NSFW. Hi Reddit! I am a trans woman who had SRS ("sex change"), regretted it, and had surgery to get a penis again. That surgery failed. AMA.

That's unfortunate. Never heard of buyer's remorse on a spankin' new vagina. Did you know about the difficulty in returning to a dangler after the initial surgery before you went under the knife?

I didn't know as much as I do now, but I did know about phalloplasty.

1. How do you identify as a woman but still regret having your penis removed? Why would you want to be a woman and treated as a woman but not take part in everything involved with being a woman?
2. If I'm understanding correctly, you're a woman attracted to other women, so you're a lesbian. How would other lesbians/women you wanted to have a relationship with react to you having a penis but the rest of the characteristics of a woman?

1. I know it's strange and it's hard to explain. The best way I can put it is that there are trans women who get all kinds of surgeries/hormones/treatments but don't go "all the way" and get SRS. These women are called non-op. Some don't get it done because of health or financial reasons, but some refuse SRS because they want to keep their penis. I should have just been a non-op but I didn't have all that much experience with vaginas and I had surgery done while I was getting my breast implants done. I felt really bad about my breasts before. I feel the same as a non-op woman who got her penis smashed in a car accident or something.

2. Well, my long time girlfriend is ok with it now. If we broke up or she died or whatever though, other women would have to take me as I am. If they don't like it and I have to remain single for a longer time or forever, well, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Was it that the initial SRS did not give you the outcome you expected (like the surgery went wrong somehow?) or was it that you actually missed your penis and didn't feel right without it? Is it that you actually hated the outcome of your SRS surgery, versus just feeling neutral about it, or did the surgery make it so you actually discovered you liked having a penis?

It was after my initial SRS I discovered I liked having a penis better.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but at what point do you just live with the decision you made?

Never, as long as there is a medical option to fix it.

Fair enough, I suppose. It just seems like such a colossal waste of money to have a weird mutilated looking dick. Maybe tech has improved, but I've never seen a vagina to cock surgery that looked the least bit realistic.

Phalloplasty takes multiple surgeries (usually 3) and most of the time you are looking at a cock that has only had 1 surgery and it is still swollen (HA) and bloody and stuff right after surgery.

I've seen a few after stage 3 and they do look good.

Mine surprisingly looked good (sorry, bragging but true story) before they removed it.

Minus the necrosis? Sorry, had to.

Well, it didn't necrotise right away.

Sorry, I really didn't mean to be insensitive. I wish you all the best in your pursuit of penis!

I know you were just playing. :)

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The nerves are functional for sensation purposes, but a pump is required for erection. Nerves aren't the only thing required for erection, it's also the unique chambers that fill with blood inside a natural penis. Surgery can't recreate that (yet?).

Yeah, but it's non functional, right?

So what's the point of having it, really?

No, it functions. A bit different though.

Care to expand on that?

Edit: Oh lord, accidentally made a funny.

Biggest difference is that the sexual sensation is stronger at the base, rather than the tip.

In terms of feeling more comfortable and right with a penis, or in terms of sexually interacting with other people? Neither? Both?

Both.

How much money have you spent on transitioning? Why are they doing the second phalloplasty for free?

Hormones, general doctor visits, therapy = I don't know. Maybe a few thousand over the last decade?

Electrolysis: between $5,000-$10,000

Facial surgery: $25,000

Breast implants and SRS: about $8,000, IIRC

Phalloplasty: 21,000 euro ~= $27,000.

Does not include travel costs.

They are doing my second phalloplasty for free because I don't know, they don't want to screw over a patient because she had a complication? Jeez.

The loss of the phallus may have been because they screwed something up or could have been something with my anatomy, no one really knows for sure. The docs were stunned by it. The one who spoke the best English she said to me it's very unusual we lost the flap, you're young, healthy, not a drug abuser or smoker...

What is your job where you can afford this?

Professor.

I've also learned to live a fairly spartan life.

What do you profess, professor?

I'm paranoid and going to keep this secret.

I just want to hear from a student that had you for the duration of all of this. I can't imagine they went the entirety without mentioning Mr.Reallydiditnow and then Ms.Reallydiditnow and someone saying "Wait you had him and now you have his wife?" and having to explain it... and then later on saying Mr.Reallydiditnow after having explained that and having someone correct him "No, she's a Ms. now" and the student has to be like "No... no he's a Mr. again"

I had already had my FFS before I started teaching, and well, I don't talk to my students about such things.

Thank you for answering! It's great that they are doing the second one for free, I was just curious if there was another reason because it seems like people are always getting charged as much money as possible, sometimes particularly for things they really need.

Did you pay out of pocket for most of these, or was all/some of it covered by health insurance?

I was rather upset when they removed the phallus 13 days after the initial surgery. Life can be awfully cruel you know? I was actually making a gun to shoot myself in the head gesture and a hanging or choking myself gesture after I woke up from that surgery to the nurses. The one was like NO and shaking her head.

Relatively soon after two of assistant doctors who are part of the team came in to my hospital room and sat on my bed. The guy doc just sat there and put his hand on my leg. The girl doc rubbed my arm and my leg on the other side and held my hand and said "____ (name withheld) don't worry, we just want to tell you Dr. Miro is not going to abandon you, you're his patient now and we will find a way to make a surgery work for you"*** Really shows how some people instead of being greedy are kind.

Yes I paid out of pocket for the vast majority of the cost. I've only had insurance fairly recently and that has mostly just paid for general doctor visits and therapy which is a tiny fraction of my overall expenses. And even then like insurance companies do, the bastards have tried to deny some claims.

*** I've been crying since typing that part.

Man. That's amazing that 1) they're re-doing it for free and 2) genuinely care about you. That's amazing.

I have an add-on question: do you think you'd be happier if you got breast implants but didn't have your penis removed?

In response to your add on question:

yes.

I noticed it said you had suicidal tendencies, please never give into those, no matter what that is never the answer and it doesn't help at all. Good luck with your next surgery.

<3 I won't.

Part of me is not surprised you are being denied claims. You are having "unnecessary" (in the eyes of an insurance provider) operations. The other part of me thinks insurance should pay for everything, because I fucking hate insurance companies, they are the biggest piece of shit scum bags on earth, on par with bankers. So those mother fucks should pay for everything.

No I meant stupid crap like I got denied a claim seeing a doc because my hand had swelled up after surgery and they fixed it.

I support OP's transition, but I have to admit, I do not support the idea of someone doing a major part of the surgery with a "meh" enthusiasm about it.

Not being in a good state of mind while doing something major like that was also, IMO, not a good idea. Waiting until one is in a more collected state of mind, I feel, would have been a good move.

I wish OP good luck with the surgery, and hope it all works out, but I feel there is a lesson to be learned here for others.

I know it was a bad choice and dumb idea. I freely admit it.

Why did you want to change your sex?

I felt unhappy "being a boy" my whole life. For as long as I can remember. I had long hair growing up and couldn't bear being treated as a boy/young man. I identified more with girls, but I was more of a socially isolated kid who spent her childhood and young adulthood playing video games or in front of a TV screen. This was by choice, because again I couldn't stand being treated as a guy.

Do you think you would have had the desire to surgically change your body if you had been able to grow up as a male (sex) who did female (gender) things (wear dresses, makeup, play with dolls, etc.) without criticism from anyone?

Yes. I was very dysphoric about many male features other than my genitals.

You can be our bro-dette

???

like, dudette, except bro, is what I think they're saying

Is it because I'm a gamer? :p

When you get your penis attached, do yoy get your old one or do you get to pick it.

No, the old one was used as skin to line the vagina and to make a clitoris but most of the erectile tissue was discarded. They create a new one with a graft from elsewhere on the body. Look at the picture - mine was taken from my side/back!

They did bury the remains of my old penis (stumps and clitoris) inside the new one.

I got to pick the size. 6 inches long by almost 6 inches in girth.

Now that's self control. Asking for a 6 inch when you can name youe own penis size.

Well, I'm just trying to copy my old one. 6 inches but pretty girthy.

I'm hoping that 6 inches was circumference and not diameter. lol

No, 6 inches was the radius. ;)

of course 6 inches circumference. 6 inches diameter isn't that like bigger than a piston in a car engine? rofl.

That's a cube of penis.

No, it's still a cylinder. Diameter 2 inches length 6 inches = 6 inches long, 6.28 inches thick.

The new penis can be functional as the old one? I mean, with the new one you can have erections etc?

No, I'd need a pump to get an erection.

As far as sensation goes, both sexual and tactile (most important - to avoid self injury) it is functional, but the site of the most sensation will be at the base rather than the head. Which is backwards kinda.

Let me just say though after my initial surgery and then emergency surgery to treat the blood clot (but before they had to remove it because of more clotting) one of the docs came in and did ultrasound on it every 2 hours or so the first night. He pulled on it and all and let me just say it hurt like a mfer. I kept saying ouch ow etc and he's just going "I know I know".

What is your favorite book?

Mass Effect: Ascension.

OK, that brings up a crucial question: FemShep or DudeShep? (And favorite love interest in the game?)

Femshep, Liara.

Follow up question:

Really?

Actually, not really.

So, random question: do you plan at all to have sexual intercourse that utalises your penis? In which case, (from what I understand, there's a device that can be used to mimic one), do you plan to sustain an erection?

...

Wait, because you started as a guy, can you still have an erection with a new penis? Would there still be a means of blood flow? Stupid question, I know. Really not meaning to offend, just in case, just genuinely curious.

Hope the surgery goes well for you!

I would need an erection device. It's not blood flow, it's lack of the unique chambers inside a natural penis. No other tissue in the body is like it.

And yes, I would have sex that utilizes my penis.

What sort of sensitivity would the new one have? Is it supposed to be anywhere near close to the original, or the vagina that was created?

Yes, I replied to a number of other posts regarding this. The sensation will be more at the base than the tip, which is weird but the sensation will be there.

In fact. It was. I felt nerve sensations go through the new penis even in my hospital bed. :)

And it hurt when the docs had to move it around / rebandage it etc.

sorry for the wrong terminology. but how to you now 'get off'. have the alterations changed the way you get stimulated now?

I haven't stimulated myself since surgery. Since they removed the new penis they had to bury the remains of the old one (now a clitoris and some stumps) underneath what is technically the mons. The whole area has been sore and has some stitches so I haven't touched it. I have had a few wet dreams since surgery though.

What's a wet dream like now?

Probably wet.

Actually dry.

I'm confused...

Orgasm sensation, but nothing comes out.

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No, I don't know anyone from when I was male other than my mother and grandmother. I moved out of state with my long time girlfriend (we met online). I had also, in fits of rage and depression in my college years just stopped hanging out with the few friends I had at the time.

I did end up telling my mother though, because she tried to get a hold of me while I was in Serbia and freaked out when she couldn't. My girlfriend refused to tell her what was going on, but I ended up telling her after the fact. She's cool with it. No, I am not going to tell my 91 year old granny. LOL.

how does granny react to the boobs?

She hasn't said anything about them.

So was the second surgery called an Addadictome ?

Ok Rush Limbaugh.

1.If I'm understanding this correctly- as of right now you don't have a penis OR vagina.. What exactly is the situation down there then? 2. How did they create the.... "Tunnel"(?) of the vagina? IE where a woman puts a tampon/penis etc. Did they just dig into your body and make a hole? How would that be sexually stimulating whatsoever?

1. Yes, when I had surgery two months ago the docs removed the vagina and created a scrotum from the labia and a penis from the donor site on my back.

Since the penis was lost because of blood clots/necrosis, they buried the clitoris (created from the head of penis 1.0)/nerve bundle underneath the skin/mons. They will utilize that stuff during the next phalloplasty attempt I get.

1. The tunnel of the vagina was created with penis and scrotal skin. It is sexually stimulating, but just like a "normal woman" the main sensation is in the clitoris.

What do you miss most about having a penis?

Looking down and seeing it when naked, in the shower, whatever. Feeling it there when I get in bed and lie on my side or belly. Also being easier to keep clean - though I don't have a vagina anymore now either.

If you don't mind my asking, how does urination work, with neither a penis nor a vagina?

Also, what will you wear for underwear and swimsuits? Boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, thongs, gaffes? I'm curious.

Well there's still a "pee hole" right now.

I wear boy shorts for underwear.

Cognitive dissonance level 9000

Truth.

I never hear reports from people who regret their surgeries or the change overall.

How often does that actually happen? There's a lot of youths now who are choosing to receive sex changes and their parents are largely supportive of those surgeries. I'm not at all saying that I don't support the trans community, because I really do. But I am concerned for a large portion of youths who might not be being honest with themselves.

When I was in highschool (it was a progressive/alternative highschool), it was definitely a trend to be bi, gay or trans. I understand how that might seem unbelievable. But in my community, it was normal. And being part of the lgbt community made you more worthwhile.

Regardless, a lot of those people later came out saying they were straight. So it's not hard for me to believe that there's some group of people who get surgeries and then realize that they felt better being their original sex before getting the change.

I feel like I'm not being very clear.

I guess, my questions are:

1) Do you support young people undergoing the transition early on (not necessarily surgery), or do you think they should wait until they're more knowledgeable?

2) Have you ever met a trans person who realized that they felt more comfortable before the transition?

1. Regarding this I can only say that I think an early transition would have saved me a lot of pain. I can't speak for others or whether it is best for them.

2. No.

how was sex with the vagina? easier or more difficult that a penis subjected to estrogen?

More difficult. I never engaged in penetration. My girlfriend fingered me once and it was... painful. Basically she (or I) would just rub my clitoris. There was some hypersensitivity.

As for my penis "subjected to estrogen" didn't change it much. I no longer had spontaneous erections and I had dry orgasms after awhile, but I had no problems with impotence (maybe required a tiny bit of stimulation first) or sensation.

How accepting are your family/friends of everything?

I haven't told that many people. Maybe 10. Every single one has been accepting of both my transition and wanting my penis back. During my transition my grandmother was instantly accepting, but I'm not going to tell her about wanting my penis back... that's mega awkward.

My mother took awhile (like 2-3 years) to come around on my transition at all. The friends I've told are all young gen Xers and gen Yers, who seem to be pretty tolerant on the whole trans issue period. It seems like the only thing they don't like is "tricking" a sexual partner, especially if that partner is a man. Glad I'm attracted to girls because I don't have to deal with that. :)

Do you feel that mandatory psychological evaluation prior to surgery or as a condition for receiving SRS is prejudiced or unfair in any way?

Yes.

One has the right to their body.

And also psychs ask the wrong questions.

Why do you want your penis back?

As a person with a natural vagina I can understand it is a lot of worm to maintain compared to a penis.

A lot of worm? What do you mean?

This might be kind of personal but just how acurrate can the sex change surgeries be as far as looks go? Ive always been curious as to if a partner would be able to tell if you had not told them yet

penis -> vagina if done well partner can't tell

vagina -> penis if done very well, borderline if partner wouldn't be able to tell.

This is kind of off topic, or at least not strictly relating to the SRS, but you mentioned hormone treatments, and I was curious if your sexual preferences changed; I've heard mention of that being a common occurrence with the hormone treatments, but that one's sexual preferences stay "straight" and "gay" but actual attraction varies as one's hormones change and sometimes with surgery.

You mentioned that you are exclusively attracted to women, but do you mean now, or you always have been. Did you experience this, or do you know anything about it?

As well, and this may be odd to answer, but how hard is it to find a partner? I know many in the LGBT community aren't comfortable with the "T" part of LGBT, and it doesn't get the kind of screentime and therefore the presence when compared to gay issues, and therefore people have less time to become comfortable with it. I'd assume that you'd tell someone about it ahead of time, (or you'd end up in some awkward encounters) but are there separate bars or meeting places? (like gay bars) And how would you know who's tran and who's trying to get a tran date? Or is it all online?

Its hard enough for me to find a date as a decently attractive, athletic, well off white guy in a densely populated area who's going to college, so I'm assuming there has to be some kind of special setup for a smaller demographic.

FINALLY, is the sex with your new penis going to be like it would for anyone else? (I saw you said you needed a device to maintain the erection, so excluding that) But is there going to be major loss of sensitivity?

Yes I have heard of people saying they experienced attraction changes on HRT. I did not. Always into the ladies :)

I've only had two girlfriends in my whole life. My current one I've been with for pushing a decade. We should probably get married after the DOMA thing went away too, just for legal protections. I don't see myself with anyone else, but if we were to break up or she died or something I don't know where I'd go to find a date. I found both girlfriends by happenstance, not by hook up spots.

And yes, other than the erection device and the greatest sensation being at the base rather than the head, it should be roughly normal. Let's just say I had sensation even in the hospital bed shoot through the new penis. It only went about halfway up, but I've been told that's normal. It takes about a year for the nerves to regrow completely to the tip (still would have sensation, just not as much as the base).

Hi. thanks for doing this AMA. Was your exclusive attraction to women the primary reason that you requested a phalloplasty? If not, what were some of the reasons that you wanted to correct it?

No, that was not the primary reason at all.

It is as hard to explain as being trans is to someone who is not trans to begin with. Having a vagina just did not fit my mental image of myself.

Why Serbia? I know you mentioned that that's where the surgical team practices, but what drew you to them specifically?

Because they take the graft from the lat, which leaves a hidden scar. Also, reputation.

It sounds like you just sort of went along with the SRS. Would you say that it was something you were excited about, had thought about, had fantasized about?

It just seems like a very strange thing to just go for, especially if you it was incongruent with your mental image of yourself.

I had breast augmentation done at the same time, and I was much more excited about that. I was kind of "meh" on SRS but I admit I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time. I was not excited about SRS in general (in fact I was actually worried), which should have been a huge fucking clue.

On the other hand, I think it was a general panic state because I was nervous as fuck before my facial surgery as well and I couldn't be happier with it. I figured the nervous feeling I had before SRS was similar to that.

Not to be indelicate, but I've always wondered if now that you have girl parts, do you still like anal sex? Serious question...

I always liked anal. :)

At what age did you decide you wanted to be a woman? It confounds me that you would make such a decision being attracted to females and all.

I wanted to be a woman for as long as I can remember. I hated being treated as a guy. I didn't think it was possible to change sex without looking like a man in bad drag until I was like 21-22 though.

As for being attracted to women, I didn't want to be with a woman -as a man- or -her boyfriend-! I was a virgin until I was 24 (I had been on hormones for over a year at that point and was living part time as a woman).

May I ask how did you loose your virginity and if it was to a women or a man?

Woman. Never been with a man.

does your voice sound feminine or manly

Feminine. I play online games and use VOIP. Never had an issue.

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Not sure if serious.

Neither has really bothered me. I typically sleep on my side, but can sleep on my back or stomach.

is that scar permanent?

Yes. It will of course heal with time.

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No, because they had to remove the phallus because of necrosis/blood clots. I will be getting another surgical attempt, but it won't be for awhile. I'll post when it's healed assuming successful, but that's a long way off.

did you get your same penis back?

I had the surgeon copy the size of the original.

What are your views on religion and have they changed through this whole process?

I'm agnostic and my views have not changed.

What kind of insurance do you have!? Honestly I've always thought about these things. The out of pocket had to be tremendous.

As a side to this, what does your income look like? It would be a lot different if you're pulling in 100K as opposed to 30

I have a fairly typical health plan, but I'm pulling in almost 100k and again have paid for most stuff out of pocket.

How do they actually create a penis or a vagina, not what parts of the body they use but how does the process go?

You need to google this, there are a number of different procedures and sub procedures. Not all of them are the same, but are often similar. It would take a wall of text to explain in that much detail, and I am not a medical doctor so I'm not the best person to go into that much dept on the subject.

Is your name Russell Secor?

I have a feeling I'm missing a joke here, but no.