IAM the wife of a man who plead guilty to possession of child pornography. Even though he is guilty, I am choosing to stay married to him. AMA.

Alright, I have something to add. (FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A MINOR)

Everyone seems to be reading between the lines and assuming he is some freak child loving pedophile. This is shocking to me. As a minor myself, just reading through the comments I can see that the guy was on some sort of depressive porn addictive bender. Much like how sometimes when fapping you start with a normal video and then before you know it you have some weird ass bdsm video about cuckold pulled up and afterwards you are like, "holy fucking hell. I fapped to that?"

Look, I'm not justifying what he did. And he deserves to serve the time for what he did, but all you fucks making statements at his motives and saying he is obviously some extreme pedophile is excessively ignorant.

All the negativity and doubt and hatred coming from you all is just how pedophilia is perpetuated. There may be many people who fall into something similar to what happened to OP's husband and yet we ostracize them and jump to conclusions, and they feel like they are diseased/no way out; so, they regress into there addiction and things get worse.

Once again, I'm NOT at all condoning his crimes and justifying.

I AM saying that y'all should probably read what she is actually saying, and perhaps try to empathize with the situation.

People stay with murderers all the time, and no one says shit. But when some depressed guy turns to porn and gets in over his head and his wife stays with him, people flip the fuck out? Wow. Am I missing something? I cannot imagine the pain of those kids who are abused in CP, but I can also cannot imagine the pain of being murdered. Yet, you all seem much MUCH more condemning of this man, who seems to have just fallen in over his head and from what OP has stated; he is an otherwise ordinary, good person.

/rant

TL;DR: Empathy. Feel it. Please. Sincerely, a minor.

Wow thanks for this. I have a hard time conveying these thoughts. He did get way over his head for about 3 months. He certainly did the crime and knew what he was doing but to make the assumption that he is an uncontrollable pedophile is a huge leap. I don't want to spend too much time here try to convince others that he is not a pedophile, that I've found is useless.

They say hindsight is 20/20. Is there anything you think about now that maybe sets off a red flag that this was going on?

OH YES!

He got depressed. Like stopped bathing, didnt want to get out of bed depressed. His internet usage increased and he was more private about it. He stopped wanting to do things he enjoyed. And right before he got caught it was getting so bad that he'd rather masturbate than have sex. This is a good time to point out that he looked at all kinds of porn not just CP. Not by a long shot.

Im gonna ask the obvious question, why the hell are you staying with him?

Ok I will only justify staying with him once, so I'll try to make it good. We have been together for 14 years, married for 6. He is my life partner and I want to stick with him no matter what. With that said it was a hard decision to stay with him it took extensive therapy and many many heart to heart talks to reach this conclusion. Bottom line I love him, there are so many aspects to his personality that make him who he is he is more than his crime.

I really hope you don't feel like it's you justifying staying together with him. I mean, I am from superliberal Norway, but the first thing I thought after reading the title was "Of course she's staying with him - the guy had problems and as all people a negative side, but that shouldn't ruin a so beautiful thing as a loving marriage - I'm sure the guy is amazing except for his skeleton in the closet.

Thank you for this. I have a hard time getting this point across well. He is so much more than this terrible terrible choice he made. He made it, it's awful but he is making every effort to change his behavior and for me in addition to knowing the person he is, that's reason to stay.

shit. Do you have kids?

No we do not have kids, we never planned on having children.

Do you think that was part of the reason why? Maybe he knew he had this problem and did not want to risk having a child around?

This question was raised by myself and a few others in my family. I suppose it's possible. We decided before we got married we did not want children. Neither of us has changed our mind over the years and I was the one who brought it up first, anyway I can't answer that for sure.

If we did have children together my first priority would be to keep them safe. I don't know for sure what that situation would look like.

That's good. Don't you feel dirty though? Knowing that's what he's into? (I'm not trying to be disrespectful)

It's not like that's the only thing he is "into". More than anything it was a porn addiction for him. He watched a shit ton of porn and over time he looked for more and more taboo content.

Did you see any of the CP? What was your first reaction when you saw it?

Thanks to the asshole FBI agent(no shit his name was Agent Smith). I did get to see CP. I was showed 3 stills of a teenage girl "posing" for the camera. I wanted to throw up, I cried when I saw them. I've also read FBI descriptions of the videos. Its a sick to your stomach feeling for sure.

What was their reasoning behind showing you the stills?

Shock value I think, possibly to feel out whether or not I knew the content was there.

The FBI agent did not show you the images to shock you or get a reaction from you. He showed you a couple of images so you could understand what was going on and to ensure you were not also involved. Most people have never really seen CP and can not grasp what is entails. The majority of people think CP is just an 18 year old dressed up to look 14. It is not. He probably did not show you the worst/graphic images (sorry). Remember the children are the victims here and the FBI agent is doing his job by protecting him. Easy to misdirect your anger.

Yeah, I think he was really just trying to see if I was involved too. The raid was a real invasion, just like what I expected from what I've seen on TV. Being there in shock, seeing my husband shaking and crying, yeah it is easy to misdirect anger. Don't worry my husband got plenty of anger from me as well.

were these kids or teenagers?

Age range was 4-17, mostly girls 12 and up though.

It's truly incredible that you stayed, knowing your husband viewed a four-year-old being sexually abused. Because that's the moment I would be out the door.

I understand. Instead of going with a knee jerk reaction I chose to hear my husband out. I had hours of talks with my husband about this subject and hours a therapy to help work things out.

I just can't write off 14 years because of one video(of a girl that young).

With all the respect in the world -- in what scenario WOULD you write him off? Any?

It's hard to say because I would have to be in that position to know for sure.

I know for most people this is a deal breaker. And a few years ago I would have felt it would have been a deal breaker for me too. But then I was thrown into the situation and it turns out I wanted to stay. It's one of those situations where you just don't know what you'd do until you are living it.

Is he the only person you've been with? You said you're 30 and been together for 14 years, so I assume you were 16 when you started dating. Could it be a fear of being single / alone?

I'm alone right now, so I don't think that's it. More than anything I think it's because we grew up together. I know him and he and I have a strong bond. I really don't know what else I can say about my choice to stay.

Is he a pretty cool/normal guy? I know this may be a loaded question but I imagine all child "porners" (made it up) would be generally creepy people.

Yep he is very normal. He had a good computer networking job, a group of close friends. He was a pretty big nerd but who isnt? He's good looking friendly, well liked in the community.

He is super into cars and had a big presence in an online care club as well as that local community. He was just an average guy. He is 30 BTW.

Wow, that's a bit younger than I was expecting. Might I ask how old you are? It just seems like quite a shock, especially if you're on the younger side.

I am 31. He is 30. So when the FBI raided we were 28 and 27.

Did the FBI just show up one day and start raiding his computer? If so, were you completely in the dark about everything while this was going on? Was your husband aware at all beforehand or was it a complete shock to him?

Yep the FBI just showed up one quiet Tuesday morning. I was completely blindsided. I was on my way to work and an agent called me because my name was first on the lease. I turned right around and headed home, by the time I got there they were tearing apart the house, packing up our things and questioning my husband in the back of an SUV. I just asked for the warrant and sat on the front steps with my dog until it was over. To say I was in shock was an understatement.

He was shocked the FBI was raiding the house, but he knew they were there for him.

If you could yell at anyone's butt from history, who's would it be and why?

James Dean, if I'm going to yell at someones butt it might as well be a cat call and mmmm James Dean.

Can you walk us through your decision to stay with your husband? I assume you have reasons.

Well when the FBI first raided I was in shock. My husband was scared and nervous and I just wanted to help him. But that quickly turned into disgust and hurt then anger for turning our lives upside down. We started therapy both together and separately within a week of the raid. I quickly decided I would hear my husband out and work through therapy before I decided what to do. It took 2 years for him to be indicted, in that time with therapy and long talks I decided I wanted to stick with him.

Will you make an effort to keep him away from kids in the future?

Well I don't know that it will be really making and effort but to be on the safe side the plan is to never have him alone with a child. That will be a condition of his release as well as a general safety plan to put everyone's mind at ease. I am honestly more concerned about keeping him away from porn than keeping him away from kids.

And will you inform everyone you know with kids about him when he will be around? I feel like parents would want to know something like that, and I feel like you and him have sort of a moral obligation to let them know. I realize the toll that would take on your social lives and beyond, but that's the hole he dug for himself

So far everyone in our lives knows about his offense. Most of our close friends are child free or we rarely spend time with them and their children.

If he attends a wedding or something with children, it's not like he'll have a sign hanging around his neck but I would imagine the people who invite us will know.

Yeah. I guess I meant in a less public setting, where he might be more likely to actually interact with a child.

Yes our friends and family with children will be fully aware of his offense. He will take steps to make sure he is never alone with a child not even for a few minutes.

How do you feel telling friends and family about what your husband did or do you choose not to tell them all together? Thanks for doing the AMA :)

All or our family knows. He and I grew up together so our families are close. We told our families about the raid right away. Everyone has been very supportive. More supportive than I ever thought they would be, like I said everyone knows the person it is, its not hard to support him if you know him.

My friends have been amazing. I don't really hesitate to tell people close to me. I'm slowly learning to develop a thick skin when it comes to this situation.

Do you think there is anything that will make you break up with him?

If he does it again. I'm done. There is not way in hell I will do this again.

And that's more so because, you wouldn't want to go through the whole ordeal again, and if he did get caught again, he wouldn't have learned from the experience? Not because having child pornography took a toll on your relationship, in and of itself?

More than anything I would not want to go through the ordeal again. The raid was traumatic.The issue in the front of my mind is that I don't want to see him caught up in any addiction again. The court process, the pre trial probation, the him being in prison process is a nightmare. There is no way in hell I will do it again and he knows it.

Him having child pornography has taken a toll on our relationship especially when he was actively seeking it out. We have worked hard on our relationship since then. I no longer focus on the fact that he viewed child pornography, now I focus on how he can keep from going back into addiction.

edit: I can't spell.

1. What do you do for a living?

2. Sincerely not trolling here, but do you believe the children in the videos are victims? If so, do you realize that they are going to be living a nightmare for the rest of their days? Do you believe that your husband contributed to the robbery and raping of the childhood of those kids? Additionally, if you do have a sense of empathy for those innocent kids whose lives have been forever turned inside out, how do you plan on making amends with those feelings?

3. Would you consider having children of your own with your husband eventually?

I work in the pet boarding industry.

Yes the children in the videos are victims. The videos are documentation of abuse I very much understand that.

I have read victims letters. I talk about it in therapy. I understand that the people in those videos have been shattered. I work through those feelings with my therapist mostly.

My husband and I never planned on having kids. I do not want to raise children.

This is a tragic story. Everyone is a victim.

Do you have a shaved or hairy pussy?

Thank you for participating in this AMA.

HA! thanks for your concern.

Pubic hair is gross, therefore I'm shaved.

Since you have chosen to stay with your husband, do you think you will continue seeking therapy for yourself/you and your husband? By the way, I admire your courage and loyalty, I don't think I would stay with my partner if I found out something so horrendous.

Yes I see a therapist on my own to help me deal with life. I will keep seeing her once he is out as well as see a therapist with him.

how will your sex life change? will it continue? if it does, wouldn't you worry that he's imagining that he's doing kids? can you do another ama when he's released so that we're updated?

Well, at this point I'm certainly hoping it continues. He's been gone a year and I would love to be having sex with him. We are both very sexual people I expect us to have as much sex as we ever did.

I had sex with him for 2 years during the investigation before he went to prison. He sexual interests are wide and varied, he has not been diagnosed as a pedophile. I am not worried he is thinking of kids instead of me.

So wait... He was out in society for 2 years after being caught? What's the fucking point of sending him to prison at that point? What purpose does it serve?

Hell if I know. Yep he was out and free to work as a retail manager that entire time BTW. We could go to parks, the zoo, anywhere we wanted. Things move slowly in the federal system,it's just how things work.

If you met someone else while he is away that you are attracted to and who wants to be with you, would the fact that he has commited this crime make you any more likely to leave him for a hypothetical other person? Or would you stay faithful despite it?

Hmmm faithful that's an interesting question. My husband and I have never been monogamous so faithful to us means something different than it does to most people.

As far as I'm concerned my husband is my partner for life. I'm not sure I can imagine someone wisking me away. But stranger things have happened.

Let me ask you, since you sort of have experience with this. Had your husband been caught from trying to solicit sex/sexual acts from 12 and 14 year old girls, would you have stayed with him? I read that he watched CP, which I find utterly disgusting, but your decisions are yours to make.

My boyfriend works with a guy and we just discovered that he's a convicted pedophile, and tried to arrange a sexual meeting with what he thought were two young girls (FBI agents). He went to jail for a few years when his wife was pregnant with their first child, and she stayed with him. Now they have two kids. Would you have stayed? We can't figure out why she's still with him. He not only tried to cheat, but did it with children. At company parties, there are now large notices advising not to bring children.

Thoughts?

It really depends on the situation. If the guy got an attempted solicitation charge that means he made arrangements to meet but never made an attempt to actually meet up. I think we can all agree people lie on the internet all the time, they say things the never intend to do in real life. So it all depends on the situation and how the transcripts read. Meeting an underage girl for sex would indeed be a deal breaker for me.

What would constitute your ideal sandwich?

An everything bagel, onion cream cheese, turkey, cheddar, lettuce, cucumber. YUM!

[deleted]

Yes I still find him sexually attractive. Its funny once we really started working on each other combined with the idea of "losing" him to prison and finding out all his secrets made us closer in every way even sexually.

He has to register for 10 years once he gets out.

There were 7 agents and the chief of police was there as well, it was very much a raid.

The ages ranged from 4-17.

It cost us 10 grand for pre indictment. Which his parents paid for. Then he got a public defender.

The first year I cried everyday, so hours and hours and hours.

I didnt watch porn or masturbate for a long while after, but I did still have sex with my husband. Now that is is in prison. I watch porn and fap a few times a week.

I try to see him every 2 months, he is 400 miles away.

I put 50 bucks on every two weeks.

A member of my family just killed himself having been arrested for CP related offenses. None of us knew anything about it, one second we were grieving for him then when the police dropped that bombshell... We're all in shock right now, angry, confused...

Not sure why I'm even posting this... Suppose I just saw it as somewhere I could vent a little. We're all worried right now about the thoughts of it making the news, if it gets out, any anger will be directed towards the family, people don't take too kindly to that kind of thing around here (well, rightly so) but nobody in the family knew anything about it at all yet I feel so ashamed, I can't walk around without thinking people are staring at me thinking "hey that's the guy with the pedo in his family"...

He said in a note that he never actually touched anybody but whether that's true remains to be seen pending investigation, said he saw no way out, he was facing jail and obviously it would have made the media, would have literally ruined the whole family, in a twisted way, he's better off dead but I feel sick saying that, all I remember is who I thought he was, it feels like a morbid nightmare... It's hard to separate the fact that he was family from the fact that he was also a pedophile.

I am so sorry that happened to your brother and your family. The pain of an investigation is tragic enough. I can't imagine a suicide on top of that. Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.

How has your personal relationships with other people changed since he has went to prison?

I did stop talking to my best friend, but not because of my husband. I got really depressed through this process and she couldn't handle it. I'm really sad about it but it was her choice.

Everyone else in my life have been great. I don't think anyone treats me differently.

At what point in your marriage will you feel like enough is enough? I mean I understand the idea of marriage and loving someone no matter what but I also believe there are certain things (child porn for instance) that provide a absolute out of a marriage. My Mom's best friend has worked with registered sex offenders for the past 30 years and she says there is NO WAY what so ever to help these people. When he gets out don't you feel like the trust is gone and your marriage will never be the same? Won't you feel like it's all a lie and he'd rather be looking at CP than be with you?

no, I don't feel this way. This is a misconception that his whole life was always about child porn. It was not. There is no reason for me to believe he spends every way hour yearning for child porn.

Doesn't the fact that he is attracted to children bother you?

This is a tough one. Although there is some debate as to whether or not he is attracted to children or just the taboo factor of child porn that turns him on, yes of course the idea of him being attracted to children bothers me.

However IF he is attracted to children in whatever way, that is one aspect of his sexuality and personality as a whole. The whole point of therapy and avoiding porn is to help control any urges he has and express his sexuality in a healthy way. So that's what I focus on.

Is he getting help in prison to deal with his porn addiction and what kind of plan is in place for dealing with his addiction when he gets out?

How are you going to deal with the social stigma after he gets out because being honest I wouldn't want your husband living near my family.

Since there is a high chance of re-offending as a sex offender, are you worried that he will go back to looking at child porn or do something even worse?

CP recidivism rates aren't very high. It's around 30%(digging thru my research to find proof).

I know I'm not fully prepared to deal with living with a registered sex offender, but one plan we have is moving out toward the country so we don't have too many nearby neighbors.

He was in therapy for 2 years before he had to surrender to prison. He will continue with that therapist as well has court appointed therapy when he gets out. He will be required to log on to the internet through a monitored system and be checked with lie detector tests. I am not worried about him hurting a child. Period.

Lie detector tests as in Those ineffective shits that monitor the level of sweat and heart rate?

I'm not the one making him take them. It's the US probation office that thinks they are a good idea.

being honest I wouldn't want your husband living near my family.

The guy with the pics is a non-starter because you know he looks, when there are so many around you who do a lot more than look.

Damn sad, but please...face the reality...

http://www.thelisaproject.org/Main.html

I just got around to clicking that link. I have seen similar projects. I read victims letters, victim accounts I am not blind to the reality of what child abuse is.

edit: The spelling, it's always the spelling.

How did he justify his actions to you when you heard him out?

He did not ever try to justify his actions. He knew he was wrong, he knew everyone he told would be disgusted and disappointed/angry at him.

He told me flat out he didn't know how to stop looking at porn, but he would do whatever it takes to stop. In the 2 years he was out before prison he made a real effort to change his behavior. He stopped viewing all porn, set limits on internet time, spent more time on hobbies outside of the house. The key for him will be finding other coping tolls for stress. He used porn and masturbation to cope when he was stressed.

What exactly was the content that sent him to prison?

Have you experienced rejection or shunning from your family or community? Do people act suspicious of you for staying in the marriage?

People ask all the time if I knew and was covering up for him. I did not and if I had known I would have turned his ass in. Of course that was before I knew how devastating this process really would be.

He he had 35 videos of pretty graphic content. He had about a terabyte of(legal) porn total.

So if you could go back in time to just before he was caught, knowing what you know, you would try to keep him from getting caught?

And this was graphic pornography with young children, nothing borderline about it? Boys or girls or both?

About how much was he spending on porn?

He was spending 4 to 6 hours a night searching for/downloading/watching porn(again all types).

If I knew what I know now and found out before hand I would have destroyed every hard drive we had and then found the best sex offender therapist in the area to see with my husband. That's what we did anyway, but yeah not gonna lie if I could go back I would smash those hard drives.

Yes it was graphic porn.

During therapy did you find out if he always had that interest or did it develop later in life? How many of the people into watching CP ever end up acting it out in real life?

I really don't know how many people go on to molest children. Ive talked to many CP offenders in the last 3 or so years and nearly all of them say it was a porn addiction that drew them in and they have no "real" sexual interest in children. Most of them including my husband describe it as not really turned on or drawn to it per se, its just they weren't turned off by it and the taboo content made them want more.

This is a facet of his sexual make up, he can no more help it than can a gay guy explain why he's gay. Put into perspective, he did wrong, but to castigate a mans life for eternity for the mistake, is wrong also.

If he could flick a switch in his head, and make the need, the urge go away, he would have.

But (and yes I have experience of this) can he do? Go to the doctors? Speak to his best friend? It is wrong, and I do not condone his actions, but until society sees it as something that the guy cannot help, nor understand, nor openly ask for assistance with - what's he to do? He can't come out, he can't speak to people for fear of the reaction.

This builds up, and builds up. Don't get me wrong, I used to view it, and got busted, and I'll never do it again, but trust me, if I could have openly asked for help when I realised the path I was heading down, I'd have taken it.

Thanks, I want to mention that is anyone has an issue with child pornography you can seek help. You can go to a sex offender therapist and they will not turn you in unless you are(or are about to) hurt a child. Make sure you go to a therapist that deals with sex offender they know the mandatory reporting laws and they will stick to them, but they also specialize in helping people NOT commit crimes.

Does the community look down upon you because you're not leaving him?

Can't. Stop. Answering. Questions.

I'm sure there are people that look down on me for not leaving my husband, but so far nearly everyone in my life has offered us nothing but support. My husband and I were fairly social, people know us and know our day to day lives. I have yet to run across anyone that wants to shun me or my husband.

I do have an aunt that has cut off contact with me, she said she didn't want to deal with "a piece of trash" in the family. That hurt but it is her choice.

In general my real life has been like this thread. Anyone that takes the time to fully understand the situation is supportive, people that don't care to know the details are not. Not everyone is going to agree with my choice and that is OK with me.

[deleted]

What do you mean just pictures? He mostly had video. If you are wondering if he touched anyone, no he did not. He signed up for gigatribe in Oct of '09 and The FBI raided in April '10.

How is he coping with prison?

He's doing well. Much better than I thought he would do. He misses his friends and family but he works 6 hours a day and he reads a lot. He also made "friends" so he has people to talk to. He says he's very bored and he hates having to depend on someone else for every little thing. It's not fun for him but he is managing. Sometimes I think he is doing better than me.

[deleted]

He had nearly a terabyte of mostly legal porn. A tiny fraction of that was child porn I don't know how much in terms of MB/GB.

How has he handled his depression? How is he coping with depression in prison? Is he on some sort of medication? Therapy? How will the two of you handle his depression when he gets out?

Did he have any other kind of illegal porn?

I'm not sure what else is illegal. He had some bestiality porn as well and just about everything else you can think of. He was on "pre trial probation" for 2 years before he surrendered to prison. In the time he got on zoloft and started seeing a therapist. he worked hard to recognize trigger and learn new coping tools. There was a huge change in him in those 2 years.

In prison there isnt much help. He takes his zoloft and tries to stay busy. Once he's is out he will continue with his therapist and his doctor and go from there.

This exact thing happened to my ex-husband's parents. Husband had a porn addiction which included child pornography. FBI raid, court, prison and wife stuck with him. I can't say as I really got it but I respect her choice. It takes a stronger woman than me to go through all that and still try to make it work. He went through therapy and some shit came out (he experienced physical abuse as a child, which we already knew and sexual abuse which came as a bit of a shock). Did you feel there is a root cause for your husband's addiction?

Yes there was some abuse early in his life. I also think overall depression and repressed sexuality contributed greatly.