentice.

Thanks and September. You can go to http://fundanything.com/patenttroll for ways to support.

and thanks, it's a long story, but it's fine.

I loved your work on Crank Yankers. Any funny moments from filming/recording that show that you can remember?

Fucking amazing work throughout your career/ thanks for the endless laughts!

Thanks. Many funny behind the scene moments. The one that comes to mind is when one of the writers who was laying on the floor of the studio did a scissor fart and Dane Cook, who was recording, was seriously upset.

What music do you like that's from present day?

Whenever a guest comes on the podcast and plays a new song live, I always enjoy it. As far as bands and artists, I'm not really up to date so I couldn't answer.

Adam, I would like to know if you could get an music album together with you and David Allen Grier? Remake all the old unfortunate hits.

Sounds good

You had a pretty epic rant on the "Participation Trophy Generation" awhile back. Do you feel that all of these recent school shootings and rampages have something to do with this type of upbringing?

I don't know if there's a direct correlation, but it certainly hasn't helped.

What was your most memorable experience with Dr. Drew on Loveline?

We had many. I think the night when I had horrendous gas is the most memorable.

Adam, I'm a huge fan of yours. I own all of your books and have followed your career closely. I also really enjoy Catch-A-Contractor.

Question 1: Has there been any interesting moments (scuffles, fights, flops) that haven't been aired on Catch A Contractor for some reason?

Question 2: You haven't appeared on The O'Reilly Factor in some time, did something happen we don't know about? Secondly, if you were elected president and could change one thing about our system with one executive action, what would it be?

Thanks!

No, they do a great job of capturing all the interesting moments and putting them on the show.

I was in studio with him a few weeks back on the book tour and have another segment coming up, I believe this Friday.

People who can't afford kids - stop having kids. It's all I've ever said since Loveline in the mid-90s